Triggering (SI/Suicide) - not sure if this is the right place
this sounds really stupid most probably but, i keep remembering when my psychiatrist (different from who i have now. he was private, now i'm back with nhs) suggested to my mum i go inpatient. i did kind of want to go, but i said no so that i could keep self-harming and have the opportunity to kill myself if i wanted, and also i didn't want to be a *crazy*. i told mum i didn't want to go because it'd be more helpful for me to be at home. she didn't really want me to go either, she said they would all miss me between weekends. and camhs, who had got involved after i ODed, they were thinking it would be better - ie cheaper - to stick with the therapy i had already.
i didn't go in, and that was back in november, and things are just like they've always been.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : may trigger: SUI
i almost finished it last night, i had the cord round my neck pulling tight, hearing HIM telling to pull it tighter, and then he went and i yanked it loose and cried myself to sleep, terrified he would come back and make me go through with it.
i am empty, useless, evil and nothing, and everything seems pointless since i'll go to hell when i die just for having existed.
i know perfectly well there are no answers, let alone easy ones, so why do i keep thinking as if i wanted to have gone inpatient??
<----- these aren't for any real reason. i needed cheering up after i wrote this and probably anyone who reads it will need it too, so sorry for moaning!
I'm here for you too and so is everyone else. pretty much the same as destructo girl. Just to let you know we're here and you can pm for anything. *hugs*
who is 'he' hon, i know u probably didnt mean them as being a real person. please don't try nething like that again. perhaps u do need to go inpatient if u r feeling so down at the moment; do you feel it is something u can bring up with ur psych? it wouldnt mean ur a 'crazy'..if thatwas the case i would be one and i appear pretty sane most of the time!
whatis making u feel so bad at the moment?
feel free to pm me if u'd like to talk about anything you're very welcome to.
thanks. i still don't feel great today, all the same worries. nice to have the reassurance that i'm here enough for other people to answer :-S sometimes it gets a bit confusing when i let it run away with me
lol i didn't mean to say going IP meant you were crazy, not in an unkind way, if it came across that way! i should think before i write.
he is this voice in my head (he's kind of like an abusive boyfriend, promising the world one moment, trying to kill me the next, always for my own good, of course. and i let him, almost welcome him, because i know it's more than i deserve, and he seems more real than me or the world most of the time)
i never get to speak to my psych. ok, that's not fair, i saw him for 15 minutes a week or so ago, because J (my therapist) was worried about me, and he said i seemed fine and i should write about my feelings, not try to stop SIing, and decide how i wanted to take control of my life. (and i don't expect him to help because it is only me and i know i don't matter, but if i'm not permitted to die, it'd be nice to have help living). and if i did see him, i'd probably f*** it up anyway so it's my own fault. or people might think i was attention seeking or lazy or overreacting or something. which i probably am.
and J thinks the therapy isn't much help to me as i am, since the only reason i am content to give it a go is when i can use it as a way to tell myself i'm wrong/useless/bad/selfish and view it as a way of suppressing or punishing myself. apparently that isn't constructive.
blah blah blah i wish this would stop i want so badly to call him back to me, apologise for not doing what he said and let him do what he wants... it'd be so much easier
Last edited by tamo >bhūtā : 13-03-2008 at 05:51 PM.
Reason: spelling made no sense!
.gif "wowzers")
<----- these aren't for any real reason. i needed cheering up after i wrote this and probably anyone who reads it will need it too, so sorry for moaning!
