Triggering (Suicide) - *urgent* my kelly is in hospital....help?
it came out of the blue...well...kind of.
these past few weeks shes been really depressed. her wound has almost healed but she hasnt.
when her depression hits..it hits hard.
she seemed fine this morning...she was watching a movie and laughing.
but then later we had an argument that was really stupid.
and im always telling her she needs to spend moe time with her kids (which i do). but i think im only adding to her guilt. its so hard because i see both her children here and she doesne pay much attention to them.
and my baby is so far away and God knows what i would do to have him close to me. i feel she takes alot fro granted and i tell her so.
this afternoon she told me she was calling crisis because she was seriously suicidal. i offered to take her directly to the hospital to avoid ambulances and police coming to our home in front of the kids.
i dropped her off with her bags and left.
ive had 3 flashbacks today already. i feel like im drowning. im so scared. i try to take care of Kelly and myself and keep the peace between the family and i just feel exhausted.
im so afraid for her. i know she has so much guilt but doesnt know how to express it.
and now i feel like complete **** for pushing her to this point.
im glad shes going to get some help..but still...
and now im going to be here alone for the first time which is terrifying to me.
someone talk to me if you can.
im going to keep busy for a while folding loads of laundry.
i just feel like im coming out of my skin and dont know which way is up or down.
Rachel dear,
Your comment was not why Kelly was suicidal. She was already having depression and problems with her ADs. She spent weeks recovering from that awful spider bite and what it did to her. Being that sick for that long is awful, even when you are on the mend. I've been there and done that even though it was a different illness.
I'm sorry that you had the fight with Kelly. These things do happen. If this didn't put her at the breaking point, something else might have, even something she saw on TV.
I'm sorry that the flashbacks are coming back. I'm sorry that you are so scared.
I think folding laundry is fine. Think of it as a tactile/touch form of grounding. When I get very upset or nervous, I do housework too. And i despise housework.
By taking Kelly to the hospital, you did what you needed to do to protect her kids. Often in a relationship, one partner is busier than the other so the other ends up spending more time with the kids. There is nothing wrong with that. You're loving them and taking care of them, food, sleep and cuddles. That is great.
I understand about being alone at night. I don't like being at home alone overnight. I've gone on business trips with Philip instead. I could live with going to San Francisco a few years ago, it is in the same state. Philip told me where some essential things were and I looked at the map and found the book store and the four story fabric store. But Minneapolis/St.Paul in January? That was too special for words. I don't own that kind of clothing.
Since Kelly's parents live next door, do you want to take the kids and spend the night over there? Or will they mind if you phone them in the middle of the night?
*looks to see if skin in place*
*gives you a understanding hug*
Love, Susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Honey i'm so sorry you have to deal with all this
I'm not great today so sorry if this is crap, but i'm here and i will try my best
please let me know if there is anything i can do
flashbacks are awful, i don't know what to advise but try and stay grounded and focused on something
huge hugs and masses of love
Jo xxxxx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
*wanders in. gives you a hug. goes out to pick out and eat the raisins in trail mix*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
im not keeping the kids. her daughter is 13 and her son is 4.
im not comfortable keeping them alone because of the damn flashbacks. i know it scares her daughter but i dont think her son knows what is happening. plus when i lose time....i have NO IDEA what ive done or anything.
that was the reason i sent my own son away....the constant dissociating. it was alot worse back then. i lost days at a time and was raising a 5 year old by myself. it became too dangerous for him.
Kelly's parents know that i cant keep her son on my own because of this. its so embarassing but much better safe than sorry.
the first flashback i had in front of her son.....i "came to" with him holding my face and crying my name. it was so sad and horrible. plus the fact that with a 4 year old they need constant supervision. and with the flashbacks and dissociations...im not safe
i never thought i would never be safe for a child. i love them to pieces. i do help alot with Kaleb when Kelly is here.and i play with him too. but im afraid to do it alone.
i feel so useless that i cant even help with the kids while shes sick and in the hospital. what a wonderful wife i am....
please pray or whatever you do for my Kelly. ive cried all my tears out already.
Rachel,
I'll find you wherever you are. That's what friends do. Just be warned that when Philip and I are on our next road trip to Atlanta GA, I'll want a tour of the fabric stores in your city.
I'm so sorry that you can't take care of the kids. Now I understand more about your baby. I have to totally admire you for loving them enough to let them go and make sure they are where they can be taken care of. That must be heartbreakingly difficult!
There are times I'm a poor wife too. You talked about folding laundry. For days there have been four loads on the floor, plus I have two pieces of fabric I have to pre wash. Philip did the dishes yesterday too cause he was tired of the stinking cat food dishes. You're trying!
Can you go spend the night with your in-laws? If nothing else, with a pillow and blanket on the rug?
I will keep Kelly in my prayers. If you talk to her, please say "Hi" to her from me?
Of course I'll say prayers for you too. I'll probably stop by here a couple of extra times/day to see how you're doing.
*gives you a hug*
Love Susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
What's going on? With Kelly? With you?
