I got a phone call at 5:30pm (Pacific Daylight Time.) My mother in law was at the hospital she was going in for emergency outpatient eye surgery. Hopefully they will save the eye. My father in law was with her and he is seriously senile. It took both of us to get them home.
I'm only now, 18 years after i left home, starting to deal with having taken care of my parents and sister.
I can't decide if I want to scream in frustration or shout "NO" so loud that everyone in the county will be able to hear it. Or if I want to take it out on myself because I don't want to do it. Because I feel icky because I don't want to do it. Because I feel trapped because of all of the time I spent taking care of my parents and sister and i don't want to spend more years of my life taking care of them?
I want to cut my way out of this cage and trap of duty that is closing in on me. I'd rather injure myself than injure anyone else. I don't want to injure myself either. I deserve better than that. But if I have to, I will injure myself. I will implode rather than explode all over them. Hopefully I'll find a way so I won't have to do either.
Last edited by blondiebear : 18-04-2008 at 06:21 AM.
Reason: revise/update title
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
susan, you don't have to implode. you don't have to take on all the duty. if he really is senile then can he not get some kind of carer or nurse person who comes to check on them when needed so you don't have to assume the whole responsibility?
does your husband have any siblings who can help him share the load?
please don't hurt yourself over other people. i know you don't want to - you know you don't want to. try not to let others' situations drive you to self-harm. it's not fair on you, you don't deserve to hurt the most.
this is not only your problem. this is your husband's problem, and any other family, and the care system's prblem to make sure that they are ok.
*hugs*
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
I wish I could be with you to offer both physical support and all the hugs you could take from me. I do feel so much the pain you must have inside and I know how much it can burn right through you.
You are such a genuine and caring person, I think caring for so many people in your life is inspiring beyond words, especially when it has not always been shown with gratitude. You deserve so much happiness and you really, genuinely do, I wish I knew how to make that happen for you.
I always remember one thing when I feel triggered to cut though, and it's don't write their hate on your arms. Don't let their attitudes and hurt towards you be written on you as a permanent reminder. Don't give them that satisfaction.
I'm sorry if that's no help, it's just the one thought that has always been able to make me feel strong enough not to cut.
Much love to you and you're in my thoughts and prayers....always.
*hugs you tight*
Han7777777 is my dear RYL sister.
Ordette a.k.a prs100 is my RYL Daughter
Don't this situation turn into something where you hurt yourself, shout scream you have every right to get out your fustration in this way. So what if everyone in the county hears it? Its better than hurting you.
effervescence is right if he's senile is there not some care package available to him? it doesn't seem right that you have deal with it.
sometimes when i feel like that i spin round in circles screaming, it makes you feel so dizzy and tired that the need to hurt yourself sort of fades momentarily.
*big squishes*
Jo xxxx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
My husband has three other siblings. It is just that we live closest. My inlaws moved two years ago from 25 miles away to 1.5 miles away. When my mom in law asked our cross streets then told me she was having her real estate agent find them a house within five miles of it, i think I paniced. The other siblings live in the area but the closest is 40 miles away. They are helping especially my husband's brother and his four adult kids.
Until my in laws sell the old house, they don't have a lot of cash flow.
Last we stopped at the old house to pick up my husband's nephew who agreed to take care of his grandparents overnight. He's a good guy and has done it before. I want to suggest to my mother in law that she hire him to help out.
Still my husband and I are closest and my schedule is flexible.
Last edited by blondiebear : 16-04-2008 at 04:16 PM.
