i signed myself out.
ive had enough.
im lower than ive been for a long time.
i cant justify accepting treatment when i have spent so long trying to kill myself.
i dont want help.
i dont want anything.
anything i could want is impossible to get now
all i can think of is how mental illness has ruined everything and just when i fully intended to get back on track physical illness has ruined everything.
f*ck it
ive had enough
what will be will be
xxxlily
If you werent poorly you wouldnt have tried to harm yourself so much in the past. Its not your fault you are poorly. So therefore you have done nothign wrong.
Take the treatment.
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
oh and to top it off i got a letter from uni saying they had withdrawn my application! i wrote to them to defer my application as i was hving chemo etc but they didnt get my letter, said i missed my interview and withdrew me!!!!!! ok so i couldnt go anyway but it thrust a nail right through my heart to see it in writing. i have always been nothing and now its never going to change. i only ever wanted to be SOMETHING. anything but this.
Get the hospital to write a letter and the uni has to accept it. They can't justify withdrawing you if you have freaking proof!
And nothing will change. That's right. Unless you're willing to put in the hard work to do it. You've gotten this far, you're alive. But to stay alive you need to get the treatment. Don't run away from it. Stand up to it and fight! you deserve to live. You deserve to get help. you deserve to be yOU!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
you have got to fight to get better mentally and physically, sometimes recovering form depression, selfharm etc requires treatment that we have to accept.
you have a right to fight any kind of illness, it does not belong in your body, you have the right to a happy carefree life.
i saw something on thismorning about photodynamic therapy. they inject chlorophyll (i think) and then you have 2 short light treatments and when its finished everything cancerous is gone. a girl had a tumour in between her two arm bones and it grew into her bones too.
have a look on google. it might be worth looking into. apparently they can use it for breast cancer too.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Oh lily, take a break, but please dont give up. You deserve to be well and to have that happiness form download everyday...you are stronger than you realize.
Please try to fight this. Take a break for a bit, and hten fight like hell luv
its too much, its too hard. even coming in here. i entered a conversation and ended up being attacked for it. i might just stay away for a while. i havent the energy to fight something i thought was a safe place
xxx
Pls dont let what someone said keep you from helping yourslef..yes it was cruel..but you know what lily? I beleive yo uare better than them. I know many here will agree.
I know it seems such a hard fight..but i also know you have fought harder and won..pls use us for support during this hell you are in..we want to and you deserve it
oh rompy, *sigh*
i just dont think i can do this.
i wanted to die for so long and now...
well now is my chance. its like i made a deal with the devil you know?
now that i dont want it it is like someone is laughing in my head saying well you should have watched what you wish for
dear lily, i do understand some of how you feel...i wont say 'all' becaus ei havent been in that situation with all you are faced. I think quite likely i would feel as you do...
but since i'm on the outside i can also see that maybe you are accepting this illness and not fighting it because of that wish to die...in a way it would alleviate the guilt wouldn't it? make it easier than a straight suicide. But we both know that is what it is...
I'll be totally selfish here and say i dont want to lose you...i'm just getting to know you and just want to become better frineds...i dont want to lose you.
You are very special.
You have a hell of a ight ahead of you luv, i wont mince words on that...you know its true
but i also know you CAN beat it and get thru this.
It's not fair yo ushould have to, not in the least...but i still know and believe you will
i'm always here for you luv
Lily darling, I wish there was something I could do. I know we don't really know each other but I've been keeping an eye on your posts and my heart goes out to you. I was never close to the end when I had cancer but I know how scary and hopeless it all feels. I also felt like I'd brought it onto myself for wanting to die for so long. But you wanting to die in the past doesn't mean that's why you've got it now. Don't give up hope sweetie. Please keep fighting. Don't let the evil disease win. I know how it feels to just want to stop fighting it, you feel like you have no strength left, but you're a strong person for coming this far. I'm sending you some of my strength to help you keep fighting. If you ever want to talk, I'm here.
Take care sweetie and I'm sending you lots of luck, hugs and strength xxx
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
romp you are right as always, it is just me trying a difficult way to make things easier(?) i guess it would technically be easier to fight it but i just cant see that yet. oh i dont know my head is all over the place, with this an all the stuff it brings back to the surface. i havent si'd in over 4 months as it seemed pointless now but lately its all i can think of. any vice i ever had has reared its ugly head again and its worse now as i have stronger medication around the house. i just dont know how long i can do this for. they wont treat me anyway till i start putting weight on but i cant do that either. im in such a mess and i just want it to all stop now please?
lily if i could do anything to make it stop i would in a minute.
i cant imagine how scared and tired youfeel...it must be so terribly frightening...im soooo sorry.
Keep talking with your gf and let her help and support you.
Have they offered any counselling with this? any groups? If not , ask.
If you cant fight fo ryou right do it for your gf and your life together, until you can do it for you..
and pls hunni, never ever hesistate if you need to talk or need somethihng okay?
love you
romp
in a way it sounds like you think you're supposed to die... you say that you've wanted to die for so long and you guess this is the time... you don't sound very confident. I'm guessing that' your just scared and alone. *hugs* you're never going to be alone. If people are going to fight with you, tell 'em to go soak their heads, and come in here and talk to us! ('Cause we rock...:D) please don't give up! please!!!!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
you made a deal with the devil, be careful what you wish for..... and then she woke up!
you need so turn off and switch back on and see clearly, think what this is doing to your family and gf, i know i dont want to see you ill and i have so much to talk to you about, its not time to say goodbye yet. mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
