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Triggering (SI) - bad to worse. am i even here?
the last two years i have never been happy. Ive cut on and off, fought with my parents and have just felt so low.
so yesterday my life went from bad to worse. everything has fallen apart.
Im half way through my year 12 half yearlys. yesterday i had two in one day. In the second one i just completly lost it and wrote absolutly nothing in the two hrs and just drew horrible graffic images all over the paper as i needed to cut so bad but this was all i could do..
at the end of my exam i went and found my teacher and told i did heaps crap. She started saying stuff like that it was clear something is wrong and that its affecting my school work and my whole life..i started crying a walked off. There is one teacher at my school i can talk to about how im feeling. So i deceided that i would go and find her before i completly broke down. but when i found her she was talking to the other teacher that i had just walked away from and they were talknig about me. so i just absolutly took off. then later that night my parents told me they had booked me into some youth worker for this afternoon. I am not going to go as i dont want them to have anything to do with this meaning my parents. i know they are only trying to help but i just cant physically admit to them how i am feeling. i feel horrible for always pushing them away but i just cant help it. so then last night i was on the compter and the phone rang. it was the stupid teahcer from school that i trusted and who said that she wouldnt tell my parents and now she has. i was absolutly devestated. they didnt bring it up last night...they dont think i heard that it was her calling...so now i am like so stressed about wen they are going to bring it up...and i have no idea what the teacher told them =s i dont have to go back to school for another week for my next exam. i just want to yell at this teacher so much she completly let me down and lied to me. I didnt tell her i was cutting so i dont feel like she had a right to tell them? last night i couldnt sleep at all so i skulled heaps of straight vodka so my head would just stop going around and around. i cant stand this for much longer i feel like i am crazy. I dont even feel like im here anymore..i feel like theres a cloud around me or something everything is just so distorted =s
sorry for how long this is..i just needed to tell someone as i feel so compltly alone right now..and im just so scared il do something stupid. sorry.
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