Triggering (SI/OD) - I dont know what im doing any more

[cutter4life]

I'm noticing that i need cayous in my life in order to function. so sometimes i feel like that i purposely got caught cutting, so i would end up in the hospital. Then when things were to calm i had to stir up some kind of trouble there. Just so i can have cayous. i hope my life isn't like that the older i get. any way i cut again today just for having to much cayous. there is never a good middle, or what therapist would say " a healthy middle". Yeah so that's it for me for now.

[Animad]

Chaos won't make anything better. The more Chaos there is the more you will not know where you are and the more unsettled you become the more likely you are to cut. I know you might also find it hard when life is stable because then you have chance to think about things/ you notice more one of things that happen or whatever, I don't know but it isn't something that will be helping. Going into hospital won't suddenly make everything chaotic and doing things that are going to get you into hospital is something you are likely to regret, maybe not now but when you look back on it in years to come. Plus, once you are in hospital you have to live an institutionalised life, you do what they say when they say, it's all timetabled and stuff. That is to reduce chaos so surely that will make it harder for you in the long run? Why do you feel like you need everything to be chaotic? A steady life may not be fun but neither is one where you don't know what's happening day to day.

Sorry, I know it's probably useless advise but I tried!

[ZDrache]

I sometimes feel a bit like that (well, I refer to it as "Drama" rather than chaos) and I understand how it can almost be...addictive, in a way. It gives you something to concentrate on, even unhealthily. And then calmness might be too boring, or...you feel it won't last, so you might as well make some trouble happen now.
But when you're happier, calmness is the best thing.
Sorry, this was probably a bit of a pointless post. *hugs*

[cutter4life]

chaos is all i ever known. when i was talking about maybe i wanted to go to the hospital to get away from chaos. the thing is im so use to it that i needed it to feel normal.