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Triggering (Suicide) - am I not allowed to be happy?
I'm so angry with myself and i think with others as well.. well one person in particular.. and i guess.. i need to know if i even have reason to feel this way.
Here is the situation...
On tuesday.. i broke down and got behind the wheel of a car while i was suicidal.. and my one guide leader stoped me and saved me, i told her what was up, i had expressed to many people hthe anger, the fruteration, the lack of respect, hat another at guides had twards myself as well as the girls! not to includ names, she is leader #2., leader #1 is the good one.
i told #1 what #2 had done, all the bad, how i felt and how i was leavinghte le\meeting and that was it, and she knew if she let me go i would have killed myself or at least tried. It has been on going for 2 years but i respect the girls far too much to quit and leave them and the other leader with #2 as i know she would distroy them...
the head to the Girlguides that i am in the ara was called ( i know her well) and she was told she needed to come to the meeting imedimately because i was going ot kill myself.. and no i didnt call.. she got there and i told her everything, thn she called the other leader out and talked to her...
leader 2 cant drive so she told leader 1 i am leaving and said im walking and pulled her daughter behind her... she made her daughter walk home 35 mintues up and down hills becaues the head person talked to er, a talk she well desereved...
I found out today that she tried to kill herself last night after she got home, or so ive been told and its all my fault because i got her kicked out of guiding and i hut her, and it was my fault i was suicidal and she never ever did anything wrong...
she lies so much that i dont know .. if the suicide attempt was real or not, but i do know her children know nothing of it, and she never was taken to the hospital and her husband couldnt have stoped her because he cant walk and is on crutches...
i just dont understand ihave such mixed feelings... i know she lies yet i feel a great amount of guilt twards the situation and what happened because maybe it was my fault.. how do i know.. i just cant dela with it dont know where to turn or what to do and she is hindering my recovery
i go to theaary 4 days a week becauseim trying to get myself out of a hole.. and she goes through my stuff, tals to me liek im child ie bay, yells at me, tells me im wrong, takes my ideas and claims them as hers and gets all the congrats for them, lies to me, like says she called my house to tell me i had to do osomething and she told two leaders, one that she called and another that she droped by and she didnt and me look like a total fool, and has done this to me infront of the parent s of the girl becafore andim very frusterated
she is dragging me down and makes recovery impossible when i see her every week and she seems to put herself in my life and knows far too much about me and tells the whole world , lies about me, reasons for things that arent even the reason just because she thinks she knows.. and now shes not going to work because her doctor told her to take time off cause she tried to kill herself, buit really its becaus she takes the same bus as me inthe moring ans sits her ass downnext to me evryday and talks alll the way into town and i even have gone out of my wayh not to sit iwth her and then she sits with me..
im angry im feeling guily, and im feeling so angry that i just want to bash her too... i have no idea what to do with myself.
Help! please
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