Triggering (SI) - Please tell me.....

[yeadatonegurl]

Ok so right now it is 6:40 am and i am sitting here with one thought in mind, please tell me this is beatable. I have often wondered bout this since i have decided to attempt to beat my demon of cutting and self harm. Even though it is two weeks tomorrow since i have cut i still have the ever elusive thoughts of slicing open my flesh just to know i can. To be able to see the blood run down my skin just to know that i have that release that is so ever ready. Sometimes i wonder if this is something that i will live with this thing even if it is the one thing that is gonna take me down a dark and desperate road. Would i be willing to live with this addicition to self infliction of pain if i knew that it would be the one thing that would cause me to take my own life even if by accident? Or the fact that i know that my family and close friends cringe and cant grasp why i do this? Sometimes i am afraid the answer is yes. For me i dont know how to deal with whatever is going on. Sometimes i just wanna scream at the top of my lungs to the world Yes i am a cutter but do you know why? Do you understand that the way that i say the words that i cant say are painted in blood and the canvas is my own skin. That sometimes i just need that disconnect. And i know i am still addicted to it even as i write these words cus in some sense they feel like i am writing about a lover and passion. Please tell me someone else on this forum has felt like this. That they too have grappled with this for so long and wondered if it was something that would just over take them. Is it possible to use words instead of my own blood to say what i need to say and be understood? Two weeks so long but i am not gonna celebrate because i did that last time and two weeks later I was cuttin myself once again. I thought i had this conquered last time but i didnt. I just learned to hide it better not to talk about it and keep it secret. And what a secret it is sometimes i feel as if i am in some sense God since i hold my own life in my hands. And hopefully that last line isnt enough to get me banned because i know what comes after the cutting for me. The guilt. I wish that were enough for me to stop this. But it isnt cus if that were the case well then i would have never gotten this far. It has been almost 9 years since i started this cycle of cutting and the whole time i have wondered if this thing is beatable? I also wonder now that i am bringing this out into the open if people will see me differently? Like will they think i am a freak? How much do i reveal to people? These are all things i wonder now. Or when do i declare victory over this? Is there even such a thing? Well i suppose that is all for now, if any one can answer please do.

[sweet_pain]

This is beatable. Every single one of us has the capacity to beat this. It's hard though, probably one of the, if not the hardest thing any of us will ever do! 2 weeks is an amazing accomplishment! You should be very proud of that, but I understand why you don't want to celebrate. Having your family and friends know must be very hard. None of my family knows about my SIing. Only 4 people know, 1 of which is my ex-social worker and one who I haven't talked to since she found out. The other 2 have been amazingly supportive, but they don't know how I SI, and I want to keep it that way. Maybe screaming that you are a cutter wouldn't be the best thing, but what about screaming into a pillow when no ones home? Or writting something over and over again until your hand hurts to much to go on. Feeling addicted to this isn't abnormal at all! If you asked, I'd bet that 99% of RYL says they are addicted to it. It's because it makes us fel better, even though not for a long time.

Before I told one of the 2 people who are so supportive, I thought how you are. That she would think of me differently, that things would change, that she would think i'm crazy. She didn't though! She has been so amazingly helpful. Of course not everyone reacts like that, but you'll never know until you try. Of course, you should make sure you really want that person to know. And have a fairly good idea of how they react to stress.

I think that you can come out of this victoriouse. It takes a heck of lot of work, and a long time but you can do it!!

PM me if you ever need to talk <3

[Cazki]

Hiya there im very sorry that your having such a difficult time right now. *Gives you a big hug* Everything will be ok, i know that what your going through isnt easy but it doesnt mean that you cant get through this. Could you talk to us about what it is thats made you feel like this? Do you have any support at all? (If you have one) have you spoken to your counseller how your feeling? Im so sorry for the pain that your going through.

You can get through this please dont give up please keep fighting through this. Things wont be like this forever, things will get better. Be gentle with yourself try not to be too hard on yourself as that will only create problems. We are all here for you and we will support you for as long as you need it. We all care about you so much. I know its incredibly difficult when your feeling really low but we are here to support you ok.

No one wants to see you get hurt anymore than what you already are, that includes me other people here, and your friends and family. I know that things are not good for you now but they wont always be like this. Have you thought about writing down your thoughts and feelings? Its important that if you do decide to write down your thoughts and feelings that you combine both the positive things and the negative things together so that you dont end up writing down just the negative things on there own. Make sure that you keep safe, none of us want to see you get hurt any more than what you already are you dont deserve it.

Please keep distracting yourself as much as you possibly can, there are lots of things that you can try here are some of them, listening to music, doing jobs to keep you busy, watching a movie, going for a walk and posting on the fun and distractions forum. Please keep talking to us, you dont have to go through this all on your own, we are here for you. Please take care its important that you look after yourself.

Take care best wishes Ian