What to do...

[Wanderer]

...when nothing feels real any more?

Been through hating myself, then hating the hating, then getting tired and numbing my emotions and not caring, to caring again and now not knowing what to feel or not feel.

I assume I have AVPD but self-diagnosed so can't be certain. Tried to fix myself with logic and positive thinking, that didn't work.

Ironically pessimism is what held me back from suicide. If things can only get worse, and hell either exists or doesn't, then the likelihood is suicide will land you there and you'll have escaped nothing. So I stick with one pointless and empty existance to avoid another.

I can't be close to anyone, because they can never care about me. I can't be comfortable with myself. I can't cry. Tried talking to people once or twice including on forums, but I close up. So really...I'm not sure why I'm posting this.

How can you escape your own thoughts?

[tamobhuuta]

i don't know, i wish i did. have you ever spoken to a doctor about it?

[Wanderer]

No, I can't bring myself to go to a doctor. I barely leave the house as it is.

[dark_light]

I think if you can bring yourself to, talking to a doctor might be a good idea. As you said you have self diagnosed and a doctor may have another opinion or some way of helping that you haven't considered. You certainly don't deserve to continue feeling like this, which is likely to happen if you don't ask for some help.
People on ryl care and i'd give chattting to people here another go, you don't have to tell them all the details you can just talk to people and that can help you to feel less alone.
Feel free to pm me if you want to talk about anthing
Jo xx

[Stellata]

You can't escape your thoughts. But you can start to reflect and explore how you came to think this way.