Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I don't know what to do anymore

[newanda]

I have had the day from hell. In fact it was a really horible weekend also. I don't know what to do. Everything is just getting overwhelming. I messed up at work today. It is the second time in three days. I really don't want to go in tomorrow and deal with it. I wish i could just quit.

The sun didn't come out at all today, then around 2 it started raining really hard. I had a therapy apt at 5. I tried to get to it. I went three different ways, but all the roads were closed due to flooding. Needless to say, i didn't make it. I was afraid i wouldn't be able to get home, but i did, it just took a really long time. I have lived in the same town for 24 years and i have never seen flooding this bad before. It was really scary. I didn't think it would be that bad.

Because of one of the road blocks the police pointed us down a different road. I was just following everyone else, but it turned out that that was was blocked also. An officer stoped the car in front of me and then walked over to my car and said "doesn't anyone read english anymore?" He was refering to a sign that said the road was closed. We were told to go that way though. I just though it was a little rude.

I would do almost anything to not have to go to work tomorrow. I know it's going to be a long night tonight and i'm afraid of what i'll do to myself. I wish i could go to bed and wake up and everything would be over. I have been at my job for a year now and i would really like a break, but i don't get paid vacation time and i can't afford to miss more than a day or two. I just want a break. I can't handle my life anymore. I was afraid this would happen again and it seems it is. I don't know what to do. Just being alive from day to day is getting to be too much.

I want to quit, i want to stop, i want out, i want it to be over, i don't know what to do, i need help, i want to hurt myself, i want to die. I wish there was somewhere i could go or someone i could talk to. I don't know what to do. I can't take it anymore.

[blondiebear]

Oooh what a meanie moron cop that was messed up about where you should go. But then we once had an encounter like that too. Only it was a snow and ice storm in the high desert. Cops were useless, fortunately my husband carries good maps in his head, we were 120 miles from home.

I hope you can reschedule your therapy?

I'm sorry your job sucks. From your personal profile, it looks like Retail? I've worked retail, lots of um adventures and special people.

I wish I had more to offer you. Nosy question that you don't have to answer or can answer PM, which set of floods are you in. Sorry, i'm a hydro-geographer by education.

*gives you a hug*

[flying rain]

Hey

I'm so sorry about your awful day. That was very inconsiderate of the cop to say....I would have been upset too!

Sorry about your working situation too. Is there a way you could look for another place of work?

Doesn't seem like it now, but things will get better.

I don't have too much more to say, just wanted to give you hugs and tell you that you can always PM me if you need to talk.

[newanda]

Thanks for the hugs. I am so anxious about everything that i feel like a have a 20 pound brick on my chest. And my stomach is all tied up in knots. I talked to my therapist and i can see her tomorrow morning if the roads are back open. I think they probably will be. I hope they are.

I do work in retail. It's a strange job. There are usually only 4 or 5 customers a day and i work by myself. So there is a lot of alone time. At first i thought i'd really like that, but it turns out that being by yourself for 6 hours a day isn't as fun as i thought it would be. It feels very confining and mind numbing. I basically sit in the back office and watch movies on my computer all day. There isn't an internet conection so i can't even get online. And the only windows are up front so i can't even look outside from the back. I am looking for another job, but this one pays pretty good and i'm having trouble finding a job that pays enough.

And Blondiebear, i live in Arkansas. Northwest Arkansas to be more specific. I doesn't usually flood here. We have trouble when it snows because of all the hills and mountains, but not usually rain. I can't remember it ever being this bad. Even the tornados usually skip over us. The weather here doesn't usually scare me, but i hadn't ever seen anything like today in person. The rain has stoped though so hopefully everything will be ok tomorrow.

[blondiebear]

Okay, mental map of Arkansas in place. Ozarks and Ouachitas. Pretty country!

You'll laugh at this; when we get one inch of rain, it is a severe weather alert! Flash flood warnings but then especially in burn areas.

Did you get through the floods to see your therapist today?

Thinking of you and hoping you're okay.