Yeah...
I've come to accept the fact that the people who used to shape and mold my life after college are no longer real people. They've turned themselves into memories. It's hard because...before I got together with my current boyfriend I used to go down there every weekend. So they blame my not being around on him, even if they won't admit it. It's not that though...to see them is now a two hour drive, rather pricey now a days. And I'm living in my own house now as well...which for some reason seems to consume my life along with my technical support job where the bullshit never ends. I consider it perfectly natural though...I've grown up.
I don't live with my parents anymore, I have bills and commitments. Not to mention with the pancreantitis, diabetes, and now untreated schizophrenia (Even if my mother denies my diagnosis) it takes a lot out of me just to wake up in the morning.Not to mention, I was always the one doing the driving, spending the money, finding a place to stay- why can't anyone come see me once in a while?
Now this might not seem like a proper place to post this but I've been getting urges to cut lately. It's serious too, I'm not talking one or two cuts ...I feel like literally ripping myself apart. It seems like that's the only way to prove to them that I'm really hurting and depressed right now. And what gets me most is I was ALWAYS there for these people...they never even call me anymore. It's to typical when I need them they just...aren't around after everything I did for them. And it's not just them it's almost everyone. What makes it so hard for someone to just ask me if I'm okay, and let me lay out on the table why I'm not.
It's been about 6 months now that I haven't cut myself. But the urge is definitely there...
I'm probably not giving in because I don't think even that would be enough to show them.
Sometimes I wish I would have just died in the hospital. I know it's the easy way out and it's a perminate fix to a temporary solution. But it seems to be the only option I have in life that I can control.
