Ok, so I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half. We've been best friends for four years. The whole time, everyone knew that we would eventually go out, and we did. He is very much in love with me. I haven't loved him for awhile now, although I still pretend I do, as weird as that sounds. I've been afraid of breaking his heart. I figured I'd wait it out and see if I fell back in love with him. I'm finally ready to break it off, although I feel extreme amounts of guilt. I would like a little bit of advice as to how to soften the blow a little bit. I know I'm going to make him cry, and I'll have to try my hardest not to break down and stay strong. The thing is, I do want to stay friends, but don't know if that's possible. It might be too painful for him.
I've tried giving him little hints, but he is a chronic optimist. He's mentioned that I've gotten a lot less affectionate (that was a few months ago) and I haven't changed. Recently, he's told me that I've become emotionally distant and I told him I'm trying to take care of myself more instead of relying on other people to fix me and that I'm doing better. He doesn't know that I was really down far and had a relapse. He thinks everything's okay. A friend has mentioned that we don't even act like a couple anymore and that things seem forced on my part. I think the only person who doesn't see that something's wrong is him. He still takes care of me and loves me.
I've changed a lot during this first year of college. I've matured. He hasn't. A friend of ours said he still acts like a high school freshman, which I'd agree with. I've realized that there's more guys in the world than just him and that they may be more of my type. He doesn't seem right for me anymore. I'm meeting all different types of people. I went back to see one of my old high school teacher who knew us really well and the first thing he asked about was our relationship, because he saw it coming because I'd change so much.
We had so much hope for the future. Since we were best friends for so long and thought we were obviously meant for each other, we had a future planned. We were both oblivious to the fact that most college freshman don't have their life planned out, despite their good intentions. We've talked about where we want to live, what our lives will be like, how good marriage will be. He still has the impression that this future is actually going to happen, while I'm realizing that plans don't always come true and that the future doesn't usually go how we planned it.
Another thing is that we're very close to each other's families (well, not really fathers). My mother has pretty much accepted him as a son. He's even on our phone plan. I don't know how I'm going to tell my mom, or anyone else for that matter, excluding the people who know it's coming.
I was thinking about just staying in the relationship for the rest of my life and tolerating it. I'm only just now realizing that there may be a little hope for my future, without him, that is. Then I had a lot of people tell me this was a bad idea and finally accepted it for myself that I can't always put other people first.
I had a long talk with my good friend Zach the other night because I was crying about all of this. He did what he needed to do to get it into my head that I have to take care of myself and that I need to change my outlook to have any hope in life. I needed someone to be blunt about some hard truths and he's definately the one to do it. He's really good at knowing how someone's feeling and exactly how to respond to them. I think my boyfriend is getting jealous of Zach because we've gotten so close lately and I talk about him more than my boyfriend. Even my mom's noticed that. Oh, and Zach convinced me to stop cutting for myself this time. If anyone can get me to listen to them it's him, because I trust him completely. I'm having withdrawals, which doesn't make things any easier. But I know he's right.
Anyways, sorry about the long post. I'm just confused and my roommates sick of hearing me say the same things over and over again. I'd really like some advice, consolation, experience, anything.
And why are all of the nice guys taken? I've noticed that. I'm not ready to date again, obviously. I need to get over this relationship which isn't going to be easy. I've just been looking around and it just seems like there will be no one left.
Life is confusing and this isn't what I need to be thinking about when I have a paper due tomorrow and exams starting Tuesday. I can't stop thinking.
Wow, that was the longest post ever. Sorry about that.
The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours- it is an amazing journey- and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.
~Bob Moawad
Aw hun. This sounds really hard for you. But the last thing you want to do is stay in the relationship if you don't love him anymore. It wouldn't be fair on either of you. Let him down gently. You should tell him everything you've written in your post. About how you've matured etc. People change, and life goes on. It'll be very hard on both of you, but it's something you gotta do. I'm not sure about the staying friends thing. Perhaps not straight away, but once you've both had time to move on, you might be able to go back to being friends. As for the fact your families are close, they'll understand. These things happen, and i'm sure they'll be okay with it.
Just rely on your instinct. Do what you think you should do, and what will be best for you. Don't think too much about keeping other people happy. Put yourself first. .
X
But if i still believe you love me, maybe i'll survive.
So i tell myself you're coming home, like you've done a million times.
if you are truly unhappy in the relationship and you no longer want to be with him then you must end it. regardless of how difficult it will be. It's not fair to trick someone in to believing they are loved. Nor is it fair to you having to pretend and never experiencing the real thing again. It will be a very difficult process, but I'm afraid there's no nice way of finishing with someone. You'll have to sit him down and tell him the truth. Explain how you feel, and answer any questions he asks honestly.
Talk to your mum and explain how unhappy you were, it will be difficult for them too, but they should support you.
When you've spoken to him, try to give him some space, becareful you don't send out mixed messages by trying to be too friendly or comfort him too much, if he loves you he might misread them.
Oh and your comment about nice guys - there are some, but they're like little diamonds, difficult to find but beautiful and precious x
Play the game out
Amor Vincit Omnia
Dad 10/11/2008 Always our sunshine, I'm still playing for the town hall clock
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