Hi,
I'm new to veterans but feel right at home, at 27 I think this is the right place to be.
Right now I'm pretty low, had stopped SI'ing for 3 years, thought I would be ok, never come back to it again.
How wrong I was. I'm now doing it worse than before. Not just 1 or 2 cuts at a time, several and deeper than before.
Why??? I don't know, I wish I did. I feel so numb, I think I should feel so much pain inside me but I don't. So I have to feel it physically to know it is real.
I know why I feel pain, well some of the reasons. I just don't know how to cope with them any differently.
Squiggles
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
hey Squiggles
i'm sorry that you are in so much pain right now
and that cutting is the only way you know how to cope
do you have a therapist or a doc that you see? if not now might be the time. it would be good to talk and maybe figure out what is causing you so much pain and learn some better coping mechanisms
is there anything stressful going on right now? has anything changed for you?
way to go on 3 years free though!! you must be a really strong person to do that, and you can definitely do it again!!
keep us updated
xxxooo
Hi Choc
There are lots of things that have happened over the last 6 months that have led to me feeling the way I do. I was coping but now they are all getting on top of me as I have not had time to deal with each one individually.
I don't have a counsellor, last time I relied on friends support, my bf at the time was amazing.
Reasons for feeling the way I do:
8 year relationship ended, he was my roack and kept me sane.
Dad moved to the US, he was also a great support and I miss him.
Stress at work right now.
Stress of not having own home and having to live with Mum.
I agree I should learn some better coping mechanisms but I need to find time to get some help.
3 years free was hard work, i won't say I didn't think about it but Ihad the support or my partner and when I was feelng low he would just cuddle me tight and if needed take me from harms way. I sure miss him.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
hah i just moved back with my mom this past fall
i can so relate to that stress!
it has made me feel really inadequate and like i lost my independence
i know that i am actually the same person and no less successful or independent or anything but it's hard to make myself believe it lol
and i am so sorry that you have broken up with your boyfriend and had your daddy move
mine just moved across the country in september and it's really awful feeling like my fam is so spread out
i still try and call a lot and i email him
can you still call him sometimes? get a phone card? email contact?
about your bf and all that, i'm so sorry
but those 3 years, that was you staying safe and getting through that
sure he supported you but recovering from SI is something you do on your own and nobody can do it for you
you did it then and you can do it now even if he isnt in your life
you can still call somebody and talk to them though, if you feel triggered, like a friend?
maybe now is a good time to get a therapist, too? something to think about. i just started the process myself and i have my second appt tomorrow and even though i just started it feels kind of nice to know i am not alone and that there is somebody out there whose job is to help me
xxxooo
callie
Hi Squiggles,
You're in the right place here in Vets. Welcome.
I was free of SI for three years too. Then a relationship with an uncle started to go weird and I started again. I found too that my methods changed and got worse.
Now I'm learning what situations and feelings make me want to SI. I wanted to last week after a fight with a girlfriend but after cogitating/percolating for a few days I've figured out what emotions were making me want to SI. One of my friends gave me something to read which helped and if I get a chance I'll let him know what else I figured out.
My living and family situations are different from yours but the emotions that lead us to SI are the same.
I've been married 18 years. My husband hates it and ignores it when I SI. But if I go to him ahead of time and say that I feel awful I can get a cuddle and a listening ear.
I get a lot of help but I SI'd just a few weeks ago. I'm seeing a psychaitrist who is my counselor and the assignments she gives me to do give me a lot of insight.
You are worth taking care of. Be good to yourself, you are the best person to do it, you know better than anyone else what you need.
Feel free to PM me if you want and I'll keep checking back for your posts. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
*gives you a welcoming hug*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Welcome! I truly admire you for your accomplishments in being SI free for so long! I am also sorry that you have found yourself in a space that makes you feel that you need to do travel down that path again. Please know that I care, and if you ever need to talk or anything, I'm always right here. PM me anytime
Thanks all for your kind words. I am looking into getting a counsellor but I'm not sure how easy this will be, I need to fit it around work and cause a little disruption as possible. Work is one of my stressors and taking too much time out would add to this, as my work load would not reduce or be covered in my absence.
I talk to Dad every week but it's not the same as him being here, for me to drop in on whenerev I want to. Or the close loving feeling you get from a cuddle, I know he cares but it's harder to feel and relate to when it's across a phone call, email etc.
Choco, you got it spot n about moving home. It's a total loss of independence, I'm 27 and now I live with Mum she expects to know what time I'll be hom, do I want dinner, where am I going. I hate it. Much as I know she wants to know for practical reasons of does she bother cooking, it's driving me mad and frustrating me emensely.
I'll keep an eye on the veterans forums, it's nice to know they are here and I do fit in somewhere.
*Hugs you all*
Thanks for your support and take care all.
