Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - Hello world, this is me.

Ashika · 12-06-2007, 01:45 PM

I'm Ash. I'm not sure where to post things - I've read the rules concerning it but I'm still not sure. So sorry if this is in the wrong place or wrongly labelled.

I hate everything in my life.
Everything I loved and enjoyed has been taken away.

I hate my mother, I hate my father, I hate my stupid backstabbing "friends".

All I have is my boyfriend. Though the past year, the worst year of my rather short life, he's the only thing that's kept me going.
And now my parents are trying to take him away from me. And my dad too.*
*Parents - biological. I don't recognise them as actually mine. Dad, on the other hand, as unofficially adopted me as his 3rd daughter. I've adopted him as my sole parent. Sad but true.

He's been there from day one, he's been the only fucking one who's ever noticed the scars, the blood, the sadness.
Everyone else thought I was happy and they still fucking do.

Just because I do so well in school - or did, anyway. Just because I have a nice figure and can frigging ACT happy when I have to!

I was abused as a little kid, and I don't even know who by or exactly what happened - ode to the wonders of suppressed memory!
My parents never fucking noticed that, either.

They never noticed anything.

Then I joined the scouts, and it started to get a bit better. I met my dad and I met my boyfriend. Dad's been there for me too, and he's awesome. But he isn't John. John's the one I need.

Maybe it's bad to be so dependant on one person. I don't know.
All I know, is that I need my John.
And dad too. Not on the same level.

Dad and John are cousins. Dad's 25 years older than me, John's 12 years older than me. I'm 15 in October.
So it's wrong. I know that.
I also know how worse off I'd be without him.
The world doesn't understand us or our connection. All they see is the ages and the gap between them.
Dad doesn't. It tore him apart to find out.
I regret that.

Being caught, anyway.

Now I talk to John and Dad.

But dad's threatened John with the cops if he doesn't agree to an instant no-contact with me. How is that fair?
I know he's just worried and just wants to do what's right. But it hurts.

John was the only one who stopped my cutting in the first place. It used to be terrible... I'd walk around literally dripping blood. Not that anybody noticed. Except for John. John noticed everything.

It's all because of that man from when I was 7.
I don't remember much, but I have nightmares.

When I wake up, all I want is for dad. Dad to come and hold me, soothe me, call me sweetie and stroke my hair. Sit by me til morning.

But no, all I have is my parents, still fucking snoring at the other end of the house.

I hate them.

I hate everything.

And now they tell me, I can't speak to John again. Or see him.
Indefinately.
Until I turn 18, or at least 16.

Fuck that, I need him.
And dad. I need him too.
I need them both.

At least, I want a goodbye, one that will buoy me through the next year and a half, til I'm 16. A hug. It's all I want.

But no, dad says no hugging, not even hand holding. He's the one pushing for zero contact.

I want to please them both, because I love them both.
But I can't.

John wants to be with me forever (and I with him)
Troy wants zero contact until I'm 16 at least.

I can wait til then. I will wait til then.
But what happens in that time?

It's so tempting... I've been free for over 2 months now...
But I can't be any more. Too much has happened lately.

This is a lovely cheery intro about me, isn't it...

Sorry.

And apologies again if this is in the wrong forum or incorrectly tagged.

Greyscale · 12-06-2007, 02:27 PM

I'm sorry this is all going down for you right now, but seeing as he is so much older than you maybe it's for the best? It's only a year and a half. You'll make new friends and maybe meet someone else who you can trust to be as supportive as John is. I've never been in a situation where I was in love with someone so much older than myself, but I imagine it might not be the best situation to be in? I'm not sure. I know one of my friends was in a relationship with someone in his 20s and it was fine, but I think you should be careful about dating guys so much older than yourself if just for the reason that he IS 12 years older. I'm not really sure of your relationship with him, so I can't quite get a feel for it, so you might as well discard my advice on the relationship part. I understand how hard it is to get past sexual abuse, and I know it can really affect your life. I also suggest maybe you talking to your parents about them not paying enough attention to you? I'm sorry I'm not paragraphing here, I'm just horrible at that. I'll drop you a PM in a bit to see if you wanna talk, because I'm a good listener.
Take care of yourself. xx Laura
*edit- You're fine, this is the right place to post if you're unsure where else to put it*

