Triggering (SI) - Sitting, staring at screens, and waiting.*poss trig??*
I dont even know if i am posting in the right place..haha
Could anyone help me..or advise me on how i can get some motivation (or my life) back?
It seems now my life consists of sitting, staring at screens, smoking, and waiting for appointments with various people. At least my councilling appointment is tomorrow. I really look forward to these appointments, but there is nothing in between.
I dont go out, i can hardly get up to get a shower, i hardly eat, i hate sleeping, and my room is a health hazard.
Im waiting for my complex needs therapy to start...im failing uni, i dont even have the energy to pass this first year, even if im taking 2 years out, because the voice in my head says im not going to live very long anyway.
Ive been ignoring my mental health, self harm ( i quit...but am starting to wonder if i really did, in my head, i cant get the urges to go away!!!) and general problems for a year, since my dad kicked me out.
Trying to make out to people i can cope, and im better.
Then it all fell on my head like an acme anvil.
Was diagnosed with BPD, but now im not so sure. I want to be assessed.
So here i am, sitting, staring at screens, smoking, and waiting. I am numb.
Is anyone else in the same situation..?
i'm not at uni, but i'm in a similar situation in as much as i have no life, just passing the time til the next appointment. maybe we have to wait and give our hope and motivation a chance to come back, if we can't do it ourselves. well, that's what i tell myself, though i don't know if other people would just say it was shirking the issue. sorry, i am no help at all!
Hey , thank you for your reply, it means so much to me!
Its really difficult waiting, isnt it? Things just have a chance to get worse while you wait...Its just..wehh!
How do you cope at the moment?
xxxxxxx
to be honest, i just avoid thinking about the future, and when things get bigger i tell myself, it won't get worse, it can't! i don't make any promises to myself about staying alive because the pressure would be too much. i haven't been doing schoolwork because again, it would feel like promising a future i'm not capable of delivering.
but i get up every morning to go to church. i think the reason i can do it, is because going one day isn't a promise to go another day. i don't have to worry that i'm 'doing it wrong' or that someone's going to think i'm showing off. no one's going to try to have a conversation with me (something that really stresses me out). i think, there's got to be something good, which you see as having purpose, in your day for you to rely on, outside yourself. i know that the priest will celebrate mass every morning, no matter what i choose to do, and that is a good thing for me to know.
i admit i self-harm everyday but obviously i would urge you not to be tempted to start again, because really it doesn't help, i just tell myself it does. it's not the way other people would like me to cope, but there are times when whatever you are capable of doing to help yourself has to be good enough. don't try to take away from yourself any coping mechanism you already have if you're not strong enough.
i am fortunate my parents make the effort to keep me safe. we need people who can do the things that need to be done when we can't, whether that's cooking, laundry or removing potentially dangerous medications from reach. it's not forever and the motivation has to come back at some point. it's horrible waiting and you want to give up but the emptiness can't last forever, it will lift.
Hey thanks for your replies :)
The appointment was a bit poo, because ... i dont know. Even she admitted she wasnt the right person for me to see, im only seeing her for a couple of weeks, i told her i didnt feel safe but she..i dunno
shes nice, she got me an appointment with a university psychiatrist...i just want to start my therapy in june. I feel so depressed. I cant even wash myself. sounds disgusting. Im living in squalor. I just dont want to do anything or go anywhere when i feel unsafe because i will self harm.
I feel like a bit of an idiot!
Im sorry i probably dont make much sense :(
xxxx
Haha the counciloor just rang me and said i didnt need to see the university psychiatrist because i am in contact with my GP and complex needs.
Wow i just woke up O_O
im sorry that you feel that way. i feel like you too. i can't even shower. i don't have the strength to.
im here if you wanna talk.
Irene
xxx
My RYL family:
I-used-to-be-positive is my big sister razorxkissedxwrists is my mommy alyssa.star is my sister phoenixflames_forever is my cousin concreteangel, helpmydeath, xxbeckyxx and queer fringe are my little sisters bob--says--hi is my twin
Hey guys thank you for your kind replies. Only a few days till i can see teh GP and im safe with my bf at the moment :) Ill speak to you when i get back to oxford xxxxxxxx
Thank you *big huggles to all*
Guys, im really scared. Im going into complex needs in may and it starts with an options group for a month, when you decide if you want to do the full time or part time theraputic community programme. I think i need to go into the full time one. Having stupidly refused IP and this same therapy before in my life, it has gotten to a point where i really do need some help because i just cannot look after myself anymore, and have real problems doing normal day to day tasks and even speaking to people.
But the way it works is that they vote you in to the full time community. I am really REALLy scared. REALLLLYY scared.
I dont know what to do.
I am waiting to see my GP on friday because i want to be assessed. I dont see the complex needs therapists till late may. Gahh im faling apart. Also my bf broke up with me because of my condition. I dont know what to do. It hasnt hit me yet but im afraid it will soon. Im jst so low at the moment.
Sorry
And thank you again for all your wonderful and supportive replies
*BIG HUGS TO EVERYONE*
Christina
xxxxxxxxx
try and relax, push the worries about may away, so they don't take over. maybe tell your doctor on friday how it's stressing you out, so he can maybe give you some advice. whatever happens with complex needs, i'm sure it will be ok in the end, and you'll get the support you need.. i'm sorry your boyfriend broke up with you *hug*
Thank you *hugs* i think its starting to hit me...lol. Delayed reaction much??
Haha.
I will definately tell the doctor everything. Like in my original post, itsjust a matter of waiting...
Guhhh
*hugs* Thank you again
Xxxxxxxxxx
*hug*