something really wrong

[pea soup]

i dont feel like me...like rachel.
there are people looking in my window.
i can hear keiths little voice.
my dog sees the people, i think.
i fear to go to the door....its after 3am, i think.
im slipping from here to then to now to there to here.
the room keeps changing..im scared
i dont want this.
i want to wake my mom.
she has to work.
im scared.
no more hospitals.
i cant.
i cant.,
it will go away.
they will go away.he will go away.
sounds as if the train will come straight through the window.
my senses seem to be heightened to a level i dont particularly like.
i dont like any of this at all.
im so uncomfortable.
feeling of doom on top of me.
panic now.
yes....im scared.

[pea soup]

ok...ive just had a visit with my son.
i was there or he was here.
whichever way...we were in his room and he was sleeping. he didnt see me. i touched his hair. saw him just as well as im seeing this computer screen.
i dont know how long i was there.
i know i sound insane.
im bordering on whether i should call crisis?
but am i really having a crisis?
it doesnt feel crisis "worth".
im not upset by this.
i sound ****ing insane.
i cant help what just happened.
be it against every law of physics...it happened.
maybe i will keep these things to myself in the future...but it was so amazing...i wanted to share.

[pea soup]

ok...scared.
im not right.
i havent called anyone yet.
my mother should be waking in the next few minutes.
i plan to have a conversation with her and see if she notices anything wrong??
i seem to be going back and forth between different places, times, days, etc.
im trying to stay rational but i blew that through the roof already.
im trying to think it through.
i think im experiencing some extreme dissociation??
my above post has NOW frightened me.
it wasnt scary when i made it but NOW it is.
could this be "the" break? mentally?
thought id already been there.
i need to sleep.
but i dont have my sleep meds. but good news..this time it ISNT my fault.
my doc ran out of samples and my insurance will not cover the med.
so....ive taken benadryl hoping to relax a bit.
yeah...i do need sleep.
this cant be going in the right direction.
i feel so freaking disconnected.

[akita]

Honey please keep yourself safe and call crisis if you really need to.

[pea soup]

*goes into hiding*
im sorry...

Love you xx

[Destinationzero]

Ummm...when I don't sleep ...or things like that for a while I tend to dissociate. How long has it been since you've actually had a night of sleep? If its been a bit then it could just be lack of sleep making your subconcious mind take over. I hope things get better.

[chocostashchick]

honey please be safe
take care of yourself
i think you should call somebody - crisis or a friend or family member
xxxooo

[TouchVanDerBoom]

I've not been around for a while, I needed a break from all this. Just dropped in and saw this and had to reply. Sounds scary and confusing for you right now. I really hope all is well *hug*

[Coffee Addict]

Alot of weird things can happen from stress...that along with not sleeping can be enough to do this too you.

I can't help with either of these things,if I could I would help myself.
But I know with lack of sleep my doctor says these things arelike dreaming when you are awake.

Maybe that will help if when this happens you try and just think of it as a dream.

[pez_barbie]

sorry i never had chance to see this till now. how are you feeling? hugs you!!

[Mandimoo]

please done be alone like this. if you only go and sit with someone, please don't be alone, you're not safe like this, you could do serious harm without realising it, maybe imagine you're just dreaming, and all sorts could happen, you may fall unconscious etc, please rach, get yourself somewhere safe. mand x

[Amaryllis]

I think you're awesome and not crazy. I don't have much really to say though.