Triggering (SI/Suicide) - All my walls, falling...and I do't know what to do..
My life is a mess. My life has always been a mess. One would think maybe by now I would have found a way to cope and get through. I am going to b3 30 years old in 14 days. There is no one in the world who will care or notice or say happy birthday. I have become isolated. By circumstance or my own doing, maybe more both of those together. My x husband lives in NY again and has nothing to do with me or my small child. I have no friends left around here in NC. I don't talk to my friends in NY anymore. Whatever the case, they don't call, don't reply to my emails. My mother hates me. Openly will say she can not tolerate me. My father is dead. My sister I have not spoken to since 01. She refuses to speak with me. I am so alone.
I started SI when I was around 13 years old. Don't recall much of it anymore, but I was bad about it, and have many scars. I stopped for years until I was 17, had one slip up and didn't do anything again till 04. It was bad enough to scare me...and I haven't done anything since. I thought of my daughter. I thought what would happen to her if I made a mistake, if I went too far.
I have been strong. I have been holding on when all seems lost. I have put on a face when needed in front of the world...but it is all crashing down now.
I am broke..have been for awhile. There is no food in the house.
All my bills are past due...bank accounts locked.
No one will hire me. My last two jobs fired me.
I have no life. I never go anywhere or see anyone.
I stay at home every day, every night...with my 6 year old daughter.
There is no one to watch her. There is no one to help.
There would be no money even if there was someone to watch her.
She has been my salvation in many ways. I always promised her that I would not leave her ever. I would always be here, always love her and do my best to not be my parents, to not do to her what they did to me.
I have fought my thoughts, I have tried to fight...
In NY...I had help. I had medicaid, therapy, shrinks, pills, meds etc.
Here in NC? I am not eligible for anything. NO shrink, no meds, no help, no nothing. For 3 years almost now I have managed to survive this hell of a life without any support. My daughter is to thank...
But now...now I keep thinking horrible thoughts..started out just once in a awhile..now it has become every day. I think how I am so worthless, such a failure, I can't feed my daughter, I can't get a job, I have no money...no way out...thats what I keep thinking....I have no way to make any of it better, no way out the dark...
I am so scared all the time, so tired, so alone, sick...My stomach, head...always hurt now.
I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE! I know I need help....but how can you get help, when no one will help you. I don't have money to see anyone, wouldn't have money for meds, nothing seems to be free for me.
Theres no way out, no fix I can find...where is the answer?
The pressure and stress are breaking me. I stare at my arm....my daughter has asked what my scars are...I used to tell her a mean kitty did it. Too young to explain it ya know?
Knowing she sees it...has kept me from it...
I don't know why...but my one arm is the only place I have ever touched, only place I will. It is visable to most people.
I don't want her seeing something fresh...
I don't want to keep living like this...
I wouldn't know what to say to anyone that knows me anymore. They all look at me like I am a rock. I have the answers.
I don't. I have nothing to say...and not the strength to conjure up that fake face that hides whats really going on.
I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore, no one to turn to...and I feel like I am lost with no way to fix anything. I have no answers, no way out... my head is screaming, my tears are falling, my hands are shaking....and I just keep thinking there is no way out....
I don't...know what..to do...or how to do it. It is all falling so far apart.
firstly your not useless or worthless, for a start you have a beautiful daughter !!
i dont know how it works in america cos of health insurance etc rather than free NHS but could your Dr not refer you a therapist or somehting???
sorry i dont really have much advice
*hug*
this pic is so i can always remember jen who was my l'il sock monkey friend who has left ryl and i miss her!!!
From the sounds of things, you have already made it a long way, and for that, you should be proud. I'm afraid I may be of little help, in that, I have no knowledge whatsoever of how things work in the US. I'm assuming you don't have health insurance from what you've written, is it that NY provides insurance for people on low income whereas NC doesn't? (I'm guessing this is the case, because, otherwise you'd have health care...)
I'm sorry that I can't be of much help, it sounds as though you care deeply about your daughter, and that is a wonderful thing. Hold in there, and, make getting some health care a priority.
I don't have any advice about the meds/benefits situation (I'm from the UK) but I can offer some words of support. It sounds like you have come through so much already and the fact that you are still here is a wonderful achievement, as is you being on here and asking for help. If you need people to talk you, you're in the right place - there are plenty of friendly ears here! Your daughter is a testament to how well you've coped, it must have been hard to stay strong for her but you've done it and that's something to be proud of.
Is there anyone you can talk to about getting help with medical fees etc? Any sort of advice centre or something? (Sorry, I'm not clued up on American policies.)
I hope you manage to find some help. Hang in there, for your daughter if nothing else. You will come through this and be stronger because of it. You've survived this long!
Take care, PM me if you need a friendly ear (I'm away for a few days this weekend but will be back next week)
I'm sure everyone knows, some days are better than others, and some of those other days can be quite bad. I guess I was there last night. Can't say I am all better today, but I am calmer.
