Triggering (SI/ED) - *cries* I'm falling again... (also in Vets)

BatRachy · 13-06-2007, 03:39 PM

Fuck it.
I've gained weight. Bollocks to trying to be ''good'' (whatever good is). I'm weighing myself, I'm going back on the diet pills, and laxatives, and I sooooo need to cut. I haven't done any of these things since January. I should be proud I should be positive. But no. I'm getting worse and worse. Every day I feel awful again. Everyday I catch a glimse of the fat, the bulging stomach, the wobbling legs, the flabby face.
Everyday I fight against the voices that no one know I hear, everyday I want to rip and tear and destroy myself. Every day I wonder why it all feels so normal. Why it all feels so perfectly normal. It felt abnormal when I wasn't craving diet pills, when I could walk past my scales without getting on them incase that run up the stairs helped me lose a bit more weight. It felt strange not worrying about who saw my arms, it felt odd not having that sting under my sleeves from open wounds...

The nightmares/flashbacks/voices plague me every day. The collection of tablets and stuff cry out to me. My hands itch to get money out (actually, NatWest's money out - my overdraft is being stretched) to buy as much cocaine that I have money for, I want to smoke all the incredibly potent weed we have upstiars, I want to go to the corner shop and buy vodka and any other alcohol I can manage to afford. I wanto to pull my Venus razor blades apart and play with the little tiny, but very sharp blades that I get... ripping myself apart... I want to purge, I want to cry and scream and cut myself to pieces...

Sorry this is such a rant, just need replies/help/support. Should I get an appointment at the doctors? I'm recieving no help apart from being on Efexor XL (150mg a day). This isn't depression. I've never been given a diagnosis, not since I was 15 and was first dragged to the doctors after being found to be self harming... Voices, major mood swings, major cravings for drugs etc... It just doesnt fit in, it's like no one cares...

I don't want anything serious to happen, I love my job, I CANNOT lose it, I CANNOT have them finding out I'm getting worse...

Lord Gloom · 13-06-2007, 03:47 PM

hey, stay in there. resisting temptation is hard, really hard. set some little goals for yourself time wise. if the feelings are really strong right now, tell yourself you need a night to sleep on it first and commit to that. i often find that something has triggered a strong response but if i put time between action i don't feel the need as much later and it's easier to resist. hang in there. you can do it.

BatRachy · 13-06-2007, 04:10 PM

Thanks :) I should know by now that sleeping on these things works. 6 years I've been like this, I should know by now, but still I never learn. I'm going to spend the evening filming my gecko running around on my bed. Just need to stay safe till it's dark and she's awake... So many temptations :-/ Trying to persuade a friend to come to the pub with me for a chat this afternoon, but he's busy and there's no one else apart from him and my boyfriend (who is at work and then has to go to his house tonight) who I feel comfortable around when I feel like this really.

I feel so awful :(

magic_heart · 13-06-2007, 04:35 PM

Hang in there sweetheart, you have done so well, managing since January. Even though you don't know me I am so proud of you, you have done so well, you are incredible. x x x

craola · 14-06-2007, 02:10 PM

Rach hun, stopping all those things since January is amazing.
Really amazing, I understand how hard it is for you to be proud, but I am and it really is an incredible achievement.
I've seen pictures of you and you are beautiful, and thin. I know me saying that wont change what you think, but its true, and you have absoloutley no need for laxatives or diet pills or anything. Keep fighting and believe what other people say, what we see is whats real.

You need to go to your GP and demand more support, sticking on Effexor is not the way to fix things. It may be that you dont have 'a diagnosis', it may be that you suffer from a mixture of things either way they should give you coping methods, ways to deal with the flashbacks and voices. Demand it from them, you deserve help and it sounds like you're not getting it.

Take care of yourself hun,
poke me if you ever need to talk.
Aimee xx