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The holiday party (contains a tiny bit of choice language)
The following is what happened last year when a certain company tried to organise a christmas party. Please read from the top down.
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Subject: Christmas Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room
at Amici's.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts
among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering
is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
********************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 23, 2007
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not
Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols
sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy
now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
***********************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 23, 2007
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table .. you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are
allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE
ALLOWED.
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Amici's can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little
foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be
flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no
cross-dressing allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for
those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: November 26, 2007
RE: The F****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going
to keep this party at Amici whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice
them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all
have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
*********************************************
FROM: Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 26, 2007
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
speedy recovery in rehab and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone
the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
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