Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - Sexual Abuse? *graphic?*

[abcdefgpie]

A couple of years ago now I went out with a guy who I was unbelievably in love with. I'd liked him for like forever. Well, a year and a half. And when I first got to know him I was being quite badly bullied by soeone who had been my best friend for a year.
He was a really close friends, although we didn't know each other that well and I never told him about the bullying or my self-harming he really genuinely is the only reason I didn't try to kill myself at that time.
Then when we were going out at the beginning of 2005 he forced me to do stuff that I said no to.
I remember going to see him when he finished work because I was upset (like, I'd cut kind of upset) and i had cuts on my arms that were still bleeding because they were so fresh, and we were kissing and i told him that I loved him and he kinda sneered/laughed.
Then we walked towards his house and he talked me into walking into the little wood area and he made me do stuff that i said no to. (i.e. blowjob, anal sex).

Thing is, what is it?
Is it sexual abuse?


Please reply and give me some advice.
Thanks :)

[Dan]

Anyone, forcing you to do ANYTHING you do not want to do is abuse, and you DO NOT have to put up with it hun, honestly, he's not worth it if he's sneering at your hurt, and especially if he's sexually abusing you, i'd talk to someone about him, then even possibly take it further, don't let him hurt you anymore x. Take care, lots of hugs.

[Airlyeth]

It is abuse, yes. You said no and he still did what he did so yes. Was this just the one time or has it happened since, if you don't mind me asking?

If you feel you can maybe you can report him to the police. What he did is very wrong and he needs punishing for it and prevented from doing it again.

Air
X

[abcdefgpie]

We didn't carry on going out.
I became suicidal again, having been out of hospital from trying to kill myself for just a couple of weeks.
I think, for him, it was a game.
He just wanted to see how far he could get with me.
He was a 14 year old boy from a bad background.

It had happened before with him but only in small ways.
If you do psychology you may have done about obedience in Social Psychology?
One of the ways in which people get you to obey is by "gradual commitment"
Were they get you to do small things and build it up to something big.

We were only together for like a week.
At first it was like fingering and stuff.
Then it became "well you did that so why don't you do this" or "if you don't do this i'll tell everyone you did that" or "if you loved me you would".
I was only just 15 and had never had a boyfriend before really.

After we split up I didn't have a boyfriend for like a year and a half.
And then a little while ago I got like flash backs because I was with this guy and stuff started happening that I hadn't done since Mark.
And then I spoke to a good friend of mine who's quite a lot older than me and someone who I often chat to about stuff.
He was the first person I ever told.
It was scary.

I don't think I'd be able to go to the police.
It's hard enough talking about it to people who I know and trust, or people on here who are kind of anonymous, but talking to the police.
Also I'm scared that they wouldn't believe me.
Also it was over 2 years ago.
Is there any point in dragging it up?
I'm not sure I'd be able to come with it.

Thanks for the advice guys :)

[Airlyeth]

I know how you feel about the police not believing you. I suppose I'm being a bit of a hypocrite saying go to the police because I never did. If you don't feel comfortable with it, don't.

Talking to people about it can be scary but it can also really help, get things off your chest.

If you want to talk I'm around most of the time.

Air,
X

[abcdefgpie]

thank you.



Have you been through something similar?
By the way, is the flash back thing normal?

[thefool]

Rhiannon, Im so sorry you had to go through that *hugs you* The flash backs are normal. You are not alone there. Ive been through some stuff like that, although the situation was/is very different. Here if you ever need to talk.
Teri x

[abcdefgpie]

Thanks
I may just PM you about it sometime.
Cheers for reading.
*hugs you back*
It's scary.
I worry that people will judge me for it.
xxxxx

[thefool]

Dude, people wont judge you. Its not your fault.

[Airlyeth]

I was abused for 5 years, so yeah
Flashbacks are totally normal albeit inconvenient. When are you more likely to have a flashback? You can pinpoint situations and so then when you feel it building towards a situation where you may have one, you can remove yourself from it. Does that make sense?

Air

[abcdefgpie]

Teri:
People here won't and my friends won't, and people shouldn't, but things that shouldn't happen happen all the time.

Air:
Well I only had them that one time.
And for a few days after because I kept thinking about it.
It's not happened since..
Does this mean I won't have flash backs again?

[bloodletting]

sorry you had to be put through that sweetie...
the flashbacks mat happen again..as airlyeth said it can be brought on my different triggers, things that remind you of the place, the guy or just what happened may set off flashbacks.
i was abused for over 10years, and there isnt a room that i can walk into without seeing something that triggers me to have a flashback...
maybe talking to a counsellor could help you work through it..
dreams and flashbacks are just another way of your mind trying to work through what has happened.
hope you're ok hun and i'm here to talk if you need it
stay safe
xoxoxox

[abcdefgpie]

*hug*
Thank you.
It's nice to know that people understand.
What I don't understand is how or why people would do that stuff to us?!
xxxxxx

[abcdefgpie]

*bump*
Could anyone talk to me some more about the flash backs thing?
I'm scared of having them again.
Are they really a bad thing though?
Some advice? Cheers guys.
Sorry for bumping.
Rhiannon xx

[jadedfaerie]

it was rape.

flashbacks are normal. they're not a good thing, nor a bad thing. they just are. typically, they occur when you're triggered by something, ie: reminded of the event. it could be a smell, a thought, a person, a situation, a word, basically anything. i'm glad that you don't get a lot of them, because they are really scary and hard to deal with. i don't know if we're allowed to link to other supportive sites on here or not, but i can suggest two really good ones if they're allowed?

[Mandimoo]

It's not just sexual assault, you were just a child, underage, go to a counsellor, get help with all this. if you feel you want to take it further, they can advise and help you with that. if not then they can help you to overcome this. don't let him hold you down anymore, you have a life worth living and you deserve to live in happiness. mand x

[abcdefgpie]

Thanks guys

But he was even younger than me.
And from quite a bad background.

jadedfaerie:
if you can't post them you could PM them to me?
rape?

[abcdefgpie]

"Definition of Rape
Rape is the act of forced penetration of any bodily orifice (vaginally, anally, or orally) or forced cunillingous, involving violation of the survivor's body and psychological person. The assault is accomplished by the use of force, the threat of force, or without force when the survivor is unable to physically or mentally give her or his consent. It is the destruction of a feeling of control over one's body, life, and the course of events. Rape is an experience of violation, degradation, and humiliation. It often infuses the survivors with the shock of their own vulnerability."

[Mirabelle]

*hugs*
this isn't in any case your fault.
I don't have much to add here as everybody has given excellent advice.
but I'm there if you need to talk or vent or anything.
take care

[Dan]

*Hugs* I know it must be hard to take in, i'l talk to you later xxx Sorry it's happened to you :( Lots og hugs.