Triggering (SI/ED) - ?Maybe triggering mainly rant bit graffic?

[thefishgirl]

this is the first itme iv been on the site since it was updated - infact the first time in ages. i use dto SI all the time then i cut down and stopped- i slipped back a few times and although is in my thoughts sometimes i dont. my boyfreind helos, hes amazing - i phoned him one night when id slipped back and cut myself and he had no idea what to do but he was so good. i lvoe him so much i stay clean for him and he stops me feeling so low. recently iv been feeling really fat thou and fatty foods makes me feel really sick. quiet often if iv eaten fatty foods or junk im sick. i dont try really hard to be sick i feel like i need to get rid of it. im not really sick just a mouthful or two and i really dont see it as a problem- im a bit scared it might become one. today has been a crap day. i found out my cat is going to die painfully, my weekend plans are ruined, a family friend died, my boyfriend is ill, and iv just moved back in with my parents which is bad in so many ways. iv cryed alot recently - i dont htink my boyfriend can take much more of me in tears but he will because hes amazing. when i used to SI and when i was stopping and sometime after i cryed nearly everyday. hes stuck by me for 2 years. im 20 now and iv been SI on and off since i was about 14 but iv stopped now - i think about it but theres loads of reasons i dont now. i think i have lost weigh since i startted to be sick, im still quiet fat. 10 stone. supposedly my BMI puts me in the middle of being healthy but i look fat i cant wear my old clothes and i feel fat. i want to lose weight but i cant diet - iv tryed but i just cant and excersie doenst seem to work - i want to lose it fast, i want to feel good about myself and i dont. somethimes i think im just mental, maybe i need help and im just insane. i dont stick my fingers down my throat or anything i jsut have a good gag reflex a can make myself sick just by trying, sometimes when i eat junk i cant help it, i cant keep it in and if i force myself i have to swallow it again which is gross - i think if its come that far i may as well get rid of it, after all thats afew more calories off my wasteline right? i was thinknig about cutting tongiht when i got in but i cant b e bothered with the hastle and stress of covering it up but hopngi someone notices but not my parents and hiding it and regreting it tomorrow. iv got a headache, i think im a littel bit drunk aswell. im sick in the head really - i come 0n ryl sometimes just to see that ppl have it worse than me and remember that things have got so much better than 5 yrs ago. im mental - i have everything - my boyfreind is amazing in everyway and loves me, i have paretns that love me even if they yell at me and critisise constantly, i have enought money to live comfortably, i have freinds, im clever and healthy but yet i get depressed and down. im just a nutter really. i cry too mcuh and i hate myself for donig it. iu want this fat belly to go away anyway i can make it. the thought of fatty food makes me feel ill wen my parents suggested chips for tea tonight i was like NO but we had it anyway and i felt sick, even full fat milk makes me sick but im never sick enough to get rid of all the shit ppl keep feeding me. id stop eating but i cant. i need to go to bed. i sometimes think i need help oterh times i think i need a slap and to get on with my life and stopp bing s o attention seeking. life is good. i know that, but everyone has bad days. today is just one of those days where i feel shite but having written down all my feelings im feeling quuiet a bit better - this works - i forgot how good this site was for jsut talknig out your head. ramblimg on and forgettting why u were wound up in the first place - ican sleep now. cheers,

[fitofdestiny]

Hope you feel better in the morning hon. *hugs* Free free to PM me if you don't and you need to talk.

[[Purple_Rain]]

firstly well done for stopping your SI hun, that is really good. everyone slips up, and you jsut have to move past it and carry on with recovery. sounds simple i know, and i know it isnt, but you can get past this.

hun, being sick after eating is a problem. purgeing is very unhealthy and bad for you, it puts strain on your heart, burns your throat with stomach acid and can lead to all sorts of nasty complications.

im really sorry about your cat and your family freind, i cant imagein how hard both those things must be for you. maybe take a look at the greif and truma support forum > http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...splay.php?f=75 they are very friendly in there and it can really help.

hun, 10 stone isnt fat, especially if it puts you in the middle of the healthy range, that is the perfect place to be. i know its hard, when you get the thought of 'im fat' in your head, to get it out, but hun your not. ask your boyfreind and he will tell you. and i don thtink you need ot worry about him not being able to take much more. he has stuck by you for two years, because he obviously cares about you alot.

please dont compare your problems to other peoples, it is how it affects you that matters, not what happens in comparison to others. depression is a clinical illness and can sometimes be caused by a chemical inbalance in the brain, which means this isnt your fault in any way, and you are not a 'nutter'.

you are nto attention seeking hun, you said yourself that you didnt want to cut so you wouldnt have the hassel of hideing them. if you were attention seeking you would show the whole world, but you dont.

how are you feeling today hun?

PM me anytime

[thefishgirl]

i do feel a bit better today actually. i think yesterday was one of those day id rather just went away. they say bed things come in 3s right but yesterday im sure had more than 3.
i worry too much about everything - really my life is so good, i have things so good. sometimes i thinki should get councilling but most of the time im ok, most of the time im not flipping out its just sometime when i do....
my parents would freak if i tryed to tell them about any of this, if i went for councilling they wouldnt belive i needed it - when i got diagnosed with dslexia they laughed at me and said it wasnt true. they love me they really do but they can be really unhelpful (like the fact my dad calls me fat and my mom brags about being skinnier than me)
i do think about my teeth when im sick and what it does to my throat, it jsut cuz i used to be really skinny - i was an 8-10 and about 9 stone and all of a sudden over one summer i put on weight now im like 10 1/2 stone and a 12 which i know isnt fat but its fat for me... i know im below the national average and im healthy but i want to be thin again - i want to be a 10 again, il never be an 8 again and im ok with that - and im gonna say somehthing that sound so much like someone with and ED but its not... i just want to be a bit thinner then il stop. when i feel good about myself and im having a really good day i dint care, i eat what i like and enjoy it thou i usually feel guily later but when im feeling depressed it doesnt work like that. i havnt got a ED but i do worry i might develop one if i fixate on food as much as i am doing
my boyfreind isnt gonig anywhere, i dont know why but hes not. i dont know what id do without him - he doesnt know about the whole being sick thing. he knows i think im fat and hes always tellnig me im not but he knows iv put on weight as much as i do. i ask him which he prefers and he ssays he really doesnt know he likes me both ways just as much, i think i have lost abit of weight. i guess i should do it the healthy way really, more excercise.
sorry i should bother everyone on here im sure my problems are rather pathetic and i shouldnt blow them out of proportiopn and feel sorry for myself - generally im really happy. i have it all really. im a spoilt only child with a near perfect life and i complain too much. il be ok. im sure i will. if i can kick a cutting problem i can snap out of this phase or what ever it is....
im not depressed i just whine too much i dont have a ED i just over complicate things. my boyfreind has banned me from "unsupervised thinking" - he says when i think too much i get worked up so im not allowed to sit and think on my own anymore cuz thinknig is bad and i jsut end up in a mess! so if i must think he wants to be there to supervise so he can check im thinknig healthy things and talk sense into me - hes good at that. i hope everyone who has problems finds someone (freind parent adult partner) as good at understanding and comforting and talking sense into you, lets face it sometimes we all need a hyperthetical slap in the face and sometimes we jus need a hug.
today i feel much better.
life is goodreally. i must not forget that.
xx

[thefishgirl]

iv just realised - i talk WAY too much!

[fitofdestiny]

Haha. I normally talk to much too darling. It's not usually a bad thing. *hugs* Glad you feel better today.