Reason: correction
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
hmm. in my perspective, 40 miles is not far away. glad they are helping somewhat though.
yes you are closest, but take an example from my life. my grandmother lives in hertfordshire. my uncle lives literally down the road and he only goes to her when he wants her to babysit his children. my other uncle lives on the other side of london and she sees him more often but only at times like christmas. my parents and i live in new zealand. however we are the ones with the most frequent contact and the ones who would get her help if she needed it.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
Forty miles is not far away. My husband's brother and his kids have done a lot fixing up the old house so it could be sold. Each individual there has put in many more hours than Philip and I have. We had to drop out of that project because I was diagnosed by my doctor as being exhausted. My husband's older sister has done what she can; she lives on the other side of L.A. and crossing that city is a 60 mile hour long chore at best. My husband's younger sister lives 100 miles away and she and her husband work different days so they can homeschool their boys.
If not for property tax reasons, I think my parents in law would have moved out to Riverside County where my husband's brother is. Because they have to stay here in Orange County, it means that my husband and I are the ones who are "on call" in case of emergencies.
My mom in law is doing much better. It seems that they caught the infection in time. I was afraid that she would lose her vision and not be able to drive any more. It is not my mom in laws actions or attitudes that are the problem. She will not phone unless it is a real emergency which last night was. There was no way she could drive home after eye surgery.
My husband and I have plans to go out to the desert this coming weekend. When I talked to mom in law I reminded her. So if she has a problem she will call her other son or one of his kids.
It is really about my problems with having been trapped for 23 years with Jerre-dad's strong sense of duty, Heather-sis's selfish attitudes and Julia-mom's physical disability that is made exponentially worse by her untreated mental illness. Right now I don't want to hear from any of them short of a funeral.
So I know it is my issue. That I have work to do. Whenever I get caught by the needs of family, I panic.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
i don't blame you for panicking at all honey
btw i am very proud of you for not hurting yourself
i don't know if this is right and maybe i shouldn't say this, but hey next time i vote that if it comes down to it, explode on them instead of imploding if you have to - it's the better option
the best option i guess is open communication but hey if the situation is dire exploding is okay if it gets the job done
anything is better than hurting yourself - really saying the thing that might be hurtful but needs to be said if it is what you are feeling and thinking is so much better than doing something that is definitely hurtful to yourself
i also think it is nice that your family is so tight and that you all help out
it's hard being the closest though and feeling like the burden is automatically yours
my grandma lived about 15 miles from us before she passed away, and my two uncles lived in different states that were both airplane flights away, so it was always me or my mom driving her to doctor's appts and making the emergency trips to hospitals and all of that and i hated seeing how in the last years it basically stole my mother's private life and all my uncles did was make weekly phone calls, if that
but i digress
anyway i think Jo is right and if he qualifies as disabled (which senility is), and he is a senior, i think he qualifies for benifits that would get him at the least a part-time home health aide or something either covered by insurance or medicare or something like that
maybe you could look into that if it makes sense for him and your mother-in-law?
I wish my mother in law would get care my for father in law. Until she sells the old house, she doesn't have a lot of cash but they do have a lot of investments so they won't qualify for govt. aid. It is Rosemom's choice and she wants to take care of her husband of nearly 60 years.
My mother in law is a love. I feel bad just because I feel trapped and frustrated at having to help them sometimes. It isn't Rosemom's fault. She turns 80 in two weeks and she is wonderfully independent. She has her moments but who doesn't. Her giving nature is an example to me of what I want to be when I grow up.
Today in the morning womens' aa meeting I was part of debate that turned into an argument, an ugly one. I seriously played a part in the uglyness. I seriously need to make some major apologies. At lunch my aa sponsor told me that I have to let go of all of this stuff that makes me feel so frustrated. I tried to explain it to her, that I am getting rid of the frustrations and all the stuff from my childhood, but that it is the very cells of my system and that it takes work and it takes time. I think it is time for me to show her the art therapy and the child sexual abuse workbook.
Today I wore a "prayer shawl" that I made as a way of wearing a blankie. During the break someone asked me if I was cold, knowing that I'm just the opposite. So I explained it and they understood that it was a way I was taking care of myself. I got a nice hug too, which makes me feel better.
Last edited by blondiebear : 18-04-2008 at 06:31 AM.
Reason: revise stuff
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
