Triggering (SI) - so, so tired..

[kamikazebaby]

I don't know if I will post this. Maybe just typing it out will be therapy enough. I just feel so down. I'll explain a bunch of backstory. This could get long.

So... Where to begin. I may be only 22 but I feel like my life has many chapters already. My childhood, which for me lasted until I was about 13, was happy. I was carefree and content. The next phase is probably 13-16. I was still okay and mostly happy but there *must* have been some underlying self-esteem issues. I don't remember that much. I was a good person back then. Innocent and kind and good. When I was 14 my grandfather committed suicide and that was a difficult time for my family. They were very emotionally shut off and I was not encouraged to go to my grandfather's funeral because they worried I would be too upset. We were not allowed to grieve.

When I turned 16 another chapter begins. A few things happened - I started 6th form and had my first serious boyfriend. In 6th form I began to feel very socially awkward. I just never seemed to 'fit in' with the rest. Everyone else seemed so easygoing around each other but I'd never know what to say and would just think everyone thought I was stupid. I have always been too concerned with what others think. Anyways, my first long-term boyfriend was a great guy called Alex. I was with him for 2 1/2 years and it was during this time that I began self-injuring. He had just come out of a relationship with a girl and I began constantly comparing myself to her and feeling inadequete and worthless. I remember the first night I cut myself was because I found photographs of him and her together. Not a big deal, I know, but it hurt me so much. I felt so, so worthless and just not good enough.

And so began my depression. My self-injury continued and Alex was really the only person who knew about it. It got more frequent and more severe, but I never sought help because I was absolutely terrified. I eventually saw a counsellor through the church we were attending, but she wasn't qualified and it eventually fizzled out. I was terrified of my parents finding out. I saw a doctor when I was 18, I think. I've been on three medications since then; fluoxetine, citalopram and sertraline. None have helped, really. The counselling I've had has been too infrequent to really help.
In the summer of 2005, three things happened in quick succession. Firstly we discovered my father had been having an affair. Thus my illusion of the perfect marriage and the perfect family were destroyed. Also, Alex broke up with me. I was heartbroken. I wanted to marry that guy. I depended on him - he was basically my only support (which was part of the reason he broke up with me). Also, I had just completed my first year at uni studying to become a primary teacher and was not enjoying it, so I dropped out.

2005 was not a good year. My dad continued living with us for an entire year - working all day (with the woman he was having an affair with), then coming home, eating the dinner my mum cooked him and pretending like everything was fine - and no one knew or was allowed to know. It was a painful secret. He kept promising he'd move out but it took him a year to do that. It drove me insane. That was really hard.
I think it was around this time too that my parents found out about my self-harm and depression. Mum noticed some scars and questionned me on them. I was mortified. She was upset, but comforting. However, instead of heeding my wish that my father not be told, she told him. He was absolutely furious. I've never seen my dad that angry. Ever. He shouted and screamed at me - at one point I thought he was going to break something. I just sat there and cried. My God. Even thinking about that makes me feel so, so terrible. And the best part - instead of sticking up for me, my mum sat there and took his side. Previously she'd said I could talk to her if I needed to and that she would try to help. Five minutes later she's agreeing with my dad that I'm useless and have no need to hurt myself and that they're furious with me.

I met my next (and last) partner towards the end of 2005 - a nice end to an absolutely horrible year. I think 2006 or 2007 begins the next chapter, which is slightly happier, thankfully. David and I became engaged and I got into Reading University to study Psychology, which I love. I was still very depressed at this point - though cutting much, much less (I think I stopped altogether in 2007). The circumstances of my life were better, though. In fact David and I got married in September 2007 and that was a very happy time. I even remember thinking 'I don't think I'm depressed anymore' which is amazing - I can't remember what that felt like now but I remember thinking that so it must have been real.

