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Trying to stay strong for everyone
I am desperatly trying to hold on to something that isn't there.
I am shivering and I am extremely stressed. I am scared. No, I am terrified. What am I supposed to do? I can't even look ahead because it hurts too much. I've let go of the support from my teacher, I am not going to write to her or speak to her unless it is very urgent. I don't want to waste her time and I know she has better things to do than talk with me.
I'm just so afraid. I am afraid of the summer ahead and I dread the tests because my mind is wandering and I am stuck in thoughts so deep I cannot concentrate on anything else but those thoughts.
Years. There are years ahead. And I am practically getting panic attacks just thinking about it. And death...even though some time ago I didn't fear death at all...that was at a time I could cross a street and I wouldn't even look to see if a car was coming either way and I just hoped I would get hit and it would be the death of me.
But now...I am scared. But not of my own death. Although it does scare my a little, but of my loved ones. I can't watch the people I love die right before my eyes. I just cannot.
It's hard enough to try and keep my heart together these days after all the hurt and pain I've been through. It is hard enough. And going through more tragedies would simply break my heart ,literally and I would never be the same.
Of course I am sticking to my promise and staying strong. But inside I'm breaking. I can feel myself fall apart.
Down, down, down.
"Never make anyone your everything cause when they're gone, you'll have nothing"
I have nothing...
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