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Bad News *Possible Triggering SI/Suicide*
Not too sure where to start, but I'm really struggling to cope with never being able to see my daughter again. She was taken away 6 years ago(when she was 3) after I dissociated and she was placed in the care of my mother. My mother refused to let me see her and then suddenly moved away without leaving an address with anyone. It took me 5 long years to pick myself up enough to go to court to find out where she was and to see her. I was told that it would just be a formality, that there would be no problem. But I found out just over a week ago(by letter) that my case has been dismissed and I'm not allowed to appeal!
I just dont know what to do, I feel like giving up, but I cant cos I love my pets too much. I know my cat would be easy to rehome, but my rats wouldnt be. I cant bear the thought of never seeing her again. From what I've been told(and what I know about my mother), my daughter wont be able to find me once she's old enough to start looking. The reason I held on this long, is that I thought that we would be together again, but now that's not possible, I can't cope. I wish she'd gone into care, I may have been able to see her from day one and even if not, she would be safer than with my mother. Apparently she is acting the same as I did at her age and that really worries me. I wont go into details, but my mother is the reason I have so many problems now.
I feel so angry and I dont know how to release it. I've tried my usual burning and cutting, but they havent worked. I feel like I'm going to explode with rage. All my CPN does is tell me that I need to focus on how far I've come and the changes I had made. What difference does that make? I dont want to get on with my life without my daughter. Out of numerous traumatic things in my life, this is the worst. My CPN has mentioned a few times that she wants me to go back into the pysch ward as she is worried about the amount of damage I'm doing to myself and that I could lose my arm, but I refuse to go. I was there for over a month earlier this year and it was horrible, my special diet wasnt catered for, the beds were too lumpy and the staff shouldnt be working in mental health. The worst was that I was supposed to tell the staff when I felt like SIing, but all they did was either tell me "Go and have a cigarette"(Really helpful when you feel like burning!) or "What do you expect me to do?".
Sorry for the rant, I've never expressed the above to anyone, as I feel I cant talk fully to my workers as they expect me to be happy and still doing well, they dont like it when I try and say how I really feel.
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