I hate saying this, but I need help. Or at least I think I need help.
About a year ago I had been clean for six months and was actually doing really well. I had started hanging out with a different group of friends that were better for me, and I was hardly having any urges and the ones I were having were pretty weak. I told everyone that I was finally at a place in my life where I knew I had to get better and I was going to do it no matter what. I also told my friends how much they had to do with my getting better.
Fast forward to two months ago. My life is great, I'd been clean for over a year for the first time since I was 16, I've got friends that know about my past but don't focus on it, my parents are commenting on how much better I'm doing emotionally (I've never told them I SI), and inside I'm a mess. I'm wanting to cut more than ever before, suicidal, and having to fight down violent urges.
As much as I don't want to say it, but I gave in and started cutting again just a few weeks ago. No one knows and I don't know how or if I should tell them. I'm not even sure if I WANT to tell them. Everyone is so proud of me and thinks I want to get better, which at the time I said that I did, but now if though its not healthy I don't want to stop. Being clean was scary, cutting feels safe in a weird twisted way. And after telling my friends that they had done so much to help me stop, what are they going to think if they find out I'm hurting myself again?
But at the same time, I don't know how much longer I can keep up this act of being "cured". I need the support that I know my friends can provide, and that having up this mask isn't helping me get back in a mental place where I can and will want to stop cutting.
I guess the whole point of this is for suggestions, advice, what have you. I'm at a total loss as for what to do.
Dear you've did so great for staying SI free for this long time I'm so proud of you *gives a supportive hug*
I don't think you should feel bad about slipping up again ,slip ups are part of recovery , and they tell you that there are still some issues that you need to handle your not fully recovered yet .
How/ what was your coping mechanism for the time you've been SI free ? I suggest that you try and see what made you want to hurt yourself , why were you feeling suicidal and what were the reasons for your slip up ?
I think that you should be honest with your friends about your slip up , they seem like very nice understanding people , you can make them ( and you too ) read this article about slipping up , it'll be very helpful for you in the future not to slip up again , see the link.
Recovery needs time and and work , you can recover just stay strong and keep fighting , if you ever need to talk just PM me xxx
A little angel fell into my arms at the 7th of december 2010
Hey there *cuddles you* im really sorry that you slipped up. Please dont be so hard on yourself though, i think you did an excellent job to stay free from self harm for all this time im extremly proud of you. Slipping up is part of recovery but it doesnt mean that you have failed and that you should give up on recovering. Can you talk to us about what it was that caused you to slip up? What was it that was making you feel suicidal? The more you beat yourself up and put yourself down the harder things will be for you.
I know this is very hard for you but you can get through this, because we are all here for you and this isnt something that you will have to go through on your own. Try to keep yourself distracted as much as you possibly can, there are lots of distractions that you could try, such as going for a walk, listening to music, posting on the fun and distractions forum, watching a movie, doing jobs to keep yourself busy, or writing down your thoughts and feelings down.
Maybe if you feel it would help you could keep your thoughts and feelings in a diary? This link is called the big distractions list and has lots of other distractions that you could have a go at trying http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...ead.php?t=1403 i hope that the link i have given you is of some benefit to you. I think you should try and be honest with your friends and tell them about your slip up, they seem extremly understanding and supportive. You dont have to tell them though it is up to you whether you decide to tell them, we cant make you tell them, i just think it would help you if you told them especially as they have been so supportive in the past. Please take things in small steps, a day at a time. Please keep talking to us.
It sounds like you have a good support network who are willing to listen to you. Talking it out with your friends can help ease some of the tension you're feeling and also reassure you that you've got people that care about you. Or if you aren't ready to tell your friends and family, you could always write out your feelings in a journal (sounds corny, but it helps).
I'm so sick and tired of the taste of tears the sting of pain the smell of fear the sounds of crying
-Voltaire "Feathery Wings"
I'm not really sure what my coping mechinism was when I was doing so well. I know this sounds odd, but I'm not 100% sure I even had one because it wasn't really needed. I wasn't having urges or they were really weak for the most part and easily ignored.
That might have been part of my problem, I wasn't forced to come up with another way to deal, and when the urges came back strongly I wasn't prepared to handle them.
As for why I was feeling the way I was, it has to do with my father and my friends. I've been off work for over a year at this point taking care of him because he can't be alone. I've basically given up my life for him, and he really doesn't seem to appreciate it at times. Then, two of my friends who are engaged are having problems and I know if they break up I'll either loose the guy who I'm closer with, or the girl and a lot of the rest of my friends who would view it as betrayal because I've known them longer. I'm not saying I'm cutting because of them, but more because of the stress brought about by the situation. Then even when I was doing well I was hesitant to let them know when I had a bad day because I didn't want them to worry about me. That added a lot of stress too.
I know my friends would be supportive, but I just can't let them down. Not that they'd feel disappointed in me, but I'd be disappointed in me if I told them. Which I know how silly that sounds. Added to that, is they didn't know me the last time I was this bad and I don't know that they can handle it. I don't want to loose them like I have other friends who were supportive when I was actively working on getting better, but not when I was at the point I am right now where I'm not even sure I want to fight it yet. Not that I blame them, I can imagine that dealing with someone who is self destructive and knows it, but doesn't seem to care or want to change can be tiring.
