Triggering (SI) - anxious panic

[l'il esky]

hi,

new here sorry to post so early when havent really replied to many posts.

feeling really anxious and i wanna sh soooooooooo badly. i was really stupid yesterday with what i did and scared myself but here i am today thinking about doing exactly the same thing and i dont know how to get out of this mind frame. there are only so many a girl can have to distract herself!! got counsellors tomorrow but only managed 2 in a row ever before quitting so will see how it goes.

think i need major huggles and someone to maybe handcuff me so i cant sh-im sure i'd fine a way tho

[Virenia]

*hugs, hugs and more hugs* Of course you can post even though you're new here (and welcome, by the way). I know exactly what you're going through, it can be so hard sometimes. It might feel that SH would make you feel better, but in reality it does the complete opposite. Feel free to PM me and talk about it if you want to distract yourself and get some support.

[l'il esky]

thanks :)

usually i really regret everything i do after esp with cutting but somehow burning i dont feel the same mayb cos you can say i just burnt it etc but i am craving the after effect, the scar and pain. i havent done it where people can see the scar unless they looked closely but i wanna see the scar and i want it to be bigger than it is now-oh im such a freakazoid!!!!!

[Virenia]

Just had to come back here, to tell you that you are not a freak at all. For me it often involves the fact that I can see the scars, not because I could show them to everyone, but because it feels like I have some sort of visual proof that I'm feeling horrible and I'm going through a rough time and I'm not just imagining the pain (now I sound like a freak!). I'm not proud of the scars, it's just good to have something reminding me about the things I've done.

Have you talked about your SH to anyone, a counselor or your family or friends? I've heard that it could really help

[l'il esky]

yeh thats me aswell, i like to see them but wish they were invisible to everyone else. a few of my friends know, and2 of my managers know and all have been great but dont like feeling like they pity me or that my whole life when im with them is about sh. its just crap. think im gonna have a bath and think about whether it'll just be easier for me to get on with the sh and shut up. ohhhhhhhhhhhhh why is life so difficult. thanks for the support virenia *hug*

[l'il esky]

i failed or in my mind at presend succeeded. bloody hurts tho