Please someone make me stop thinking. *trig???*

[Blue_American]

Okay, so I'm 20 years old. Never had a boyfriend. Never been kissed. Never had any expirience whatsoever.
My friend(who is kind of loose) set me up with this guy. She said we'd really like eachother and he'd been in a class with me and liked me. I was nervous because I figured he would assume that I was loose like her.
We went to the movies and all that happened was he held my hand. It was fine.
The next day I had to study for a math final. Me and this girl met up with him in the library to study. Right before we met up, my computer ****ing broke.....he's a genius with computers. He said he would fix it. He seems to be infatuated with me. I don't know why.
So it turns out he didn't have the right disk at the library with him. We'd have to go to his house. I already knew where he lived and my friend kept telling me he was a "nice guy". People knew where I was. We went to dinner. I know it's not appropriate 2nd date material, but he kept digging and digging so I finally told him that I didn't want him to think I was leading him on. I was not going to have sex with him. I'm not having sex before marriage. He said it was okay. I thought it would scare him away. I didn't know if I minded that.
He was asking if I'd had a boyfriend before and I told the truth. He was asking other stuff too.
We got to his house(his mom was even home, albeit, far away in the other side of the house) and he started fixing my computer. Then we watched a movie. And he started in on me. He kept "checking up" with me. Asking me if I was uncomfortable....I said I was fine numerous times. But I was almost crying. He knew it was my first kiss.
He kept saying it was cute. I think he got off on that.
I was too uncomfortable and confused and bombarded to say anything. I did comment that I dont know what he was enjoying because I was literally slumped over on his couch like a dead peice of meat.With him over me. I just wanted to get out of there. But my computer wasn't done. I told him that I was a whore for doing this on the 2nd date. And I was almost crying. I said it many times. And then his tongue was all up in my mouth...and between my breasts. A lot. And in my ears. And on my neck. This went on for about 3 hours. Off and on.
I stayed there because I didn't want to be mean and say stop or something. Or else I didn't want it to be akward. I told him that it felt really wrong.
Finally my computer got fixed and he drove me home.
The minute I got back I started sobbing. I went to the caf and tried to study for math and cried until 3. He called right after he had dropped me off because I think he felt guilty.
I got 3 hours of sleep that night and then had my math exam. I couldn't study because everytime I would try to focus I'd have flashbacks and start shaking and crying.
I got to the math final and didn't know anything. I sat there staring at my paper and started crying. Then I left.
I talked to him online last night and told him it went too fast. He said he thought so too. The girl that set us up even told him that he's going to scare a good girl away if he keeps moving too fast. And that was before I'd talked to her about it.
He really wants to date me. He really likes me. I don't know why. I hate myself. He thinks I'm beautiful. He keeps telling me so. And how smart and unique I am.
I blame myself. I set my morals clearly, and then I let him freaking make out with me for 3 hours and go way too far. I didn't want my first expirience to be like that. I dont' know his favorite color. I don't know what his job is. I don't know anything about him. And he knows nothing about me. For some reason, I can't conjure up his face in my head. It's a blur. Even though I've seen him in class for a whole semester and went out with him twice.
I blame myself. I am a whore. And a hypocrite. And i ****ing cut the **** out of my legs...all the more reason for him not to go near there.
I feel like my innocence was taken. I feel violate. I feel like a whore. And I fell I was taken atvantage of. But I don't blame him.
I'm okay with everything one minute. I think, well, he just got carried away. But then the next minute I am SOBBING and hyperventilating.
I haven't eaten anything in two days. I can't stop shaking.
But I dont blame him at all.

And then today the guy that I really liked for a year called me out of the blue and said that he had been listening to my favorite band and was thinking about me.
A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT. Sorry, I already pretty much gave it up.

Why am I like this? What is going on? I have nothing to compare this too. I don't know what's normal.

[JDenning]

Well I'm much the same way, 19 years old, only one relationship to speak of, one of the few males in the U.S. who actually follows the whole Idea of abstinence and chastity, as much as I would love to just go for it I can't, my freinds aren't quite as strong in will as I am though, which kinda makes me lose faith in my choice of friends cause it feels like I'm the only person with a moral conscience(sp). So long as you didn't actually have sex its alright, simply put, just find some guy you know and have him beat the **** out of him if you feel that bad. But it really isn't your fault, you might have gotten caught up in the moment, it happens to the best and worst of us from time to time. The key to life is to make sure you don't repeat the same mistakes twice, thats what being human is all about, your not an angel, or a demon, you're just human, humans make mistakes, just try not to make the same mistake again.

[Blue_American]

Wait- Your a guy and believe in abstinence!?!?! You're my new hero. You deserve someone amazing.
Thanks so much for the reply though. I feel better now...but I'm just not sure when my psyche will go downhill again. I'm hoping to just be able to sleep tonight. :/

[JDenning]

Wow thanks,I've never been called a hero before :) Thanks for that.

Like I said if you ever need to talk just pm me.

[N.Bluth]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Just remember you should never feel mean about asking some one to stop or slow down, nor should you put yourself under any pressure to gain more experience than you want. I doesn't matter how old you are when you meet your first partner, or have your first kiss, or lose your virginity.

I'm sorry you're finding this experience difficult to cope with, but you really shouldn't be too angry with yourself.