Airlyeth · 12-06-2007, 02:44 PM

Hey there,

I know how you feel on a lot of levels. The age gap and rents having a problem with it. My parents found out I had a friendship with a guy 16 years older than me and they hate the fact that I'm in touch with him and stuff. But like your boyfriend has helped you he has helped me so much and it's hard when they want to stop me from seeing them. People always seem to think the worst. Maybe you could compromise with your dad, say you would like to see John as a friend until you turn 16, or 18, and then you can re-evaluate and see wether you two still want to be together.

My parents don't notice, or don't want to notice, when I'm slipping either and it's so hard but you can do this. 2 months free is amazing and you always have a choice, remember that. You can do this.
PM me/email me if you want.

Air
X

Ashika · 13-06-2007, 10:22 AM

Thanks, the quick replies here are amazing.

It's true, particularly Airlyeth's reply.

I love him so much because he's helped me through so much. Everyone automatically assumes that I'm being taken advantage of and abused or something. Nobody considers that maybe I not only love him, but start approximately half of what did go on. I'm at the age where I do understand the consequences of my actions, and I do know what I want. I'm not saying I'm adult or anything, but I'm not some innocent kid either.

It's just that I love my dad too.

I want to please them both, because I love them both and they both love me. It's just that they both want different things at the moment. I know that when I'm, say, 25, dad won't have a problem with me and John. But right now, he does and if I were him I'd have the same concerns.
John and I want to be together, but we're prepared to go through a year and a half of no contact if that's what it takes.
That's what dad wants to, except he wants zero contact til I'm 18.

I know that if nothing else, it's a test.
So maybe there's a chance I'm wrong about John. Maybe he really is some kind of pervert who's just using me. Would that sort of person stay single and then come back after 2, 3 years of no contact (which is the plan)? I don't see it somehow, he'd move on.
So I try to look at it that way, rather than seeing only the no contact, I see it as a test of our commitment to each other.

It just frustrates me, wanting to please them both but knowing that it isn't possible, now at least. So we do what dad wants.

At least we get to say goodbye for the last time face to face .... big frigging whoop.
1. Gotta be in an open area (these are dad's terms)
2. He's gotta be watching
3. NO contact

Ok, the first two I can understand.
But it's our final goodbye for over a year, and we aren't even allowed to hold hands!
Feck that, I'm gonna jump on him and it'll take a crowbar to get me off.

I'm not looking for big dramatic goodbye kisses like in the movies. But it'd be nice to be able to remember that my (temporary) parting with John ended with a hug.

And my parents still haven't noticed anything. I'm really close to going back to how I was before, because of all this pressure. I hope I can keep clean... two months isn't a walk in the park.

Anyway. It's good to talk.
There's nobody else I can talk to any more... not allowed to talk to John, and I'm too angry at dad to talk to him, even though strictly speaking I know I shouldn't be - he's just trying to do the right thing in his eyes and protect me.

craola · 14-06-2007, 01:23 PM

Hi :)
Welcome to RYL, dont worry about finding you way around, you chose the right forum and the right tags, you'll get the hang of it soon enough :)

Im sorry you're finding things so hard at the moment, but congratulations on two months, that is such an achievment, you should be so proud of yourself :)

It must be really hard wanting to please two people when what they want is completley different. As you and the others have said 12 years is a large gap, especially with you being only 15, as hard as its going to be you are doing the right thing.
I agree completley that your dads final point of no contact when you two are in his sight and saying goodbye is not fair, maybe if you tried talking to him and reminded him you are giving up seeing him for him.

I really hope things go ok for you, and that when you're old enough you two will be really happy. I hope RYL proves useful for you and that you enjoy it here. Give me a poke if you ever want to talk :)

Take care xx