2008 marks the present chapter. The downward spiral. I'm very happy in my marriage but the depression seems to have come back full force. I have no friends where I currently am. I don't have the energy to make them or keep them and socialising is a bit of a chore for me. I'm busy with uni, my part-time job and I'm volunteering as well to try to improve my CV. I have exams coming up (first one out of eleven this thursday) and I'm so stressed and I'm not going to do as well as I want to. I haven't revised enough and I have no confidence for them. I've done pretty well so far (in fact I got a scholarship this year) but I just feel like I'm totally floundering now, barely keeping my head above water. I want to sleep all the time. I'm constantly tired. I'm anxious and stressed and depressed. I've been put on the highest dose of sertraline and it's still not doing anything. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow so I guess they'll finally take me off it. I'm seeing the university counsellor but it's supposed to be short term which means I can only have two or three more sessions, which sucks, because I actually get on well with the counsellor.

I'm just so tired and weary. Last week I cut myself to a degree that I haven't done in a long time. I just need to stop for a while, to not have responsibility. I want the exams to be over and then I might be able to cope better, but I have a month before that happens. I'll probably (hopefully?) be working full-time in the summer because I've applied to carry out a research project at my uni. I'm just so tired and am not coping very well.

I applaud you if you read all that, and I appreciate it a lot. I'd love some support or kind words because I just feel so down and so tired and the self-hating voice is so strong.

I'm sorry for the long post.

[blondiebear]

I understand. My psychaitrist has been changing my meds and it took most of a year to get them adjusted. I have to take three antidepressants and a mood stabilizer and a very small dose of a blood pressure med because of the side effects of one of the AD's.

I did my undergrad and grad school at the same university. It was a small department so all of the profs knew all of the students and that helped a lot.

I'm so tired right now, see my "I am currently thingy." Yesterday it was "dizzy" because I've been light headed from exhaustion.

I understand! I wish I knew what to do to help you but that is the best I can do today.

[chocostashchick]

be proud of yourself for getting this all out and sharing and being honest because that is a brave thing and a good thing
i hope it helped to vent
i am sorry the meds have been hard, switching around, and not helpful
meds are like that, you have to test them out and try a bunch and fail until you find what works but it can be worth it to stick it out and find a good one if you are up for it
same for counselling - i really think now might be a good time to give it a try again and really go because infrequent counselling as you found out really doesnt help, you kind of have to put your time in and go regularly (as much as it sucks and is the opposite of fun and actually sometimes something you dread) but then you do get better and make progress (apparently....so i have heard....... i am in the early stages but i am trying and waiting for progess........ not very patiently in case you hadnt noticed). you could keep seeing the uni counsellor and maybe they could refer you to somebody permanent? somebody you can surely see year-round?
i also think that it could be good to talk to your husband about all of this - like let him know about your urges and how you have been feeling lately. let him know and support you. you have made it through this before, felt not depressed and seen the light or whatever it is, so you can do it again honey! this doesnt have to be it, to be permanent. it can go away and you can feel better. fight and hang in there.
xxxooo callie

[effervescence]

i know how you feel about not having the energy to make friends and being busy with uni exams and not being able to do as well as you would like to. this is exactly how my year is going.
it's easy to let things like that make us more depressed. i think the imprtant thing for you is that you are in a happy marriage, to someone who loves you and is available as a constant source of emotional support. try to tell him how you are feeling, maybe not everthing if you're not up to it bit at least give him an idea, just so he knows, and he can be there for you.
i'm sorry you can't see this counsellor more permanently. can you ask to? or to see another one? professional support can be very helpful and it's good to get help cos nobody deserves to feel this bad.
the great thing is you can remember a time when you no longer felt depressed. this is great cos it means that you know it IS possible to feel better, and if you did it before, you can do it again.
*hugs*

[kamikazebaby]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I needed that. I've just felt so down lately and have little support in terms of friends - since all of my friends live an hour+ drive away (where I used to live).

I am currently seeing the uni counsellor. We've had five sessions (sixth tomorrow) and I don't feel like I've made progress yet - I feel like I've got worse. But I feel like I *could* make progress with this counsellor. The frustrating thing is is that uni counselling is only intended to be short term - it's meant to be six sessions max and we're already planning to extend to nine. They're so busy and there's so many people waiting for appointments that even if they could let me come for longer (which I doubt), I would feel so guilty for taking up their time. Apparently they can refer me to another counselling service for a reduced rate - but it DOES cost. I'm not sure that myself and my husband can afford it. We're trying to be careful with our money and it seems like a 'waste'... Do you know what I mean?

