kind of a rant (mentions meds)

[flying rain]

It's so ridiculous that I'm relapsing after years of being moderately ok with depression. And it seems like it's manifesting in a completely different way this time around.

Mentioned this before, but I haven't been able to sleep or eat much in the past few days. I went to a doctor today for the sleeping thing, but I don't really like her. She gave me xanex (sp?) and I'm going to take half of it tonight if I can get my courage up. I have a phobia of taking pills. It's irrational, I know. Anyway, taking **** to help me sleep is just getting artificial rest. Sleep used to be a fun activity, something I almost looked forward to. Now I hate the night time.

I have no one to talk to, really. At night is when the depression peaks. It's kind of when I realize that I've been trying to distract myself from feeling depressed all day. And then I start getting anxious and all the nerves in my body activate and buzz throughout my bloodstream and make it impossible to sleep. I have to wait until all the adrenaline and anxiety and nervousness gets exhausted and then crash. I never remember sleep. I remember trying to sleep followed by waking up tired and wanting to sleep more, but not being able to. Not the actual falling into unconsciousness. I guess the bright side is I hardly dream nowadays.

Hate being alone. Hate having only myself as company. Because I ****ing hate myself. All my friends have found other, better friends and left me behind. My family has bigger things to worry about than me. I know I validate my life through other people. And I have no one right now. And it's the worst thing I can imagine.

I know this is really pathetic and stupid and far too rantlike, but I have no one to talk to right now and I need some sort of outlet. Something. I see my therapist here at home on Monday and I'm looking forward to talking to somebody who will actually listen to me.

[dark_light]

Its not ridiculous at all, everyone goes through difficult times and if you have been depressed before then you will be more vulnerable to becoming unwell again. Have things been more stressful recently?
Not sleeping can make things so much worse, meds aren't a good solution long term but can really help short term to get you back into a routine. Xanax really helps with anxiety aswell, although it would be good to find other ways to manage it such as deep breathing and relaxation techniques, don't know if you have tried anything like that? I find relaxation cds can really help at night to distract me if i'm feeling panciky and can't sleep.
I know its not easy but eating will help, even something small like some soup, i find it hard to eat when i'm depressed but it makes things worse because you start feeling weak and physically unwell
I know how horrible it is to feel so alone, but you have people here and i don't think your post is pathetic or stupid at all.
Jo x

[blondiebear]

Your post makes perfect sense to me. I did not sleep well last summer when my ADs were being changed.

Make sure you're not having caffiene in the afternoon or evening. Make a routine of winding down too. I take off my jewlery and take down/brush out my hair. I take some light reading with me and read for a few minutes to an hour after I've gone to bed.

Go ahead and take the xanax. It won't provide great quality sleep but like dark_light said it will help you get into a routine so you'll be better able to go to bed and get some sleep when you need to.