Triggering (SI/OD) - I've had enough...I really need help this time

[Tearjerker]

I have been getting pains in my muscles in both my arms and legs recently I cut them quite badly so they are gaping, I have been getting these pains for months. I recently stopped SI and was on a path to recovery which lasted around 4 -6 months with few slip ups and one OD. I started SI in the last month or so and now I feel like I can't stop again even the simpliest of things makes me SI, I don't even eat/sleep much lately because I feel repulsed with myself and think being thin will help. I stopped drinking/drugs/SI/OD all at the same time and I did quite well, But I started having terrible mood swings - I would cry, scream, swear, punch things and I became an awful person to be around it even affected my work but since cutting again I feel "normal" and can control my temper much more (does anyone get like this if they dont cut?)
My boyfriend hates me cutting and won't look at my body if I do, The thing is I just want him to stroke them, tell me he understands and it'll be okay - Instead he calls me stupid
I just don't know what to do, I have never really learnt how to cope for 5 years without cutting and now I'm relying on it daily again, Also sometimes this site can really trigger me obviously the more serious forums etc. but I read them still? I like seeing myself bleed it's like for once I don't fail at doing something in my life.
So yeah, That's quite long I just needed some advice on the pain and to help with my boyfriend etc. I feel low and need some suggestions.
Thanks in advance for any replies,
Kim (Gothicshadow on v.2) (lurked there although have been a member for 2 years)

[kjeorhrny]

Oh, hun, I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

First of all, I'd ask that you try to stay off all triggering posts, including your own, while you're not feeling great. If you'd like to go on RYL, which is a great idea :), try to stick to the fun/distractions page.

Second, remember the importance of setting little goals. Sometimes the little goals are the ones that will make a world of a difference. If you can go to bed one night without doing anything bad, this could be the biggest step you'll ever take toward recovery. One night is something to be proud of, for sure.

Hold on, and try your best to be patient with your boyfriend. I know it won't be easy, but if you can keep your relationship strong with him, he might start to understand and be able to help you out a little bit more. :)

Hang in there. I know you can do it, you seem to have some great recovery skills. *hug*

Kate