Triggering (SI) - ugh! distractors are not working right now

[Lord Gloom]

i am really wanting to hurt myself right now. whew....

there's just some stuff i can stop thinking about and it's really upsetting me (see rants for further info). i don't understand why i befriended a couple of girls since coming to college that seem to think that not only am i gay, but proceed to lecture me that i need to experiment. i know who i am and what i like, why can't people just take me for that. it's bad enough to have girls think that and have to shut them down, but it's worse when they don't get the blunt "don't touch me" and i have to stop being friends with them because i am uncomfortable. it's even worse when my own damn family has to make comments including my mother telling family members that i am trying to attract the girls.

part of me then has to ask what is it that others are seeing that i'm not? am i really gay and suppressing it? then i do some deep soul searching and no. i don't lean that way. then i get worried because if i'm giving off signals that i don't know about then maybe that's why i don't have guys coming after me. i mean there's been a couple throughout the past, but i'm not some avid dater and never been in a long term relationship.

ok, so i'm not a girly girl. i only wear makeup on those special occasions. i wear the cute skirts almost never, and i would not be caught dead in pink. i am an athlete who has to run from workouts to class to practice so typically i have the hair in a ponytail and i'm wearing sweats and a t. i don't do the club scene because i don't have the time or money for it. then i think, yeah i can change some things about myself, maybe dress up a little more often or whatever and be more girly. but i also feel like i shouldn't go out of my way to try to be someone i'm not and i want to find a guy who likes me for me.

i don't know... i'm trying to clean the house but i can't get my head off of things. the person i usually call for support is at a graduation that i can't interrupt, and what's keeping me from acting on anything is that my mom is visiting this weekend with her sister. i'm feeling pretty low right now. violated, sad, angry, ugly, hurt, and worried. bleh i want to puke from stress

[Lord Gloom]

i did. burned myself just a little, but it looks like i'm going to have a blister. and i don't feel any better. i feel worse because it's like i opened the flood gates and need more. more than i was craving. 4 months down the stinking drain. the only thought that is keeping me from just going all out like i used to was that i have family coming this weekend.... ****

[OneLonelyTree]

Oh sweetie i'm so sorry i didnt get to your thread sooner!!! I wish i had...dont worry what other people think of you. i know its hard(people think the same thing about me sometimes). Some of my friends have actually even told me they thought i was gay. but dont let it effect you. when all is said and done what other people think really doesnt matter. it what you think of yourself thats important! it sounds lame and i'm sorry but its the truth and its something i'm constantly relearning. other people suck sometimes but you cant let that rule you. and you cant let it influence you to the point on SI-ing. pm me the next time you feel like injuring!! we can chat!

Izzy

[fitofdestiny]

Oh hon. *hugs* You are right. You need a guy who will accept you and like you the way you are. And you know what? You'll find him. There's nothing wrong with you honey. Just apparently the people you hang out with *big hug* Please be careful honey. Isn't there something you can do to distract you? Perhaps go for a run or cook or something?