Rant - 120 (triggering SI)

[prs100]

120. 120 cuts. 120 scars. 120 wounds. 120 reminders of how worthelss I am. 120. All on one arm. 120 small cuts; scratches that bled. 120 reasons I need to get help. 120 reasons why I don't want help. 120 cuts in 10 minutes. How sick am I for counting? How sick am I for wanting to feel pain? How sick am I for even smiling, or even feeling satysfied? How sick am I for crying, for inflicting pain on myself? 120 wounds that bled. The blood falling on the ground into a puddle. 120 explainations. 120 emotions running through my mind. I need help...but I don't want to go to a fucking therapist. Or anyone else. I just want to be alone...and I want to be with someone. I am so confused. I want to stop SHing but I want to continue. Why do this to myself? I am so confused I don't know what to do about this. I am too young to deal with these thoughts I am having. About suicide..about making 120 more cuts. How I shed 120 tears. I watched myself cut into my arm... 1, 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,50..100...110..115..119..120. 120 cuts. I need help. But I don't know who to get help from. Not from a doctor, or a therapist, but a human being that knows what I am going through, not about what I am going through. I am afraid of myself..

[Squiffie_1]

Im so sorry you are feeling this way hun :( I understand what you are going through - you arent alone. I dont have much in the way of advice but i do have lots of hugs for you *HUGS*
Please feel better soon and PM me if you need anything
xxx

[huggybear]

*Hugs you tight*
do u know why you are feeling ike this at the moment? has something happened recently to make you feel like this? you are never alone in this.. not ever there is always someone willing to listen if you need them to be they people you know or here on RYL..
if you want someone to rant to my pm box is always open!
Take care x

[Cazki]

Heya there *Hugs you* Im really sorry that your feeling like this. Im incredibly sorry that things are so painful for you. You dont deserve this at all. It doesnt make you a sick person that you smile when you self harm or for wanting pain. Could you talk to us about what it is that makes you harm yourself? Your not a sick person at all. Do you have any support at all? You mention that you dont want to see a therapist at all, but could you tell us why you dont want to see a therapist? None of us can make you see a therapist, but you have to realise that there is only so much we can do to help you.


I do understand that this is difficult for you, but if you dont get support for this then things will only get worse. Can you talk to us about what it is thats making you feel like this? Is there something going on in your life at the moment that is making you feel like this? Have you tried distractions at all? Distractions are a much healthier way of dealing with this situation, distractions dont hurt you, harming yourself does and is also extremly addictive. Please remember that we are all here for you and that this isnt something that you will have to go through on your own. We will do the best we can to support you.

This is why its so hard to stop, once you start its incredibly difficult to stop. There lots of different distractions that you could have a go at trying, like going out for a walk, listening to music, doing jobs to keep yourself busy, dancing, watching a movie or posting on the fun and distractions forum. This link also has lots of other distractions that you could try http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...ead.php?t=1403 i hope that this link is of some benefit to you. Please try not to be so hard on yourself, the more you do this the harder things become. Trust me i used to be extremly hard on myself and it just made things worse for me. It really doesnt help at all. Please try to be as gentle with yourself as you can. Take things in small steps a day at a time. Please take it easy. Keep talking ot us.

Take care best wishes Ian xxxxxxxx

[Only Distraction]

Im sorry.

[broken and defeated]

Huge Hugs Hun

whats going on to make u feel like this?
ur not alone either
im always here if u want to chat so pm im ready to listen
lots of Hugs Amy

[prs100]

everything is just wrong...I want to stop cutting

[Behind the Smile]

wanting to stop is the first step.
think of alternatives, distract yourself from urges
we're all behind you!
PM me anytime, x

[prs100]

The distractions only work when I am not triggered and when I am trying not to get triggered. But when I AM triggered, nothing could distract me

[Behind the Smile]

I understand.
Try using the red marker pen method by drawing on yourself instead of cutting.
Or even pinging an elastic band on your wrist.

[prs100]

Red pen?? Would that really help? I tried the rubber band method before. But it made my hand swollen because I popped myself so much. Gah, this is so so painful.

[Behind the Smile]

the red pen has been known to help some people.
you could try talking about things with people, that often helps to get everything out.
i know how much pain you're in, i did the same number the other day.
*massive hugs*

[prs100]

I have no one to talk to..no one to help. No one. No one to support me, except Stace <3. No one cares. Not even my family. Every time I try to talk to someone, they push me away, walk away, shun me, or just completely ignore me. I feel like I am alone in this and I have no one to help me or protect me. My family says I just want attention, and yes, I do want attention, but I don't cut because I want attention!! The attention I want is for my artistic talents to get recognize, my poetic talent to get recognized! I want attention for something positive, not negative. If I wanted attention, I wouldn't wear my jacket everyday...

[Behind the Smile]

everyone here on RYL cares about you.
I care about you.
Your family are wrong. We know that, you know that, all the people that matter know that.

[prs100]

I know..I'm just having a hard time beleiving that. Everthing I ever knew was a lie. Everytime when someone said that they cared, they didn't care...

[Behind the Smile]

I know it's hard, but you have to forget what has happened
and look forward to a bright, SH free future!

[prs100]

I can't forget about my molestation. I can't forget the neglect. I can't forget the way I feel. I can't forget my scars, because they are always there..

[Behind the Smile]

but you can start to get better,
do you see a counsellor or anything like that?

[hoping_one day]

Hon we've been talking for a while now and I meant what I said....I will always be here for you.
I have only just read your pm so I'm so sorry I hadn't had chance to reply sooner. You do have someone, you know that.
I promised you I won't be like the others, and I'll keep my word.
You have to trust me that I DO care.
I will support you through this, and thank you for trusting me, I know it won't come easily so that means a lot to me.
You ARE strong enough to beat this Ordette. The girl I've gotten to know, she is a pretty inspirational person who didn't deserve the hand life dealt her. I think you're one of the people most determined to beat this I have ever met.
I have complete confidence in you.
I'm sorry if you don't think I care. Nothing could be further from the truth.

[prs100]

thank you. Please pm me soon...