Finding everything so hard

[Kelly.]

I posted a thread on Monday in the Serious forum but only got 2 replies and feel like I really could do with some help right now.

To be honest I don't really know why I'm feeling bad, nothing had happened. But for a while now I've just felt so bad. It's such a struggle getting up in the morning because I feel so sick of everything. Then it's like through the afternoon I'm counting down the hours till I can go to bed then I don't have to think about things. Then I wake up and it starts all over again.

I think I've lost all my friends. I've never really had all that many friends but it hasn't bothered me all that much because I've always felt like the friends I do have care for me and I always had someone to turn to when I felt like things were bad. But I haven't really talked to any of my friends in months. I've tried contacting them but I never get a reply. They can't be arsed anymore, I'm sure. There's only my best mate. But at the moment she's not well. Don't want to go into details because it feels like if I do she'll find me on here. But the illness she has is very unpredictable. And this week it's got worse. So I don't want to burden her with my problems because it's like everything I'm feeling is nothing compaired to what she's going through. And I know if I really did want to talk she'd be there but... arghhh. Then I'm worried about her. She says she doesn't want to talk about her illness but then I feel like a crap friend for not trying to talk to her. Then when I try to I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

It's like there's all these thoughts swimming round in my head and I feel like I'm going to explode.

I feel like I don't have the energy to do anything I used to love. I really should get a job. I'm sick of sitting around doing nothing all the time. But everything's getting to me so much I don't even have the energy to apply for jobs, I'm not sure I'd be able to cope with one anyway. And I don't know what to do about that.

Hmm not really sure what I'm asking for. Meh, maybe I'm just over reacting to everything, I know I could have a much worse life but... just really do wish I felt a bit happier right now, sick of waking up every morning feeling this way

I'd really appreciate any advice or whatever but anyway it's made me feel a bit better getting that off my chest.

[deadstar]

Hey sweetie
Are you getting any help at all at the moment? It sounds as though you want to talk about how you are feeling- could you maybe speak to the GP and see if they could arrange some counscelling or other support for you if you're not allready getting any?

Is there anything you could do to get out of the house that would be less stressful than getting a job? I volunteered at a dog rescue for a while which was great because i could just turn up when i felt like it with no obligations and it made me feel good because it kept my mind off things aswell as making me feel like a good person because the dogs loved seeing me and i was doing something for someone else. Could you do something like that?

I'm sorry i'm not much help, but i'm always here if you want to talk xxx

[Silver Phoenix]

Heya,

Firstly with regards to you friend and talking to her about her illness could just say to her that your there if she wants to talk about it but if she doesn't you understand?

Also I agree with Deadstar, is there someone you can talk to about things if your not already? I think volunteering if you can't face a job is a good idea as well. Or what about just getting out of the house and going for a walk or something? Are there any quiet park or something near you that you could go to and sit there for a bit? Listen to your MP3 player/Ipod if you have one or read a book or do something that you enjoy?

Hope some of that helps, feel free to PM me if you wanna chat
xx

[Jellihejj]

are you into crafts at all? you could try doing things like hama/perler beads (trust me it consumes a lot of time) or mess about with fimo/ploymer clay (the kneading of it also helps release endorphines (sp?) which means it it helps relieve tension) or you could try sketching (even if you think you're not that good at it, drawing up feelings and stuff helps sort your head out a bit)

also, with these things you could make little gifts for your friend, so you both know you're there for her.... that's just a suggestion and i don't want to seem imposing.

as suggested previously, you could go for a walk. just daydream and take in everything around you. that helps me a lot.

hope that's helped a little bit


Amy :)

[Kelly.]

Thanks for the replies.

No, I'm not getting any help and never have had any. I probably should ask for some but it's like I just want to carry on as normal and not admit there's something wrong. I manage to keep everything hidden so well, I wouldn't like it getting out and people thinking differently of me, I don't want things to change just because I get help or something. I have tried talking to my parents about it but they seem to think because nothing really bad has happened right now, everything that has happened was in the future, I should just be able to put it all behind me and get on with everything without making such a big deal over things. They probably are right. Last Friday I tried telling my mum how I was feeling but it just ended in a huge argument and I spent the next few hours in my room feeling worse than before I'd tried to talk, just seems kinda pointless.

But then I start to feel so bad it's like I can hardly talk without crying. It's awful. Just feel like such a pathetic loser that no one wants to know. Feel like the people who do talk to me are just trying to be nice. And deep down I know it's not true but the paranoia takes over and I can't get that thought out my head that I've done something wrong, something that's made me feel this way and maybe I deserve it and I'm being punished for something.

I'm trying so hard to find things to focus on and stay positive for, I really am. Like in June me and my best mate are going away. It's like thinking about that is all that's keeping me going at the moment. But then what happens when that's over? I'm back to the arghhh doom feeling.

I used to draw and make things. Good idea But my concentration seems to be so bad at the moment, it's hard to focus on things like that. I've tried reading which helps for a while but then I get tired which makes it hard to keep reading, my eyes get sore.

Hmm sorry, I'm just going on and feeling sorry for myself now. Ramble over.

[Silver Phoenix]

I know it can be hard to admit there is something wrong it took me years and when I finally got the help it was worth it, it could be something to think about? People that knew I was having counselling and about my problems but I only told a few people. The rest still don't know about it. So if you do decide to talk to someone then the only people that have to know are people you feel you can confide in about it (unless your under 16 I think it is and your parents might have to know). Yes the things might be in the past but that doesn't stop them hurting or upsetting you. Problems from over 10 years ago still affect me!! Somethings are easier to get over than others, some take a few months some can take years. Everybody has there own reasons for things affecting them and things affect people in different ways so I wouldn't worry to much about that. What help me to get over things the most was talking about them and working through them.

As for trying to focus and stay positive after your holiday what about looking back on it and thinking what a great holiday it was and enjoy all the memories? Maybe make something arty out of photos you took on holiday?

[Kelly.]

I just don't like the thought of having people think differently of me if I do ever get help because at the moment no one even knows how crap I feel sometimes. I'm not sure I'd want them to. Feel so sick of going around feeling like everyones able to be happy and not feel crap like I do, why can't I just be like that? I shouldn't be so negative about everything. It feels like I'm constantly waiting for something terrible to happen. I don't want to feel like this but I can't do anything to make that feeling go away.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to our holiday, counting down the days! Can't wait to get away from home for a bit too. But I'm dreading that being over, nothing to look forward to again. Don't like the lonely horrible feeling at all.

I tried to have a chat with my mum about it Friday. But it's like my dad won't let us talk together. I don't mind him getting involved if he'd just listen. But he doesn't. He goes off on one and assumes it's simple to just switch off the bad feelings and goes on about how "everyone gets down days" then he gets angry. It's like they really aren't trying to understand why I feel like this then the conversation ends before I even get to explain. I'm sick of it.

Now I really do sound so pathetic. I really should just be able to control the way I feel.

Argh this has been for a week now. I don't usually feel like this for so long

[joyous broken thing]

*hugs*
essentially i agree with what has already been said.
it is incredibly difficult to admit to having problems, but ultimately its even harder constantly trying to cover them up.
and lets face it,parents don't really know how to respond to lots of things because they're only human too, generally they want whats best for you.
take care and pm me if you want to chat or whatever x