I'm just so bad with it at the moment. Iv'e always had mild depression from like the age of 10, then it probably got to moderate when i was 15/16, now im really bad.
Everything i do i just feel sort of numb, like i don't experience happiness or joy, well more sadness n depression but sometimes i feel cut off from my feelings. I don't sleep til like 6am, wake up late on in the day, but if i'm not doing anything during the day, i just get sleepy again and want to go to bed. I'll get dressed look in the mirrow, and my clothes, make-up hair isnt right so i don't go out. If im ugly i don't go out of the house. Just sit and watch tv, gettin fatter and fatter.
When i go to uni, i'm not with it and all i think about is going home and sleeping, (i usually go on four hours sleep).
I feel like my friends are all getting along with their life and beign happy, with their boyfriends/girlfriends and other friends, they've all got somebody who cares ya kno, i'm jsut stuck on my own. Some friends know how i feel and know about my purigng too but they don't care, they just care about their happiness and only want to know me when somethings going **** in their lives cause im all nice and try to help and worry too much about them.
To top if off i have ocd i think, like safety stuff, checking plugs at night ect.. i think thats why i avoid going to bed till so late, i just put off the anxiety.
I use distractions, like food, tv, alcohol, dvds,comps, sleep just so i don't have to be alone with my thoughts. When i lay in bed i even hav my mp3 player on and turn it off when i know i'm really sleepy.
My mum doesn't understand me either, iv'e tried explaining everytihng, she pretends to understand and then forgets all about it, she buys me junk food when she knows that i purge..
I tried counselling when i was about 17, it was a load of crap really it didnt help me, just went round and round in circuls, i wanted the counsellor to explain to me why i was feeling all this and how to stop it but she didnt.
I just can't see a way out nomore, like people can give me advice, tell me how nice things can be, what i can do to change, but i'm beyond that, i used to listen, used to try, but it never works out. I just get depressed, look at myself in the mirrow and refuse to go out and **** it all up!
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry that this is bascially a big ranting essay of nonsense.
just wanted to let you know that I read, dunno if I can of much help
Maybe give counselling another try? A big part of counselling is how you get on with your counsellor so maybe someone else might be of use. I know when I saw the college counsellor when I was doing my degree that he was a complete arse, but have subsequently met much better counselling type people (well psychologists)
Hi thankyou for your reply, its something i've thought about but never seem to get round to doing, i think i'm scared it wont work out again. I've thought about cbt for my ocd but i duno, i don't think i'm that bad, i just check plugs over again at night and have stuff with numbers and touching wood if i think anything bad, like intrusive thoughts. xx
I know exactly how you feel.
hang in there
thinking of you
xx
" I wake up feeling convicted, / I know something's not right / Re-acquaint my knees with the carpet //
They've been swimming in the wrong waters / Now they're pulling me down / But I am clinging to you, never letting go / 'Cause I know that you'll lift me out //
Have your way here / Keep me afloat / 'Cause I know I'll sink without you / Take this ocean of pain that is mine / Throw me a lifeline " - Lifeline, Brooke Fraser
I'm sorry that this is bascially a big ranting essay of nonsense. 
