Triggering (SI) - wanting it/one month..(possibly triggering..?)

[I must be dreaming]

It's been a month as of today...and I'm having a hard time. I keep looking at the scars on my arms..and I find them oddly fascinating. I mean..they're part of me..but..they're going to fade..I didn't go deep enough...and I'm sad about it. o_O How weird am I?

I keep like..having ideas of where to cut..and like..thinking of how deep I need to go for it to be a more permanent scar. =/ I don't understand..because the scars have been the cause of some very uncomfortable situations..so it's like..a love/hate thing or something.

Part of me wants to stop..and the other part is raging and fighting telling me that there's no point in me stopping..it doesn't really hurt anyone...but then I know that's not true..but then..I think it is. And back and forth..on and on. I hate it.

Why stop? So that others can stop feeling uncomfortable with what I do? So that they don't have to worry about what might happen..if I go too far? Does it really matter..we all die at some point. *shrugs* I mean..I'm not saying I'm trying to kill myself...but..I donno..I mean I know that there is a risk that I'll hit something if I get too deep/go too far or whatever.

But everything in me is screaming...and the crawling feeling is back. I don't want to lose my scars..and I don't understand why it's so important to me that they stay..I've had people ask me..and I can never explain why..just that..they're part of me. -_-

I donno..I'll stop rambling..hmm..yay for going one month >_<

[Stellata]

What else is important to you about yourself? Can you identify some things that you like about yourself?

One way to explore what the scars mean to you would be to maybe do some art, just let the image come, or writing, free association/stream of consciousness style?

[Stress Free Anxiety]

I can relate to the one-month-torn-in-two thing, facing it right now. >.< Scars themselves being a trigger has always been one of my problems, so I usually use a red felt tip pen (or a sharpie if I know I can cover it) and draw where I'd cut. For some reason it kinda helps till I can figure everything out. Good luck! *hugs*

[I must be dreaming]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~longing~tears~

What else is important to you about yourself? Can you identify some things that you like about yourself?

One way to explore what the scars mean to you would be to maybe do some art, just let the image come, or writing, free association/stream of consciousness style?

*shrugs* I donno. I don't currently like much about myself..I've been really frustrated/on edge about a lot of things. -_- And I feel horrible that I'm letting things get to me so much.

I try doing art/write..and sometimes it helps..but then other times I have a really hard time focusing on anything..(plus..my art sucks >_<)

[Poi-sin]

Thats the same way I feel about my scars. I take really good care of them with oil and moisturiser and vitamin cream and supplements. And beecause of that they are fading kinda well. But I don't want them too... Fading just makes me, its not a word but, . And I don't know why. Maybe because if they fade, its like none of this ever happened. Like it wasn't real or it didn't mean that much. Like what I went through and am going through was nothing.

Seeing them fade makes me plan. I look at places on my arms and trace where I think I should cut, and how deep I have to go to make a scar comparable to one of the none faded ones I have.

Its like, aslong as I have a still healing injury, or prominant scar, the urge to SI again is lessened. But once its fading its out of mind, like it never happened, and then I need to renew it.

Sorry, bet that probably didn't help What I was trying to say before I started rambling was that I understand what you mean. Maybe somewhere in my ramble theres something that may help you understand why you feel that way about them.