I'm not really sure what I'm doing here. I felt compelled to come back. I guess I'm just completing the cycle. I changed my name to keep some annonymity from the people in my life who don't know what's going on with me lately. I cut a week ago, and again yesterday after a long time, maybe a year or more without. It crept up on me and its getting worse, rather than better. Caffeine, drinking, starving/laxatives, cutting, sleeping pills. That's the basics. I know I'm f'ed up. I need professional help. Honestly, I think I'm probably just depressed. I don't know why it's so hard to get well on my own. I'm awful at asking for help, and obtaining help is practically out of the question. I've tried to talk to my husband in the past. He listens for the moment, and doesn't push me hard enough to get real help. Then time passes and we try to forget about it. Ignore the past and it never happened. Like I said, I don't know what I'm doing here. Maybe hoping for a push in the right direction. Maybe just some support. Maybe hope that it doesn't have to be like this forever.
hello and welcome back, first of really well done for the year (or more) without cutting, really be proud and well done, you past the year mark, and though you say its getting worst, everyone has the little slips so please dont be too hard on yourself, well you said asking for help is hard and practically out of the question, can i ask why its out of the question? and you've admitted that you need help and that when you speak to your husband nothing changes, so well done in seeing that cycle, i would say speak to your gp/doctor, feel free to pm me anytime luke
I don't have a gp. That's the biggest issue there. Since we moved here, I haven't seen a doc. My husband constantly is nagging me to go - he thinks that my spine shouldn't be sticking out.. he thinks that it shouldn't be so hard for me to get to sleep.. It's out of the question because of the amount of motivation and energy it would take to go through all the steps. I've come close to getting help once, and it was terribly hard to get that far. I don't have the strength.
As I sit here, I realize that, though, the location has changed, everything else is EXACTLY the same as 4 years ago. I made it through today, the facade I've been portraying held up, even if it's draining on me. One more day till vacation. I can make it.
Thanks for the support. Too often, I overlook the little things. For now, taking care of myself simply means that I will have my cup of coffee in the morning. And that means that I had enough energy to get my chores done since setting up my morning coffee is the last thing I do. Tomorrow, that coffee is going to be the best tasting cup because I will try to remember what it took to get that far.
D
"A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart." - Albert Camus
I really think you should see a doctor. The fact that you don't have the strength means you need help from other people, including a doctor.
I'm sure it did take hard work to get as far as you have. I hope that one day you can make it even further and look back on this as one of your first steps forward.