i dont know where to start.
im currently having a conversation with someone about recovering and stopping from SI. and its making me realise how much this is for other people. stopping this. its always been for other people. im scared that if i do it, ill have to listen to how dissapointed they are in me. ill have to see the dissapointment in their face. the tone of their voices change.
recovering... stopping from SI isnt what i want anymore. but im so scared of being the dissapointment again.
i cant think straight to put anything in this right now. i dont know why im putting anything at all. i guess you were right. i would reach the point of no return. i think thats where i am now.
**If You Love Someone Or Something Enough, Set Them Free.**
hey hun,
I'm sorry you're not feeling too well. I know how you feel, being torn between cutting and not cutting. Why is it that you don't want to stop SIing anymore? What changed?
I see in your signature, "12 months and counting"... I assume that means you've been cut free for 12 months? (correct me if I'm wrong)... You've gone so far, why do you want to go back? It's fantastic that you've gone so far. But we all slip up, go back to our 'comfort zone' of SI.
Until you pinpoint a reason why you want to go back to SI, try not to. You may feel differently after you go back.
I'll be around for awhile if you want to talk.
That is an amazing distance to go without, congrats! I'm sorry something has changed for you that makes you not want to try anymore. I know how it feels to be so terrified of disapointing people or hurting them--almost every lie i've told in my life is so that somemone else doesn't get hurt. I know it just makes things worse in the long run, so i beg you not to be like me, hehe.
On another note though... this may be something trying to tell you that your reasons have to change. You should be quitting for yourself, for your own pride and your own well being rather than out of fear of other people's reactions. It will make your commitment stronger and longer if you can do it that way. This is my experience talking.
I hope you don't throw your year away, but remember that if you do slip up, you still made an amazing accomplishment and you're still that much closer to quitting for good.
i should of changed the 12 months thing as soon as i joined again on this website. i messed up a couple of weeks back. and ive been trying to stop again but now i realise its not what i want. this isnt what i want, any of this. i wish less people relied on me and i wish i didnt have to pretend i was okay. im not, but people never see that.
**If You Love Someone Or Something Enough, Set Them Free.**
no one understands me when i say that i may be stopping but im not recovering. they look at me like im stupid. but im not. i know what i mean by it. im not recovering. doesnt recovery bring healing with it? and stopping just means you stop doing it. ive stopped doing it but im not recovering from it. i still need it and think about it as much as i did over a year ago now. i wish i could have the courage to tell my aunt that i messed up doing it, but im proving to be the liar that i am. i havnt told her and i dont plan on telling her. ive already lost what me and her had, the letters and phone calls, because she got so sick and tired of me cutting. and now, after so long, for me to turn around and say 'actually, i did cut. im now only a month free on the 19th'. ive lost 12 months when you look at it. i am the failure everyone sees me as. i understand why they say it now.
**If You Love Someone Or Something Enough, Set Them Free.**
to be happier and to not ever want to turn to cutting when things get bad.
if people had of given me the help i need i wouldnt be thinking the things that i am right now
but still people fail to see and fail to understand. ai odnt know how much clearer it has to be. i dont know what i have to do to make them see.
hah. thats a lie. i know what i have to do to make them see. and then itll be too late to help me.
i dont know whats goign on in my head anymore.
**If You Love Someone Or Something Enough, Set Them Free.**
stopping is impossible if you don't want to and/or you're not ready.
don't feel bad, people who care about you and want to help you will not be disappointed with you.
sorry i'm not more help.
PM me if you want to chat at all.
*hug*
For what it's worth it was worth all the while. I hope you had the time of your life...
I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh; I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you want to cry
~ ddoouubbllee lleetttteerr tthhrreeaaddeerr
~ honourary emma
~ honourary katY [Kat*Y* with a *Y* Club]
people WOULD be dissapointed in me
they have been before.
i promised.. PROMISED my aunt that i would stop.. for her.
and now, if i turn around and tell her ive done it again, its going to be how it was when she gave up on trying to help me. i cant cope with that again. simple as that.
**If You Love Someone Or Something Enough, Set Them Free.**
You're being really harsh on yourself by saying you've lost all that time without cutting. No matter that you slipped up now - you made it twelve months without, and that's a great accomplishment. Especially since you said you still wanted to cut. The fact is that you didn't for a long time, and you can be proud of that. I know I'm proud of you for that!
See, I made promises like that before. It never ended well - in my experience, promising to stop is impossible. You're only human, you can only try. And it's not fair to expect you can just stop from one day to the next when you're not ready.
Instead of trying to change for other people, maybe you should think about what you want to change for yourself, so you are feeling better. Pretending to be ok gets exhausting. I think recovering from SI is not all about stopping. It's about finding other ways to release tension, to deal with feelings. Do you have anything like that? People to talk to, things to do? It might be worth a thought to consider therapy. No one can tell you what the best way for you to go is, but a counsellor or therapist might be able to show you the possibilities.
No matter what stopping is hard, its like alcoholics, take each day at a time, don't second guess everything, you're trying, you're making an effort and that is something, they're not going to be disappointed, they will be supportive, and if they're not then you have us at RYL. Believe in the good, or you will be sucked into the bad. I really do know how you feel. I relapsed this weekend after two months of stopping but I just vented to a friend and I feel so much better. I believe that you'll be alright.
And even if you don't now you have so many more days to get better and people to support and love you
i wish i did have people to turn to now. but fact is, idont really have anyone anymore. not that i truly trust. all my friendships at the moment are going downhill and yeah, it may be my fault for asking for 'space'. but i dont know how else to try make them see that im not okay. how else can i make them see that i need them more now than i have before? pushing them away is easier than knowing their there but i cant talk to them. at least with pushing them away they arent there so i cant talk to them. i think i may have just had some kind of panic attack. 5 minutes before going to work, i started to panic, i was over the sink retching. but i was being sick. i was crying. shaking. and i couldnt breath. i dont know what the hell was happening. but now i know my dads worried about me. and also my mum. i rang her in tears after my dad went to work and now ive agreed to go to the doctors tomorrow. i know this stress is probably making my blood pressure go up like it did last time i just dont know how to stop it. i dont understand any of this to stop it. :(
**If You Love Someone Or Something Enough, Set Them Free.**