I'd love to be okay again. It only lasted a short time (about five months out of the last five years) and I honestly don't remember how it felt now I'm depressed again. But it was real, I know that much. I will strive to get there again.

I have a doctors appointment in an hour. I expect he will take me off the sertraline and we'll have to try another medication. I know I've not even been on that many meds but it's so frustrating because it takes so long and I don't notice any change - I rarely even get side-effects. I'm sure many of you can relate to that and have had much worse experiences than me.

My husband does know about pretty much everything and he encourages me to talk to him. It's me that finds it hard to verbalise things when I'm in a bad state. He does find it difficult to deal with my self-injury, especially since it is not very often now, so it's a big deal if I do do it. He is very supportive and loving and I am very lucky in that respect. He understands that I may be depressed for some time and that makes me feel secure. I know I am luckier than most and I am thankful for it.

Again, thank you for your encouraging words. I used to visit this forum ages ago when I was a frequent self-harmer and now I remember why I used to come here for support.

[blondiebear]

The money for counseling is worth it. You are worth it. It is not a waste, any more than a visit to a regular doctor is a waste.

How fortunate you are to not have the side effects. The worst side effect I have is shaking hands but it doesn't bother me unless I get tired. Ironically enough I'm tired now and I have 34 buttons to sew onto four garments and I want to finish tonight.

Is there any way you can draw your feelings if you can't find the words for them? My new psychaitrist assigned me to do that and it helps. From drawing how I'd like to disappear to how much the noise of a big city intimidated me. I'm a gosh awful artist, the noise of the city was a stick figure with yellow hair holding her hands over her ears with all of the tall buildings looming and a cut away view of the subway because I could hear/feel that too.

[kamikazebaby]

It's so expensive though. My husband could learn to drive with the money we'd save by my not going to counselling. I already spend a lot of money on prescriptions and I just feel like I can't spend on counselling too. I guess I'll see what happens at the end of the uni counselling sessions.

Speaking of that, yesterday was lame. The doctor's appointment was a complete waste of time. He basically said 2 weeks isn't long enough to decide whether my medication dose is alright - even though I said I was feeling worse and the last doctor I saw (not my usual doc as he was on holiday) told me to come back in two weeks to review the dose. My doctor also said he wouldn't want to change the dose now in case I'm just depressed from exams and that's knocking out the effect of the meds. I'd have thought with a brief look at my patient history he'd see that I've been depressed for years. Exams make me more stressed. Stress and depression are different. Exams might contribute to the depression but they don't cause it. But then again - he's the professional, not me. I'm just finding all this so frustrating.

Then I got a call from the uni counselling service to say my counsellor is sick so they had to cancel my appointment & the next time both myself & my counsellor are available is the 12th of May. So it'll have been almost a month between appointments. I feel like I'm in the middle of this with no support.
Of course they said I could go in for an 'emergency' appointment or book in with another counsellor if I wished - but I find the first session with a new counsellor difficult and of course my current counsellor already knows all my history.

Blondiebear - your suggestion of drawing how I feel sounds like a lovely idea. I enjoy being creative but just haven't had the time or muse lately. I may well try that at some point, so thank you for the idea. I appreciate it.

I'm really sorry to whine. I'm just so tired. I have my first exam tomorrow and I do not feel ready for it. I have no energy and I'm so stressed out. I would really, *really* appreciate some support if anyone feels able to give it to me. I rarely ask for support but I'm just not coping at the moment. I'm sorry to bump up this thread again and really sorry to take up space on the forum. I could just do with some people to talk to.

[blondiebear]

Whine as much as you need. I've found for me that it takes four to six weeks to know if an AD will work. And it takes longer to get over the side effects. One of the side effects comes back when I'm tired but it is worth it.

Coffee and tea and even Pepsi and Coke help with energy too. Science learned years ago that people who drink multiple cups of coffee are unconsciously doing it to treat depression. So do what you have to.

You are worth it.