Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - I tried to be perfect, it just wasn't worth it.
Song lyrics as a title because I can't think of another one.
I'm writing this, and I don't even really know why I am. I mean, there's nothing wrong as such. I'm not being raped, I'm not cutting myself & I'm very rarely hurting myself full stop. I'm not abusing alcohol, I'm not popping pills, I'm not really doing anything bad. I don't even feel depressed as such. But I know that something's not right. I don't know what, and it's so frustrating. Anyway, I have an exam tomorrow, and I thought I'd try and just talk to try to get some of this out so that hopefully my head's a bit clearer.
All my thoughts are really jumbled at the moment. I normally don't cry, but teeny little things are making me start now. And big things are making me cry for a day, on and off. I feel like a bit of an emotional wreck.
I've lost my purse (I think) and the money my dad left me to pay the guy that works for us. I'm quite scared of what he (my dad) is going to do to me when he gets home. As well as being upset because that's my driving licence lost, £45, student rail card (that I'm going to have to pay £5 to replace), £20 of HMV vouchers and sentimental stuff too - a train ticket from Cambridge to my house that makes me smile every time I look at it because I had such an awesome time that weekend.
I have exams, starting tomorrow. I want to get 2 As and a B. I know that anything less than that is not my full potential. But I just can't concentrate. I'm not worried enough to pull out all the stops and just ****ing revise yet either.
After my exams I go and work at Wimbledon for the tennis for a fortnight. I'm really looking forward to it, as being an ice cream vendor's got to be a right laugh and I'll get some dosh for the summer when I come back from holiday. But someone I really don't like is also working there - in a totally seperate bit - I probably won't see him, but I'm still kinda worried/nervous. I'll see him on Saturday 23rd June, at around 9 in the morning, if not before, and I'm shitting myself.
I'm depersonalising quite a bit too. Or at least I think it's depersonalisation. It scares me a bit because it happens when I'm driving too and it's like I can't concentrate or focus properly.
I'm having bad dreams. I don't know if they're nightmares or anything, but they're not nice. Some reliving things from my past, others in future scenarios. A lot about the crash still. Cept I'm always the one that crashes into me. Or runs over one of my mates, killing him. Actually, some times its the driver that crashed into me crashing into that mate.
Looking back at that, maybe there's more wrong than I thought.
Last edited by Queen Crabbit : 13-06-2007 at 07:27 PM.
Not sure what to say to you Chels, I understand perfectly what you are feeling (except I dont get to go and eat free icecream at wimbledon! :P) which is probably why I am being so crap at giving advice. Are you working there with any friends that you could stick with to avoid this guy?
The stress of exams is probably really not helping either but in a few weeks they will be over and then just have the 16th August to look forward to eh? AAB would be fantastic but if you didn't get it, it isn't the end of the world because in a few years time these exams will not matter (although I appreciate that is no consolation atm)
Your purse getting stolen is rather **** (some bastard knicked mine couple of weeks ago too!). Presumably you cancelled all your cards etc? If you check with your bank some banks cover you for that sort of thing and costs arising from it i.e money in purse, replacing things etc. (HSBC for one although you are supposed to be signed up to it I think). I know it can't make up for losing the ticket from Cambridge but you will have new things to make you smile that you can put in your purse :)
ooooohhhh I didn't mean to make you cry (if you were talking to me...if not *looks around as I wander off whistling *). If you lost it....then....ummm get a new one and glue it to your person so it doesn't happen again.
P.S Bring me back icecream from Wimbledon as a souvenir
where could you have possibly left it? in the house? try and remember the last time you had it. check under papers and in places you disregarded as obvious. itll be around somewhere, try not to panic.
if you cant find it in time try and put it out of your mind long enough to revise, you need to try and do that.
i wish i could help, it sounds like youre just really really stressed out atm. exams should be banned, and anyone that tries to give them murderd!
The last time I had it was in the petrol station. I then threw it in the car (I think, and the person that I was with at the time confirmed it), got home, burst into tears, went and dropped off the person I was with at the station, still crying, drove home, still crying, came back and repeatedly hurt myself.
So I wasn't really in the kind of mood to wonder where it was at the time.
*). If you lost it....then....ummm get a new one and glue it to your person so it doesn't happen again. .gif "thumb")
