something i dont know all that much about, grief.
ive never lost that many people, let alone in this form.
ive recently returned from a holiday only to find an email from a friend, saying goodbye. i know... knew.. her in person. after reading her email, i rang her mum, who didnt say anything, she just cried. she didnt NEED to say anything. shes gone. and im not going to say how or anything like that, the trigger label says it all. i cant even bring myself to say it.
she had been hospitalized not long back after a suicide attempt, they released her early for wahtever reason, maybe she was a better actor than what we all thought. i thought she was getting better, i thought she was doing okay. i guess people in that state of mind would go to great lengths to make people believe their okay even if they really arent.
im just not sure how to cope with this. i dont know if i should cry or anything. ive not cried, im shaking, still. it doesnt feel real. how could she be gone?
and now. i sit listening to a song on repeat becuase its mine and her song. my eyes are welling up but still i dont cry. i feel completely empty. i want to go to her flat and have her answer the door and say 'i was only joking'... even if that would be a sick joke.i know thats not going to happen. i didnt get my chance to say goodbye. shes already been cremated. her last wish at the bottom of a list for how she wants things was to not have me there and to have it while i was away on holiday. her last wish in an email to me was to carry on recovering.
now i have the pressure of not cutting so then i dont go back on the last wish that she expressed to me. i wish id of been here so then maybe, just maybe, shed still be here and i wouldnt be writing this. i know i shouldnt blame myself. i know i shouldnt say what if.. but really... what if?
Please don't blame yourself. If you need to talk, you can PM me.
When one door of happiness closes another one opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
I agree don't blame yourself the doctors should have seen she wasn't better but i suppose your right she could lie and persuade them she was fine.It's ok to cry it's ok not to cry you can't control how you handle this and don't try embrace your feeling but don't let them consume you.Don't put pressure on your self to feel better or 'Get over it'you need to grieve,don't think what if because its not healthy cry to people scream just be safe hope your ok feel free to pm if your struggling or just need to chat
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
What if ,what if .....
You can't and you could not do anything ,
You said she has been at hospital ,right?she got help ...but it was her choice to leave ,u couldn't do anything and you shouldn't blame yourself .
PM if you need
*hugs*
A little angel fell into my arms at the 7th of december 2010
i found out the hard way, if someone wants to go, they will go, and there is nothing you can do
but, it is what she wanted. she was in torment, and through this act of desperation, she found the solace she was searching, aching for.
i assure you that everyone that loves her is blaming themselves, and none of them are justified in doing so. blame just happens with the grief of suicide. always people questioning what they did, or didnt do, while the lost one was still alive.
and, i completely understand the "sick joke" thoughts. oh god, i have dreamt about it being just a joke. surely being deceived like that is better then...
i wish i could make you feel better. all i can do is offer my support.
Erin
All of this would be easier to handle if i could of gone with them all when they scattered her ashes. it would of been so much easier to say goodbye that way, but now i have to carry the thought around with me all day every day and i cant handle it.
why didnt you want me there? why didnt you want me to say goodbye like they all did? why couldnt i get that sense of goodbye? now, all i can do is go sit on an empty piece of land, knowing your ashs are there and try say goodbye that way. why there? why not buried with your baby? why not somewhere with a little bit of meaning behind it? why somewhere way out there where no one goes, no one really knows where you are now. why not somewhere closer to me so i can say goodbye? come back. just come back.
**If You Love Someone Or Something Enough, Set Them Free.**
Maybe you could do something to mark your love for her, and say good bye in your own way. I never got the bodies of my three babies to bury, but I've said goodbye through some art work i did, dedicated to them. I know its not much, but it was still something. Maybe you could plant a tree where her ashes are, or maybe just light a candle for her for an hour on the hour she died; maybe like a month from the date she passed away.
It's so sad that you lost her whilst away, but maybe she loved you too much to let go when you were there? She'll never truely be gone though; she's in your heart. And you're with her too.
i was thinking of doing something but i cant decide what.
it just hurts she didnt want me there. i never seem to get to say goodbye to people/things i love and care about. and i dont understand why. xx
**If You Love Someone Or Something Enough, Set Them Free.**
i got a tattoo, to remember my lost love.
and, since i have had it, i felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
heh, ok, im not suggesting you get a tattoo, but, maybe that will help jog your train of thought on how you would like to say goodbye.
she wanted to protect you from the pain, because she cared about you so much, which is why she requested you not be there.
