Triggering (SI/Suicide) - A big mistake or not? :(

hope51 · 28-04-2008, 04:27 PM

I know i havn't posted in a while and i don't feel as though i really have the right to be posting now, as i havn't been giving much surport to other people on here lately. But i have no where else to turn at the moment. I don't know what to do!

Anyway a quick recap, i resently turned 18 and have just been transferred over to adult services.

I did have an appointment for a home visit tomorrow but erm, i lied rang and said i was ill and canceled it.

Big mistake or not? I canceled it because i feel terrible at the moment, and i don't feel i could cope with seeing anyone let alone seeing someone to discuss how i feel. I just can't face it.

Everything seems out of control again, my SI has gone from bad to worse, sucidial thoughts are going around in my head day and night again.

I just want to give up, i don't feel i can cope anymore. is it such a bad thing to just want to give in?

Maybe it was a big mistake canceling my appointment tomorrow, but right now i kinda hope that everyone just forgets about me and i slowly just disapear into the background.

I don't even know where i'm going with this anymore. I just need someone to tell me everything is going to be ok, to understand. But then at the same time i feel as though i don't desearve anyone. I feel so alone at the moment lost inside myself. I don't know what to do anymore.

Gnomeboy · 28-04-2008, 06:19 PM

Hope, I know how you feel. I'm right back in the bus with you wanting but knowing where it leads. Things that used to work for me to get unstuck was a lot of physical activity. Since the injury, that has gone out the window, but it could work for you. Keep someone with you that will keep your mind off the urges. Just know that eventually, things will be okay. You will be okay again. I'm here if you want to PM me to talk.

Harley · 29-04-2008, 03:05 PM

Well sometimes it can do more harm than good when you are not ready - so in that way not... but you were so close to being somewhere which could really turn thing around, so your goal must be to get to that stage again asap.

The common fear with professionals is that they will strap you into a chair and not unchain you until they know all your deepest darkest secrets. However, if you walk in there and TELL them just how nervous you are, how much you are worried about opening the pandoras box of your issues, and that you are at a bad place and not feeling able to cope with letting it out they are trained and very capabable of dealing with that.

Right now you feel like you want to fade away, but I promise you that if you grab this situation by the balls and ensure things go your way, that you will soon be at a stage where you never look back.

So take a break, a deep breath, post tons on here for support and confidence and then go for it - it is definately better than hoping it will go away of its own accord, because it simply wont...it will get worse.

Best of luck with everything, I really hope things work out

Harley

x-mixedemotions · 29-04-2008, 03:53 PM

& i agree
everyones going to get nervous with home visits or even just visits to clinics, its human nature, the person that you are going to be seeing will know that youll be nervous. i for one know that my CPN is going quite easy on me because i told him that i was nervous and wasnt used to openin up.
child and adolescent isnt much different to the adult service to be honest, in child and adolescent they can talk with your parents/guardians but in the adult service anything you do say should be in the strictest of confidence and stay between you.
PM box is always open if you need a chat,im kind of in the same situation as you right now xx

hope51 · 29-04-2008, 09:44 PM

Thanks for the repiles. Didn't see anyone and havn't made a new appointment it just seems to scary. All my ways of coping don't seem to work as well as they used to anymore. I was thinking about it today and my whole life revoles around being self distructive at the moment. But to me i don't really see it that way, cos it's helping me to get though the day.

The only way i can cope at the mimute is to drink or do drugs to block everything out. I know it's not the best idea, and i know it's not going to help in the long run, but it's helping right now and i can only focus on the now at the moment not the future, not tomorrow, but now.

It's like going around in a circle and never getting anywhere, i'm either that wrapped up in what's going on inside my own head that i can hardly function, or that out of it i can't function. So i never get anywhere, just stay in the same place. A part of me is scared of breaking this circle now, because i'm scared of the unknown what could happen.

I'm complety loosing it! I don't know whats wrong with me, all i can think about is how much i wanna cut or do something worse. I'm thinking maybe i should just give in to these thoughts at least if i do it might make them stop for a bit. I just want it all to stop, i don't want to be scared anymore. :(

Gnomeboy · 01-05-2008, 01:36 AM

Hang in there. Its a rough patch right now, but just keep putting one foot in front of the other until you can break the circle.

hope51 · 01-05-2008, 11:25 PM

I don't know whether i can do this anymore, i've been out all day trying to keep myself busy. But know i'm back in my room, alone, just left with all these thoughts in my head. The quiet and knowing everyone is asleep, and that know one will wonder where i am for hours, just makes me want to cut even more, the thought of something going wrong and me taking it to far seems like a good idea right now. The urge is so strong right now and i feel so out of control. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I can't cope anymore. Why can't it just all be over? Out of control that's what i am, right now i feel as though what happens, happens, nothing i can do about it, i don't think i have the energy to try and fight anymore.