guilty (*possible SI trigger, not sure*)

[bright.side.of.life]

my mum died from cancer 9yrs ago when i was 6yrs old. being so young i understood what was happening and i felt the grief, but not as much as i do now. this feels silly coz it was so long ago. i think of her everyday.

i recently went to counselling for the first time, as soon as she heard my mum had died when i was so young she decided that was the reason beneath my SI and depression. but im not sure thats right. since that counselling i havnt been able to think about her without feeling really guilty for what i said about my feelings about her death. i feel like i was blaming her for my faults, thats so harsh and it makes me feel really bad.

my dad re-married last yr and we never talk bout my mum. my mates have heard it from me all before and i get the feeling they are just thinking "it was so long ago, get over it and move on".

im just feeling so confused about the whole thing, which seems strange since ive had 9yrs to get used to it and "move on".

am i being pathetic or has anyone else had these kind of feelings?
anyone have any advice on how to get out of this hole please?

thankyou
XxX

[inkyspider]

You really shouldn't feel guilty about your feelings.
They are your feelings and there's not much you can do about them, the thing you can change is how yo express them.
You obviously don't blame your mom for your faults but your mother's death is going to have affected you, it's only natural you are upset by it and grief over it.
I thinkit would be good to talk to the counsellor about how that made you feel when you see them next week because it's obviously has been on your mind a lot.

With regards to stil being upset about it, you are not in anyway pathetic. I have the same thing with my brother, who died 7 years ago too. I posted a thread about it in this forum i think and from the replies i got, it shows you're not alone.

Take care,
Tabby x

The only people that think "it was so long ago, move on" are those that dont understand the depth of hurt that such a loss can bring.
But dont discredit what your counsellor has to say. she could quite well be on to something that is buried within your subconscious that you may not realise. you arent blaming her for your faults, not at all. you are blaming the pain of her loss. which, in a way, shows how much you care about her, because you hurt so much for losing her.
dont think you have to "get over it" just deal with it in your own time, at your own pace. It is, after all, your loss. Not anyone elses.