Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - I need to be clean

Sugar and Spice · 19-04-2008, 02:49 PM

I feel so sick. I can't carry on like this.
The constant battle is just that. Constant.
I can't seem to be able to stop thinking about sex. Or craving it, or watching porn, or reading erotic stories, or masturbating or having it.
The problem is how it makes me feel. I feel like dirt. I feel diseased. I feel filthy. I feel physically sick.
I need to be clean again. Water doesn't help. Water just prevents other people from seeing me for what I am.
I want to cut it out of me. I want to try and bleed it out. There is no other way for me to get clean.

Yellow · 19-04-2008, 11:08 PM

oh sweetie...
im not sure what to say and im sorry for that.
i just want to give you some *safe clean snuggles*
loves.
xxxx

chocostashchick · 19-04-2008, 11:52 PM

Carole you arent dirty
none of that makes you dirty
honestly please believe me
cutting wont help
you might feel better for a little bit but it wont solve any of the problems and all you will be left with is another scar to hide
you deserve help if you feel this bad
have you talked to your doc about it? it's too much to go through alone honey
please be safe
xxxooo

effervescence · 20-04-2008, 01:13 PM

hey carole.
callie is right, as usual :) none of this makes you dirty hun. i can understand why you might feel like it does but honestly it doesn't. you don't need to punish yourself for anything so please don't cut. it won't help. maybe u shld talk to your dr about it just to get some more reassurance that might help you start to feel more comfortable with yourself?

Pomegranate · 20-04-2008, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chocostashchick

Carole you arent dirty
none of that makes you dirty
honestly please believe me
cutting wont help
you might feel better for a little bit but it wont solve any of the problems and all you will be left with is another scar to hide
you deserve help if you feel this bad
have you talked to your doc about it? it's too much to go through alone honey
please be safe
xxxooo

Lol damn Callie for always giving the best advice! She is right though, what you are doing is nothing to be ashamed of and not worth cutting over either. Talk to your doctor and he might be able to arrange some help for you to stop it bothering you so much xx

blondiebear · 20-04-2008, 01:55 PM

You're not dirty, just human.

Sugar and Spice · 20-04-2008, 02:27 PM

Thank you for your kind replies, it means a lot :)

I haven't given in yet. Not sure how long that will last though.

I don't have a therapist of counsellor or anything like that. I was getting assessed earlier this year but he concluded that therapy would do me more harm than good.

Had an argument with my boyfriend this morning as he cottoned on to the fact that I wasn't ok last night. I insisted that I was ok now and he wouldn't believe me. So, true to form, I got bitchy and we aren't talking now.

I don't know what to do about any of this. Even if I did have someone to help me, I feel so ashamed about it that I just can't bring it up.

chocostashchick · 23-04-2008, 11:47 PM

maybe you could be re-evaluated? i dont really see how therapy can EVER do more harm than good so long as the therapist is a good match
please dont be ashamed
Carole honey you need to talk to somebody and the bottom line is that nobody is perfect and we all have issues and they are nothing to be ashamed of
your bf sounds like a nice guy
i think it is really cute that he was so worried about you, but i'm sorry that you ended up fighting about it
how are things now?
xxxooo