Hi new here.. sort of been lookin in on this site for a couple of years now but only just joined.. Anyways on topic.. i was at a restaurant a few nights ago and our waitress had scars on her arms i wasnt sure what to do every time she came over they were right in my face.. i cant stop thinkin bout it anyone else had something like this happen to them?? What did you do??
when i used to go to guides one of the young leaders had a lot of scars on her arms which were obviously from self harm. we were doing an activity one day and one of the younger guides quite innocently asked 'what happened to ur arms??'. she really didnt mean to embaress the young leader but she went red and said 'i had a bad accident when i was little and its a long story'. i would never ask anyone about scars unless i knew them particularly well because i would hate anyone to aske me about mine. luckily no one has because last summer there were none on my arms which were noticable and all tthrough winter i have been able to wear jackets to cover them.
hey welcome to RYL! PM me if you ever want to talk!
this has happened to me... well not really happen.... it's AWFUL but i actually scan people's arms HOPING that i'm not alone in SI...
that was before I found this site and realized that many people do it and that i'm definitely not alone...
but what do I do when I see people with scars... i normally feel angry that they do that - because i know how it feels.
then i feel sorry for them
but i never make any actions... just in case there's a reason outside of SI for their scars...
xxxxx
As a little kid you believed in fairytales,
that fantasy of what your life would be: white dress; prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill.
You closed your eyes and had complete and utter faith.
Eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears.
But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairytale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith,
that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.
hey there,
it is perfectly understandable that other people's arms distress you, you understand how badly they are/were hurting and also it probably triggers you slightly.
a way I try and think about it to reduce the trigger factor is if possible to blow it off in my head 'oh that person has scars on their arms, maybe of sh, maybe from an accident-either way it really doesn't matter to me' or if that is impossible try and think ' wow, they must have been really hurting, but as they are old scars they have probably recovered, and that means I can too'.
As others have said, welcome to ryl, and I hope this helps,
Katy
xxx
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
Pity it is only those who have been through it themselves who know not to ask all those evil questions isnt it?
I know a lot of people feel quite a connection with someone when they see SI scars - like that is someone who understands them. For others it reminds them of their past, and the pain those scars caused and find them really triggering.
I think though, whether or not you self harmed yourself before, the rule should always be 'never ask/comment' - unless you know them well, or know them mediumly well and new scars keep appearing (then they might really need someone to make them step for them) - it just isnt worth putting someone in that horrible situation of confrontation...
I usually look at other peoples arms to see if they have any scars... I know that other people do it but its kinda to see if someone else in my area does it... I know weird. But I never ask if I do see scars on someone else because my aunt asked me about my scars and I know how nerve racking it is.... but yea I usually look....
Big Sister:Squiggles Little Sister: PaintItBlack Cousins: dereksarah, Hollz
I do that too. I mean looking at other peoples arms. I'd never ask unless I knew them well enough though because someone at work asked me about mine once and I was scared because I couldn't think of an excuse so yeah I'd never ask
I scan people's wrists for scars...
When I notice that someone has SI-like scars if it's someone I know, I sometimes hold my arms in a way that makes my scars more easily visible, just in case they might like to talk about it.
I remember being on the bus once with my friend, and there was a girl with pretty bad scars all up her arm, and my friend was whispering to me "Look at her ARMS! Look! That's gross!" It was a really strange moment, and it stuck with me, and I felt sort of bad for the girl and sort of admiring at the same time, because she seemed brave about it.
I saw a girl at my school the other day with some scars on her arm and I realised that when I see scars on other people, I really stare. They must think I'm a bitch. I try to convey some sort of empathy but I'm not too good at body language like that. I'm pretty sure I just come across as insensitive and rude. But I can't help staring. It's kind of embarassing.
I would never ever try to speak to someone about it, though, because I'd never want someone to bring it up with me, even if they did understand.
well, i have sown untidy furrows 'cross my soul,
but I am still a coward,
content to see my garden grow so sweet & full
of someone else's flowers.
There is a girl at my work with SI scars and when I first saw them they really triggered me but now I have sort of got more used to them. When she kept coming into work though with burns from something really obvious I pulled her aside and asked if she wanted to talk.
I found it hard when I went to uni and one of my flatmates had SI scars but he brought up the subject first, about 3 months after I met him and that was ok. It was sort of nice to have someone who knew what I was going through. When I do see someone with SI scars I always feel like a connection with them and I really want to talk to them about it but I never do if it's a stranger because I know how much I hate people asking about my old scars.
The only scars on other people that I've seen bared was on one friend, and I didn't comment.
I, on the other hand, have had people commenting on mine, on the rare occasions when I felt brave enough to walk around in public in a tshirt with no armwarmers, ranging from 'oh no, when did you do that?' in a sympathetic (but still annoying) kind of way to 'what're those scratches on your arms?'
