bit of a rant, i need to grow up and stop caring.

[_Mariana_]

Sorry, haven't been here for a while, haven't had the enthusiasm to do anything much lately.

OK, I’m sat here in tears. Again. And I should be out shooting because there is a competition in a few weeks that (now) I have no chance of getting entered for. I honestly don’t care. I can’t go and be happy and to be honest, I don’t even think I could draw the bow properly at the moment. I don’t care what I do to myself any more. I don’t care that the urges to cut are almost overwhelming and the only thing stopping me is I don’t have my knife any more. I don’t care that I’m not really eating enough. I don’t care that I avoid nearly everyone these days. I don’t care I’m not doing enough revision for my exams and am going to fail. I don’t care that I see no point on going back to the doctors even though I said I would. I don’t care that I can’t bring myself to talk to ANYONE.
What would I say? To the one person I used to trust:
The problem is mainly YOU. It feels like you just took what you wanted and then f----d off? I’m sick of being messed around and you picking up and putting down our friendship if and when you want? How can I trust people when I see evidence against all those things you said every day? How am I supposed to keep this all inside because I can’t tell anyone? I’m sick of playing second best although I know I’ll never be good enough? I need to know where I stand so I can move on?
I can’t say those things. So instead I say I'm fine or its just 'life'. I’m trying so hard to convince myself I don’t care that he ignores me. But he can also be so nice and caring. And comments like ‘grow up, deal with it like a normal person’ hurt. But when he is the only one I used to trust fully things have got bad. I am finding it difficult to stay in the same room, I am finding it difficult to do stuff I used to enjoy, I am finding it difficult to be supportive of his partner and her achievements even though i know i should be. I either want to shout or i want to cry so i end up walking out which doesn't help.
I take no pride in my life any more. Support would be nice please?

[Silver Phoenix]

Sorry don't really have anything useful to say but just wanted you to know I read your post *hugs*

Maybe you could try talking to him in someway? Write him a letter or something?

[_Mariana_]

thanks for reading. i have tried writing him a letter in the past. i think he read it but then never said anything about it so im not sure i want to repeat that again. but it was a good idea so thanks. I think the main problems are
a) he thinks i am childish dealing with problems the way i do. i honestly don't know what else to do, i have tried other things. so although he used to be supportive, now i haven't 'grown out of it' its stupid to him and not worth wasting time on.
b) i don't feel i can move on until i know what he feels about me and he tells me calmly, not a situation where he just wants something. because until i know there is no chance there will always be a bit of me that will want to stay free just in case. i need to know but he wont say.
xxx

[_Mariana_]

and just to top off the day, i've just heard that one of my best friends at uni has just packed up and gone home today without telling anyone. possibly permenantly. i'm worried about her.