Squiggles
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
haha i'm glad somebody else can sympathise with me about the horrors of moving back home! lol!! i try and remind myself about the pluses (not that there are many). i tell myself how lucky i am not to have to pay for all of my own food, not to have to pay hundreds a month in rent.... but yeah the money thing is a plus but doesn't always make me feel better about feeling like a teenager again stuck at home!
about your work, most counsellors have evening hours at least one or two days a week to accomodate after-work hours, and some have early morning hours as well. that should be okay. (i am getting by atm with eating in my car while i drive and going in during my lunch break because i just started but i hope to switch to his evening slots now that i can book further in advance.)
definitely hope to see you around Squiggles!
xxxooo
callie
Hi squiggles
I totally understand how difficult it is living at home again! I spent 3 months last year living with my parents because i was in hospital and had nowhere to live so they were going to keep me in until somewhere could be found for me (which would have been months). I'm 26 and it did my head in, i'm living in a hostel now and i actually prefer it here, which kind of highlights how hard it was being back at home!
Three years is so amazing, hold on to that and know that you can do it again. I would think about talking to someone though, it can really help talking to a professional about triggers etc. I wouldn't know what to do without my cpn.
Welcome! Please pm me if you want to chat
xjox
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
Hi All,
Had a good week last week :) Wasn't 100% clear but close to.
This week is not going so well. Looking at flats to buy so can't wait to get my independence back. I know buying will take along time but at least it will feel like moveing forwards.
Right now I feel numb again. I felt so alive last week it was great. Now I feel numb, all I want to do it cut the length of my arm, don;t care how deep. Wow can't believe i just said that.
Don't think I will do it, I'm too conscious of the scars. But it's a horrible thought to be carrying around and I can't get rid of it. Why, I don't know. I'm ready to scream because I need to get rid of my feelings somehow. I can't control myself now. Arrrrrrrrrragh.
Sprry, had to vent somewhere, hopefully this will keep me safe for the time being.
Squiggles
*Crying*
I need to cut, I can't stand this anymore. I just give up fighting. I have nothing left in me. I need to feel this pain because I can't cope with it all tied up inside. I quit.
:(
Squiggles
Hi Squiggles, welcome.
Try letting some of what is tied up inside of you out here. It's not good to keep it in and we're all here to listen and help. I can't think of a lot to say right now, but if you want to talk for a bit i'm here.
Don't quit now. Three years is an amazing accomplishment. You've done it before and you can do it again! pm me anytime you need.
*wipes your tears and give you a big hug*
*snuggles you close*
and also welcomes you to vets.
im so sorry. i was really glad to read the post when things were looking up for you.
i hope you managed to get through the rough moment or day etc.
update us when you can?
oh and just to add my little story about moving back in with Mom......i was 29!!!! i lived with her for a year. im now 31 and its great to be out again.
it wasnt all bad though....we had some laughs together.
try and see the good points.
Hi All,
Good day so far today. Went house hunting which was fun. I can't believe the mess some people live in and the decor of some was !!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I now have to wait for my Dad to decide how much he can give me to know whether I can afford the one I like.
*Fingers crossed*
*Hugs to all*
Squiggles
House hunting is interesting. The decor of some places suprises me. My preferences are sort of plain and masculine though too. Will style will you do when you get into your new flat?
Sometimes when you look at a home, you know it is just perfect. My husband and I walked into the condominium (Californian English for a flat you buy) where we live now and we just knew it was the place! After 16 years here, that hasn't changed.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Still not heard from Dad. Have looked at the finances and not sure I can afford the one I like :(
Oh well. There's plenty more.
When I get my place it will have lots of colour, I hate magnolia. I will probably have a yellow bedroom, that's what Ihave now and I loveit. Lounge may be magnolia or a subtle beige/cream, but with paintings on the wall to brighten it up.
Anyway I need to find a place before I start decoratng it in my head.
Another good day today, not done a lot but feeling quite positive. I love weekends.
Liz
You'll find a place you like. My husband and I searched for months!
Since I live in Southern California, i'm trying to make our house southwest style but without any overwhelimingly cute stuff. We have awesome natural light so I make the most of that!
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
AAAAAAAAAAAArg, I'm so triggered and I've been at work all day and I've had enough. I just want to cut. AAAAAAAAAaaargh.
Sorry, very stressed. I give up at my job. I suck big time, I'm just letting everyone down at the moment.
Myself, my suervisor and my team.
I hate this, I'm just ready to give up!
Sorry, need to rant. Don;t feel much better. Only half an hour left. I want to go home now!!!!!!!!!!!
Liz
Thanks Fallen,
I actually love the job I do. I'm a HR (Human Resources) Assistant.I like the job I'm just a tad stressed with it at the moment as I am under review by my supervisor and I keep F**king things up. My quality isn't reaching hte required standards so they are monitoring me really closely which I'm finding hard work.
Everything else in life is up in the air and I would actually like the job to be my one stability in my life, but fate seems to be determined that this will fail as well.
I just want to give in. Curl up and hide away from the world, I hate this life.
Squiggles
