I can't remember a time where I wasn't low, wasn't on this emotional plateau that seems to have no beginning and no end. I thought I'd come on since my sessions with Helen last summer - I'd been in control, believing in myself, coping. But after August, it all got chucked out the window. Dad being diagnosed with depression, his suicide attempts. But hey, it get's better! He might have a personality disorder! Hurrah for us that have to live with it. ¬_¬
When you come home from school, and the first thing you do is check the stairwell and the garage for ropes, then you know there's problems. I keep coming home waiting to find him swinging.
And the best bit of it?
Nobody knows. Nobody has actually stopped, and looked at me. I've lost over a stone in weight since Christmas. Nobody has said /anything/. Nobody has looked into my eyes when they've asked how I am, and listened to the reply.
I'm in this on my own.
And it's killing me.
Literally.
I'm so sick of being everyone's best friend, the one everyone can talk to, the one that's happy-go-lucky.
Someone, please just /fucking realise/ that no, I'm not okay, and no, I'm not a leaning post.
Last edited by MissFit : 13-03-2008 at 08:33 AM.
Reason: computer messed up
"look at where I am, you put me there, up on this pedestal."
Im so sorry you feel this way right now, I feel for you and i cant even imagine what you are going through right now.
Please try not to lose anymore weight, because it sounds so unhealthy, try to just eat a bit healthier any get the right vitamins because otherwise you could do your body a lot of harm forever and i want you to get through this.
Hun what your dad is going through must be unbearably hard for you... but this is HIS issue, not yours, you dont HAVE to be there for everyone all the time, you need to take some time for yourself too.
Try findindg someone who will listen to you, another councelor? someone more regular?
Are you getting any help for this?
Please talk to someone about it? is there a family member you can trust with all this?
You need help because no human being can get through what youre going through alone hun.
Please... talk to someone.
Thankyou jade (: it means a lot that someone's trying to help me through this.
It's a nightmare with Dad, and I know it's his problem, but I have to live with it, y'know? I have to deal with the atmosphere, and watch what I say incase it triggers him if he's on a bad day.
I'm not getting any help, my councillor, Helen, and I finished at the end of july last year, and I'd been fine since then. But I guess things build up and get to you - I'd tried all the tactics, ice, red pen, pinching. Everything. But somethings are just what you're meant to do. And that's what I did.
I'm eating...just not as regularly as I should. Breakfast [weetabix (Y)] sometimes lunch and a small tea. But I don't /feel/ hungry if you get it? It just...doesn't appeal to me. The food - it's needless. I have to spend my time doing other things.
loveyou.x.
"look at where I am, you put me there, up on this pedestal."
sorry to hear about ur dad :[[ and how its effecting u. its not fair for u to have to listen to everyone elses problems when uhave so much to deal with urself. can u not talk to ur friends about whats going on with YOU. its not a proper friendship unless the support is given both ways. thinking of u hon. <3
would it be possible for you to start seeing your councellor again?
or maybe tell a friend or family member how you feel so that you can get all the help and support you need and deserve
*hugs*
trina x
Thanks Catherine (: It's easier said than done speaking to your friends. How do broach the subject that your dad is suicidal? And how do they deal with it? I know what my friends're like. They'll just be like, OMG im so sorry, and then just...forget me. Seriously. It's like that.
And trina ): I can't see Helen anymore, I don't have the time or the money, and as I said about friends to Catherine. I can't talk to my ma either, cause of her history with depression. She's coping with enough atm. I guess it's just you guys (: and you're really helping. Being able to just...talk about it, say things out loud [well you get what I mean] makes all the difference.
Iloveyouguys(:mucho
x
"look at where I am, you put me there, up on this pedestal."