I've got a close friend with scars up her arm. She doesn't SH any more and for as long as I've known she's worn short sleeves and stuff. At first I just kind of felt that something must have really hurt for her to do that (I hadn't SHd back then though I had really wanted to for years but never connected my thoughts/feelings as being anything like what hers must've been even though they were the same. As we'd just started uni loads of new people saw them at once and as far as I know no-one mentioned them. I know people mention them/judge her now because she mentioned it to me the other month but hers have never triggered me or made me feel strange; it's part of her and I admire her for having the strength to wear what she wants. However, I was once on a crammed bus and a lad was stood next to me with cuts up his arm and that made me feel a bit funny and I did feel myself staring a bit which I hated and felt really guilty for but I couldn't help it.
I however don't show my scars; they can be very easily hidden as they aren't on my arms and I am scared of what people will see. People at the hospital have all sen though and they did all think I was a bit messed up and last time I went I could sense 2 out of the 3 people in the room with me staring at them (1 had already seen them before) and I hated it and don't intend to show them in public any time soon so I admire anyone that does. It must take a lot of strength.
Yeh.. I went out today for the 1st time since I started to SI in a 3/4 length sleeve top... i have drk red/purple scars all up my left arm and some on my right.. as well as huge ones over 1cm wide on my wrists... (and that was after stitches >.<) I got some verry verrry odd looks.. but people didn't react too badly... It was so scary tho.. I was shaking like a leaf all the time!!!
~~I'm FINE...on the outside~~
~~Beneath the surface lies a shattered heart and an exhausted soul, simply longing... just longing to be whole~~
That is really brave of you to go out and wear a shirt that shows some of your scars. Im going to my school prom in two weeks, and only 2 of the 14 people im going with know about my SI. Im terrified to have people see my scars all over my left arm. But i dont want to let it ruin my school dance
Pity it is only those who have been through it themselves who know not to ask all those evil questions isnt it?
very true, Harley,
I wouldn't comment unless I really knew them and thought they would appreciate having someone to talk to.
There's this girl in college, well she's in like a group of students with special needs/behavioral problems. And she has really big, deep scars all over both her arms, from self harm.
-She really triggers me...I passed her on Friday and she was just stood there and you can't help but look as you walk past...(I didn't stare), and I really felt like crying, just because it makes me feel so sad.
But she doesn't seem to care (I'm not sure she's fully aware of people looking though) - she's always in short sleeves and laughing with the rest of the group. I've never seen her alone though, always with an adult, so I think things are quite bad for her.
And I understand completely about looking at other peoples' arms and wrists...I do that - and similarly - look at thinner people...wondering whether they have an ED or not.
ever since i started SIing i actually have been searching other people's arms for cuts and scars, because it makes me feel like if i find someone else i am not alone. one of my friends SI's sometimes and she doesnt hide her scars at all she is extremely open about all of it and her scars trigger me, and it annoys me because she knows i SI and she continues to show off her scars.
i would never ask someone straight up if the cut, but most of the time i can tell if they are SI marks or not. my other friend who used to SI saw my arm and immeditly knew what it was.
and its a hard thing to feel confident enough to show your scars bc i only just started wearing short sleeves and even though my scars arent that bad i still kinda hide my arm.
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Hey thanx for the replys.. Its probably realy good that i didnt say anything cause i no how it would feel if someone was asking me but i just really wanted to.. i just felt connected.. and now i cant stop checkin everybodies arms for scars its good to no im not the only one who does that
I've had a situation similar to that. I was in IOP (intensive outpatient therapy) and there was another girl that had just recently joined the group. I noticed one day that I could see white cloth sticking out from under the cuff of her shirt, and at one point she moved her arm and I could see fresh bandaids over cuts. Well, you're not allowed to bring up self harm during group, in case it triggers someone, so I didn't say anything.
I've had people notice my scars and cuts and ask me about it. Most people think I just got into a fight with a cat or they don't ask at all.
I'm so sick and tired of the taste of tears the sting of pain the smell of fear the sounds of crying
-Voltaire "Feathery Wings"
you are all saying about scanning peoples arms and stuff to check for SI scars. i do that as well to the point where it has become a bit of an obsession. when i meet someone new i tend to scan there arms before i look at there face. i guess im hoping that someday i will find someone like me although i havnt yet and i have no idea what i would say if i did. i almost feel disappointed when i look at someones arms and see that there clear, i think im just so desperate for someone in my life that i can relate to really. i know that sounds really selfish. And when i do scan others arms and i notice just one little scratch i start analysing how it got there.
and what iwanttobreakfree was saying about the special needs girl, theres a girl in my form at school who has quite bad special needs... she disclosed to me that she was sexually abused as a younger child and me and some friends were sitting on the grass last summer when she came over to us (i sort of keep an eye on her coz she gets bullied alot and she comes to me to talk) and she asked if any of us had a knife because she wanted to cut her arms all open. i was really shocked and asked her if shed been hurting herself before and she showed me some very small marks on her that she sed she had done with a fork. they hadnt even broken the skin but i was still shocked that someone else in my life was doing what i was doing. altho i cant really talk to her on that level because of her special needs and also because i know i have the potential to make her self harming alot worse then she already is.
Im kinda stuck atm.
