Triggering (SI/ED) - *cries* I'm falling again...

[BatRachy]

**** it.
I've gained weight. Bollocks to trying to be ''good'' (whatever good is). I'm weighing myself, I'm going back on the diet pills, and laxatives, and I sooooo need to cut. I haven't done any of these things since January. I should be proud I should be positive. But no. I'm getting worse and worse. Every day I feel awful again. Everyday I catch a glimse of the fat, the bulging stomach, the wobbling legs, the flabby face.
Everyday I fight against the voices that no one know I hear, everyday I want to rip and tear and destroy myself. Every day I wonder why it all feels so normal. Why it all feels so perfectly normal. It felt abnormal when I wasn't craving diet pills, when I could walk past my scales without getting on them incase that run up the stairs helped me lose a bit more weight. It felt strange not worrying about who saw my arms, it felt odd not having that sting under my sleeves from open wounds...

The nightmares/flashbacks/voices plague me every day. The collection of tablets and stuff cry out to me. My hands itch to get money out (actually, NatWest's money out - my overdraft is being stretched) to buy as much cocaine that I have money for, I want to smoke all the incredibly potent weed we have upstiars, I want to go to the corner shop and buy vodka and any other alcohol I can manage to afford. I wanto to pull my Venus razor blades apart and play with the little tiny, but very sharp blades that I get... ripping myself apart... I want to purge, I want to cry and scream and cut myself to pieces...

Sorry this is such a rant, just need replies/help/support. Should I get an appointment at the doctors? I'm recieving no help apart from being on Efexor XL (150mg a day). This isn't depression. I've never been given a diagnosis, not since I was 15 and was first dragged to the doctors after being found to be self harming... Voices, major mood swings, major cravings for drugs etc... It just doesnt fit in, it's like no one cares...

I don't want anything serious to happen, I love my job, I CANNOT lose it, I CANNOT have them finding out I'm getting worse...

[chocostashchick]

it sounds like you have a lot going on right now
i am so sorry that you are so stressed out and upset
i do think that talking about it will help and the doctor is a really good idea
you dont deserve to feel this way
keep holding on and keep fighting it
you are stronger than this
xxxooo

[Destinationzero]

Drugs are definately not the answer and neither is SI or becoming obsessive about weight and all that stuff. You seem very stressed and that can put your mind into the idea of wishing you could control everything...especially yourself... to a T. Well sorry it isn't possible to absolutely control everything. If you wish to lose weight please do it the natural way. Laxatives and diet pills can really screw up your metabolism and are ADDICTIVE!!! If you really want something to do to clear your mind go for a run and just try to push yourself physically that way but do not obsess please!!!! That is dangerous as well.

You are a strong person and very driven from what I can see. You can beat all of this stuff in your head. Be safe!!!

[Margo]

Firstly go to the doc and tell him/her. Secondly try to change meds. Effexor is horrid!! Simple as!!!

Im sorry bout the Ed problems. I dont know much about it so i wont comment too much on it.

What worries me here is the drug use. If you are smoking weed IT WILL depress you. If you are taking coke IT WILL depress you.

Please take it from an old loon thats smoked more and put more stuff up his nose than he cares to mention that you are heading down a very dangerous path here. For the temporary relief it may be giving to get "out of it" believe me when i say you are doing far far more damage to yourself than you realize. Im not going to go into the addiction crap with you because you know that and its not the point here.

Rach quit the drugs. If your Bf is takin them too then get him to quit. Steer clear of "sessions" round mates houses.

Taking drugs with MI is like putting a plaster on a broken leg and hitting it with a hammer every day and wondering why it wont heal!

Please go talk to the doc.

Take care

Matthew xxx

[Stellata]

(((((Rach))))))

I care, and you know where my pm box is. Feel free to use it as often as you need. I will always listen.

You don't have to tell your job. You can seek support. Its really positive that you love your job.
Flashbacks can suck energy and life out of you. Nightmares too. [bear in mind that excessive vivid dreaming is a possible side effect of efexor. also efexor is a more stimulating anti-d. It may be that, like me and often others with traumatic/abusive pasts, need a more sedating medication. There are other a-d's out there, and it is worth a try asking your dr.]

Yes, the doctors. I feel that it would be a very good idea for you to get a dr's appt asap. You are not well right now, and I think you know that also.

I really really think you need some support right now. And what about some counselling/therapy?

Also, have you tried talking back to the voices? And how about drawing the feelings, rather than drowning them in unhealthy things?

[BatRachy]

I know drugs are bad, and I know effexor is awful. I'm scared to come off it, which is why I'm still on it despite being discharged from Community Mental Health Team in October '06. They said stay on it til Christmas to get me through Christmas without having an awful time, and so now it's June '07 and I'm scared about coming off it. I want to go cold turkey with it the way I have come off everything else (yes, I have never listened to Doctors in my life), but I know fine well it'd be horrendous. I once went four days without takin my Efexor (due to the Drs refusing to do my prescription as an emergency, something to do with it ''not being life threatening'' HAHA) and I couldn't physically move, see, breathe etc. It was horrible. I'm so so so scared of coming off Efexor, and to be honest I don't wanna be on meds. I refused them at the age of 15, gave in at 18 when I was in hospital reguarly for overdoses/trying to kill myself (needless to say they gave me leaflets, apparently I wasnt trying to kill myself hard enough for them to bother with me - NEVER move to Leeds people, they don't give a flying ****). After a few different meds, I was put on Efexor 2 years ago. It's done no good to be honest. Apart from stopping E's working, and making the cocaine effect stronger (it's not big or clever to take drugs, I know that, I just enjoy it, and dont care for my life enough), and making me useless at drinking loads (though I am building it back up again).

I AM gonna go to a doctor, definatly. But I'm not sure why... I might just print this off and show him...Maybe I'll chicken out, maybe I'll tell him I'm not ok... I have no idea what to say. I don't know what to say or do. I don't want meds, I don't want a community psych nurse, or a occupational therapist, or a psych. I've had them all before, they were all crap and made me feel like I made everything up. I even got shouted at for not following the ''crisis plan'' we'd made, after I was so drunk I couldnt stand so lay on the floor taking tablets til I passed out. Yes because I was thinking straight.
I want play therapy, or art therapy or something. I did Art therapy this time last year for 3 months, it was brilliant. I miss it.
I just need something to help me understand stuff and in turn I'll be fine again. I don't need a counsellor (trust me I've done a counelling course, I know what it's like on both sides), I need therapy. Can I find the kind of therapist I want NO I CAN'T. And could I affod it anyway NO. And how long is the NHS waiting list?? 18months. Oh Yes. Jolly old NHS.

Sorry, I feel so horrible and sad and awful. Self destruction is so comforting... It's my life...

[Stellata]

Check out the UCKP [United Kingdom Council for Psycotherapists] handbook. Most decent libraries should have one. Or you can get an online search done via their site.

[BatRachy]

Hmmm will see if we have one in stock at work tomorrow. We should have it.

Thanks everyone for your replies :) You are such a great support and help and I'm sorry I dont seem very greatful. I am, I'm just on another planet right now. Sorry xxx