Triggering (SI) - Spiraling out of control

[achaean]

I hate whining, hate seeming like I can't do anything right, like I'm worthless - a mistake/disappointment not worth trying for; but I'm losing grip on the where, when, and who. I'm becoming more,

and more

Impulsive
not really thinking
of who, or
what
might happen if i give
in to this urge
to bleed.
know no one wants to
hear this old song and dance from me
,but it’s time again,
time to play with sharp objects.
i close my eyes, and see
crimson rivers running
and the white of my bones
bared for me
- for you.
swinging up into mania
bringing the blue into the white
blistering the thoughts inside.
how much would it hurt,
to just let the impulse
drive?
give up, and slip,
free falling into the brilliant white.
regret? hate? disgust?
numbness rushing through me
failing desire not to
-
have to bury this monster,
stop hearing it’s call,
but i love the song dearly
.
.
.
I've made it almost four months and suddenly I feel so disassociated with myself, as though my limbs don't belong where they are. I want to get rid of them. If I stay here, on the internet, then I won't be able to get to my blades...

I wish I felt comfortable calling someone just to talk to them - comfortable telling them I can't be alone right now, can't be allowed to return to these old, worn paths of habit....

[Stellata]

How're you feeling now, several hours later?

Who is it that you can't seem to do anything right for?

[88shelz]

hey hun...howz things wth you now?
that post was pretty deep!
im sory i dont have muich advice. just wanna let you know that im here if you need to talk. xx hug

[achaean]

Stellata - feeling better now, a couple days later, but I continue to feel like I can't do anything right for any of my managers at work...tis getting better, but still not quite the 'perfect' I've been used to recently.

88shelz - thanks hun <3!

[blondiebear]

Everyone has off times at work. That happens. Forgive yourself.

When you feel the desire to cut, do you do things like hold ice? Snap a rubber band against your wrist? I like to brush or play with my hair and I feel my hair in my hands and my fingers or the brush massaging my scalp. Putting on lotion gives you something nice to smell as well as feel.

[achaean]

Thanks blondiebear! <3! It's just tough sometimes....

When I feel the desire I tend to pop on some fun music and dance to it, if I'm real luck it'll be a Wednesday and I can go out with some close friends. Otherwise, I tap on everything, obsessively; fingers, pens, cups, books....