Triggering (SI/Abuse) - I thought I was all better...

[Dream of Mirrors]

Basically, I was feeling very emotionally unstable last night and had a big argument with my boyfriend. When I got back home I couldn't stop crying and before I knew it I had picked up [removed object] and started scraping it against my arm. It's the first time that I have cut myself for 5 years and I am feeling so guilty, ashamed and upset at myself for having resorted to it once again.

When I was younger, I had built up so many feelings of sadness, anger and neglect that I started cutting as a way to relieve these feelings. My mum had died and I had spent the next few years living with my stepdad who hated me and used to beat me. I finally got free of him when I was 11 when my nan offered to give me a home. But a few years later, even though I was reasonably happy, I started abusing myself.

I had never really talked to anyone about how these feelings had been stored up inside of me. I was feeling horrible after a boy had taken advantage of me when I was drunk, and the final straw was me taking it all out on my legs, which needed stitches. My aunt and uncle saw what happened and wanted to help me. I went to counselling a couple of times but I really didn't like talking to a stranger. But I managed to work through it somehow.

Since I met my boyfriend a couple of years ago, I have relied on him and he's been there for me and listened to me when I told him about my shameful past. Even though he knows everything, it hasn't stopped him loving me and thats really helped me. But now I feel so horrible after what I did to myself last night. I don't want to feel like that person I was a few years ago.

Since I started the Progesterone only pill a year and a half ago, I sometimes have very drastic mood changes and it becomes hard to think rationally. I sometimes feel as depressed as I was when I was younger and it scares me. I was in one of those moods last night, but I don't think it's a good excuse for me doing what I did. I don't really have another contraceptive option suitable for my body but I want to cope with these moods. I've tried taking Agnus Castus but I'm not sure if it really helped.

I feel so ashamed, looking at my arm and feeling the pain.

[Pastel Epiphanies]

::hug:: I'm sorry you're feeling like this, sweetheart. Its really tough to have such a horrible past and feel like one is reverting back to it. I've felt like this a lot lately too. But don't be ashamed, so you had a setback, look at how far you have come! Don't be ashamed of having a hard go at it, I'm sure your boyfriend will understand. Have you talked to him yet? Have you talked to your GP about the moodswings and everything? maybe they can couple you up on a mood suppressor/regulator as well if this is the only contraception that works for your body? I hope all goes well, if you need to talk, please PM me.

<3-Piph.