I had lived most of my life in NY. I had medicaid which is like a catch all. If your poor or low income, mostly you can get it. It will cover scripts, shrinks, regular docs etc.
There...I had worlds of help. When I started getting social security disability, I became automatically eligible for help with my rent, food, medical, shrinks.
But than I moved to North Carolina.
It was what my x husband wanted to try to work things out. We moved here together. He ended up leaving 9 months later and I stayed. I had nothing left for me in NY. I had felt trapped there anyway. Once he left though, I was able. Even though he returned, I didn't have to anymore.
NC requirements are very low.
They took my 6 year old daughters medicaid away because they decided I had too much income. I get 10 a month for foodstamps..which is nothing really. I get 700 for disability a month, 100 a week for child support.
Would seem like maybe I should be ok, but its not enough money to get by on. My bills total over 1500.00 monthly.
We have gotten so behind, because I end up buying food instead of paying a bill. The house, cell phone, internet are about to be turned off. The electric will be in a few days. My car loan hasn't been paid in over a month and its registration is expired now. My school loans are screwed up and go unpaid...not to even mention the other outstanding debts I have people call day in and day out about.
No one wants to hire me. I am it, just me for my daughter. No one to help with watching her. So when they ask can I work weekends or till close...I say no and they say no job.
I never go out, because there is no way to now. Can't drive my car now because my registration expired two days ago, even if I could, I don't have the money for gas, or to do anything.
I don't meet people, I don't make any friends.
I don't like saying I quit SI...to me it is like setting myself up to do it again. Honestly though I don't think about it too much anymore. For that I am happy. It is the other thoughts now that plague me. They come day in and day out now. Night time seems worse lately.
I get to thinking how my daughter tells me she is hungry all the time. Knowing stuff will be turned off soon, they will come take the car, how I can't pay for her ballet class, or buy the new bike she would like as the one she has now is too too small for her. I turn down invites for birthday partied because I can't afford to buy the kid a present.
I have ended up sitting in this house that I hate day after day. We moved here in January because the rent was cheaper. We live in a triplex now and I have neighbors on both sides. Turns out one is a drug addict and the other, well not someone I care to be around. So I stay inside to avoid issues, avoid running into them etc.
For awhile now I have been making little things in the hopes of selling them.
Friends I had would always say how cute they were and I should try selling them. Since things have gotten so bad lately I have been spending every day, like all day long making stuff. Started listed it on Etsy a while ago. Had a friend buy a few things around x-mas last year. Recently I had a non friend sale. It was only 12 bucks...but it was a great feeling. Started making more stuff thinking this was it, maybe I found a way to get some money coming in. But nothing else has sold. Than I start thinking what I make is crap, why bother, no one is going to buy anything else and I am just creating another bill with Etsy that I won't be able to pay. I guess in the beginning I thought it was great. Kind of making my own way. Thought the name was cool too. M-Michelle A-Angelina = MABear
I looked up about going to the flea market, but they charge 18 dollars for being there. It is 18 I don't have.
Just feel like there are no more options.
Still making stuff, but getting more discouraged. Talked to my x last night and asked for help. He just hung up on me. Shouldn't be surprised, as he doesn't even care enough to call our daughter for over a month now. I find it strange he can really find a way to blame me for that, but somehow he always does. Always my fault why and how he has become such a horrible father.
It just seems like no matter what choice I make, which way I turn, what I try, I can never make my life better.
People have always turned to me for advice and help and I think that is why I have turned away some from the few friends I had left. I feel I have nothing to offer someone anymore. NO great words of wisdom.
I always said, you don't like your life, change it. Want to leave where you are, than move. Simple to me. It always did seem simple to me. Not anymore. I have no more answers.
My head feels blank all the time now. I wake up dreaming about my bills.
I feel sick all the time. Sad all the time.
Last night was bad. Felt like a breaking point. I feel like that is where I am headed and ending up in a hospital terrifies me. My family left me to rot in those places as kid, and now as an adult I fear them. Fear someone taking my daughter.
Every day has become a struggle to just get up out of bed. Some days I don't manage it and my daughter misses school. Some days my stomach is so upset I can't leave the bathroom for more than 10 minutes.
I am aware my depression has worsened. I know I need to get on meds, but I have no way of doing that down here short of winning the lottery.
I just have begun to feel the years sneaking up now. So much of life feels wasted and gone. I don't want to keep living this way, but don't see a door out of it.
I have been fighting for so long, so hard ...that I just feel worn out. Like I have nothing left to fight with, nothing left to use.
Thanks for listening, thanks for looking and being there.
I was really glad to have found this site last night.
this pic is so i can always remember jen who was my l'il sock monkey friend who has left ryl and i miss her!!! 
