things have really fallen apart . to the extremes. i'm losing it again and so fast. things are so mixed up, so all over the place, people in me just dont know what to do.
smalls ended up wetting the bed. had a nightmare...half way through caught what was happening and ran, still a mess - sheets in the wash , scrub the mattress, start again...just want to rip myself to shreds. who i am ? no excuse for this, and how can i ever be hopeful as a mother if i cant even stop myself from pissing the ****ing bed. i know what its about - i know this nightmare...but i thought it'd gone..or at least didn't affect me so badly. i'm so angry at myself. angry and ashamed
don't be ashamed. are you getting some sort of counselling or something, seeing as this is affecting you so much?
*hugs* i'm sorry you are feeling so awful.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
You have nothing to be ashamed of sweetheat, it sounds like things are affecting you alot, do you have any support from a counseellor or anypne about this. Here if you need to talk. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
i know that when i am ashamed of myself, even if other people tell me it isnt shameful, i still feel that way, but i want to tell you that looking at it from the outside you don't seem to be a shameful person and i wish you could see that and not feel ashamed, Becci. also, none of what you mention here would make you an incapable mother honey.
if you know what the nightmare is about and where the feelings are coming from, you are already a huge step into recovering from this mess
please talk to your doc or somebody about it because you are suffering and you dont deserve any of it, but you do deserve help and there are people out there who can help you if you let them
please take care and let us know what is going on hun
xxxooo callie
thank you for all of your support, it really does mean a lot
i've been throwing this together, in a hope to express myself in a way i dont have the words for at the moment, hope its ok to share
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5uX2-Icf0U"]YouTube - me myself and us - dissociative identity disorder[/ame]
im so lost right now. so frightened. but running from the pain doesnt work, wherever you go - it finds a way of following ...always
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
wow Becci that video was amazing
i really loved it
that quote about getting a tattoo of love to cover the reminders of how much you used to hate yourself? that is an amazing quote
that must have taken a lot of work, making that
how are you doing? i hope you are doing okay
xxxooo
*snuggles you so close*
becci hunni.....im so sorry.
i understand how scay DID is.
i have it too.
i dont know that ive ever talked about it here.
but i have me, little Rachel, and a woman named Lacey. i dont know anyone but me. other people have seen little Rachel and Lacey but im not aware of them.
Lacey doesnt come around often. from what im told....she is a very very angry woman and basically hates everyone. little Rachel is....well....like me when i was little....very clingy and sweet.
it scares me when i get really angry because thats when Lacey will appear. on the other hand, when im really frightened....little Rachel will appear.
just want you to know that i understand DID all too well. everyone has different experiences with it. im working on it in therapy now....trying to bring all of "us" together. but its majorly hard.
*snuggles again*
love you.
xxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
That video was amazing, so full of emotion. I'm sorry you feel so lost dealing with this. I wish I could say more to help but I don't have the words. I just wanted you to know that your video was a wonderful way of expressing your emotions
Please don't feel ashamed, i know its hard not to but you don't need to here. I hope you have someone you can talk to because you have so much insight and that means that you can recover from this, it will get better. Knowing yourself makes it harder in some ways but it also means that with the right help you are in the best position to get better. How are you feeling today?
Jo xx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
things are just so **** right now. i want them to be ok , but nothing works. i reach out for support but nothing touches whats going on. Its not that i dont listen, nor is it that i dont want help. its all just impossible.so many struggles and the only con to self injury i can find right now is the mess that i cant be bothered to deal with and the trip to hospital which it is likely to result in.
for the few people i have in my life, i try to make thing s happy, but how can i begin to make things happy for other people if i'm so far from happy myself. To be honest - just 'ok' would be fine by me, but i've cornered myself with other peoples words and manipulations -yet again.
so everyone is unhappy with me. inside and out. wonderful
sometimes it feels like i'm not even allowed to admit suicidality because its 'so selfish'...heh. i dont need a guilt trip from people, i have enough of that in my head to begin with . i just want to be myself. for once.
thanks erin
i know you're right, its all such a struggle and taking a long time for me to be able to find the personal resources to be able to stick up for myself. On the plus side there is a lady in y town thats been smiling and waving to me for months. She was outside the coffee shop the other day and i finally took the step and said hello. As a result i seem to, for the 1st time in years, made a real life friend. wow. its a huge step for me even if it sound silly. For years the only friends i've had have been here or from here. As much as thats a lovely thing, the fact that i've somehow managed to make a real friend with no help is just stunning. plus i was wearing short sleeves as it was hot, so she already knows about the self injury, although we didnt discuss it. Shes coming over my house for coffee and to see my rats tomorrow..something to find a little hope in a suppose.
so to summise, i feel like crap, and i've still not managed to make any step forwards on where i'm at right now....but i do have a new friend...thats positive
Thats so cool to meet a new friend
I really hope it goes well
I know its hard not to feel guilty but i think it just makes things worse and compounds the other feelings. keep reaching out for support, hopefully you will find something that works for you.
*hugs* xxxxxx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
this pic is so i can always remember jen who was my l'il sock monkey friend who has left ryl and i miss her!!! 