*grabs tissues. gives you a cuddle-hug*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
please be gentle with yourself and do some soothing activities, curl up in front of the tv with a milky drink and take some sleeping tablets if you need them.
im here if you need me, loads of love and huggles
mary
xxxxxx
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, thats why its called the present!"
im so freaking lonely. i havent been COMPLETELY alone in years.
this house is way too quiet.
and to top it all off.....there are MAJOR storms headed our way. they are moving east out of Arkansas. and theyre gonna be bad!!!!
i pretty much know quite a bit about the weather because i SAW a tornado while at work. it was only across the street from us. it was an f4 and destroyed absolutely everything in its path. it left our little store standing. ive always been fascinated with tornadoes but that day my fascination ended. i never want to come into contact with another one!!!!
i wouldnt be so upset about this if we didnt live in a mobile home(trailer, whatever).
but all it takes to turn our home upside down is a wind gust of over 60 MPH.
anything above that can rip it to shreds.
i dont have anywhere to go except her parents and from the looks of the radar and the forecast...the damn storms wont be hitting until after midnight.i feel awkward at her parents with out her.
plus im worried about HER!!!! she's in the hospital on whatever floor theyve got her on....way up high!!!! ok...i KNOW im paranoid. i try to be logical but damnit when it comes to bad weather...i freeze!!!
im panicked...yep...im panicked.....dont know what to do except wait...and i feel like im waiting for my doom. i just got my meds refilled today and i have sleeping tablets but damn if i take them i wont know whats coming!!!!
jesus!!!! please just let tomorrow get here with us all in one piece and our hearts beating.
oh...forgot to mention...i look like i have a black eye!!!
after all the crying i did it chapped the area under both my eyes. but one is worse than the other and sore as hell. and i dont want to see anyone and have to explain that i chapped my own ****ing skin because i cried so much!!!!
ok im just going to keep talking here for a bit since i have NO ONE to call.
how ****ing sad is that?
Keith isnt home yet or id call him.
my sis isnt speaking to me which is really hurting my feelings. i need her right now but ONCE again she's never there.
i swear i hate being around alot of people but i would love to have a room full of people around me right now.
ive got my music playing which does help but if i sing to it...it doesnt sing back...and then the conversation makes no sense!!!!!
God...im missing everyone ive lost....my father, JarJar, little Jimmy, Lily(Amelia), my great grandmother, my cousin, both my aunt and uncle who killed themselves.
maybe im finally losing it????
but guess what???
this time i DONT want to lose it. which is quite different from the other times ive felt this way.
usually when i get this lost, empty, dissociated feeling...i just let it take me. but not this time. im fighting it. i want to stay in recovery.
ive thought a few times that this would be a perfect time to drink...no one would know etc....but I WOULD know. and the fact is...i dont want the ****.
all it'll do for me is make me puke and give a helluva headache. im not a casual drinker. i guzzle.
hmmm...what now......i miss my dog...Bear Bear. i thought of him last night while lying in bed by myself. he always slept with me. i really missed him last night. he was so huge (rottweiler). but oh so sweet.
i'm glad you don't want to lose it.
have you had the storms yet? im too crazy today to work out the time difference between us? hope everything is ok and the weather passes and stops freaking you out.
i think you are SO strong to be able to let go of the kids, especially your son, to make sure they are ok. It's incredible how strong you are and how unselfish. :)
I hope kelly is ok. you did the right thing taking her to hospital. she will be being looked after.
i hope you are both ok.
was it you who suggested i may have PMDD? i remember you replied to me with much appreciated sympathy, i think it was you who suggested it. if you like you can think of me stuck here alone in my room with F*cking Painful period cramps lol. *cuddles* xxx
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
yep....it was me. im sorry bout your cramps. and i do have PMDD. it sucks butt!!!!
the storms havent reached us yet. they should be here around 8 or 9 pm...which is 2 or 3am your time, i think.
ive just spoken with Kelly. they are going to keep her 5 to 6 days.
there are NO visiting hours which is ridiculous.
i miss her her SO much. i remember when i visited Keith and she cried like a baby when i left. i thought she was crazy. but NOW...i completely understand. its only been one night and im going mad. i honestly dont know how i'll make it for 5 or 6 more days. i know i sound so dramatic and im sorry.
****...it just thundered. i looked at radar on weatherbug. bad stuff isnt even here yet. damnit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i hate being this scared. and i really hate being ALONE and this scared.
I have nothing for you hun and I wish I did.
But you're so strong sweetie and I know that's hard to believe at times.
You can get through this and Kelly will be out soon.
Huggggggge hugs
xxxx
Hi Rachel,
I just checked out weather channel on line. So far you're not in tornado warning, just tornado watch. Here it is a severe weather alert if there is an inch of rain.
I wish I had some answers for you. I'm going to be here at RYL for a bit longer but then Philip is home and I'm hungry. Mac n cheese, I so don't cook. Not even during a one inch of rain flash flood alert.
I'm sorry that you won't be able to see Kelly. Will you be able to talk to her on the phone?
Even though you're uncomfortable going over to your in laws, if there is a tornado warning, go one over. You are worth being safe. Take some lotion and put dabs of it on under your eyes.
I know about the booze. Though Tequila was my poison of choice. You and I both know that there is nothing a drink won't make worse.
You mentioned Bearbear. Last night after a nightmare I found Bozo the 19 year old cat next to my hip and my fingers were dug into his fur. Normally he sleeps at our feet so that was a surprise and more so that he didn't mind my fingers dug in.
I'm off to put some water on to boil. I'll check back before I go to bed. Both the weather radar and you.
Love, Susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
im here at her parent's.
i took sleeping pills and slept for about 3 hours.
its only 11pm.
from radar..it looks like everything went past while i was sleeping.
i think most of it was heavy rain.
i guess i'll go ahead and stay here tonight since im already here.
xxx
glad u missed the worst of the weather. sleep is good :)
can u ring kelly? no visiting hrs sucks!!
hope you're ok and not feeling too uncomfortable at her parents'.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
But Minneapolis/St.Paul in January? That was too special for words.
I don't own that kind of clothing.
.gif "rollfloor")
