Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - ok...so ive lost my effing mind!!!!!

[pea soup]

just realized that i missed my med appt. today.
that has proven to be reason enough for a complete mental meltdown.
i cant trust myself to remember a damn thing anymore.
i THOUGHT FOR SURE my appt. was friday.....but NOPE!!!!!
so now...i have to figure out how to go about getting my meds before the weekend. just great.

im having some really strong urges to just do ANYTHING right now.
i mean anything.
to quieten my brain. to give me silence...refuge...peace..calm.
i need something really sharp.....but i dont have anything but really dull!!!!

AND my brother has been atrocious to me lately and i found out why today.
my mother asked him and he said that im on disability and dont have to do anything. HE wants disability too!!!!
W T F !!!!!

ok.....i'll jump right in his shoes and he can jump right in mine!!!!
let HIM deal with the nightmares of our father!!!!
let HIM deal with the flashbacks!!!!!
let HIM deal with losing his son!!!!!
let HIM deal with EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THEN and only THEN is he allowed to judge me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am livid.
im ****ing upset.
ive covered for this whole god damn family my whole life and im coming apart at the edges.
im losing control.

and at times like these...i think murdering my father would make me feel much better. sick you say???? maybe. yeah...i AM sick!!!!

[Ileana]

You're hurt, not sick. Just hurt...not sick the way you meant it. Murdering your father won't help you get rid of the nightmares, in fact, it may give you new ones. Yeah, he probably deserves it, most likely, but you don't deserve to go to jail for it or to carry around the thought of having done that for even murdering a bastard can **** you up mentaly. Revenge is not sweet, it'll get you nothing but more troubles.
You're better off trying to take care of yourself, instead of hurting him.
As for the meds, don't despair, you'll get them...and forgeting things, it happens to the best of us.
Hope you feel better soon.

[HappyFeet]

In March, I forgot about my doctor's appointment. I didn't remember until I got an official letter saying that I'd missed an appointment. I was having a similar reaction and someone said, "it happens to the best of us." We all forget stuff. We all have other stuff on our minds. Hurting yourself won't take you back in time so you can go.

As for your brother, what he said was really hurtful, but did he intend it to be that way? It sounded to me more like thoughtlessness and immaturity, and like he was whining about having to get a job. That's what little brothers do. When I got home, mine complained about me not having to get a summer job (I'm looking for a full-time job). However, it was more a function of him not wanting to work and deflecting onto me. So, he's acting like a twit. There's not much you can do about it but hope he grows up faster:(

[pea soup]

thanks guys...
the doc situation has been taken care of....i rescheduled my appt. for tomorrow and luckily she had an opening. so everything is good there.

as for my brother....ive just been staying out of his way. he doesnt even speak to me anymore. it is unbelievably hurtful to me. this is the kid that i helped raise. i was 12 when he was born. i changed diapers and fed him and bathed him...rocked him to sleep. he could have been my own. and for him to turn on me this way is torturous. im hoping that its just a phase and he'll come out of it.

thanks again.
much love.
xx

[Margo]

I know it must be hard but try to remember hes still VERY MUCH still a kid! Kids say stupid things. Its a throw away remark.

Be kind to yourself

Matthew xxx