Rant - I CAN'T FACE THIS.

Shadowedcorner · 09-03-2008, 04:28 AM

TO MY MOM: YOU STUPID F**KING IDIOT. I HATE YOU. WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO BE PERFECT? NORMAL? MAYBE I'M DEPRESSED, BUT SO WHAT? I DON'T WANT YOUR CARE I DON'T WANT YOUR CARE I DON'T WANT YOUR CARE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M TIRED OF YOU. ALWAYS WATCHING ME. EXPECTING ME TO SCREW UP. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THAT FEELS? IT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO F**K MY ARMS UP EVEN MORE. EVERY PART OF ME HAS SCARS. EVERYWHERE. AND YOU JUST STAND THERE AND STARE AS THE WORLD CRUMBLES TO ASH AROUND ME.

TO MY DAD: I HATE YOU TOO, ALWAYS EXPECTING PERFECTION FROM ME. NOTHING I DO IS EVER FREAKING GOOD ENOUGH. EVER....EVER, EVERY EVER!!!!!!! INSIDE I'M SCREAMING AND CRYING AND I WON'T BE HEARD BECAUSE I'M ON MUTE. DON'T YOU EVER CHANGE THE VOLUME ON ME. I'M JUST FINE THE WAY I FREAKING AM!!!!.

why.......why are you torturing me like this....you've never believed anything i say and now you think i want to die.......why??

Dreamer And Believer · 09-03-2008, 06:00 AM

I'm sorry you're having a tough time with your parents right now. Is there someone else (friend, teacher, etc.) you could turn to for support? don't let your parents get to you just because they don't understand you.
take care

Sleepless123 · 09-03-2008, 06:20 PM

Hey your so brave for writing and i hope it helped to get it out.im sorry you feel so misunderstood and judged by your parents.im also sorry you feel so alone.i often feel alone and misunderstood too and if you ever want to talk im here.As the above poster also said it might also be helpful to talk to someone closer to you in life outside the internet ie a friend or a teacher for some support.Is there anyone you trust enough?Please know that we are here for you.

Take care
sleepless123

Cazki · 09-03-2008, 11:51 PM

Hiya there im very sorry that your having such a difficult time right now. Your not a waste of space at all. *Gives you a big hug* Everything will be ok, i know that what your going through isnt easy but it doesnt mean that you cant get through this. Could you talk to us about what it is thats made you feel like this? Do you have any support at all? (If you have one) have you spoken to your counseller how your feeling? Im so sorry for the pain that your going through.

You can get through this please dont give up please keep fighting through this. Things wont be like this forever, things will get better. Be gentle with yourself try not to be too hard on yourself as that will only create problems. We are all here for you and we will support you for as long as you need it. We all care about you so much. I know its incredibly difficult when your feeling really low but we are here to support you ok.

No one wants to see you get hurt anymore than what you already are, that includes me other people here, and your friends and family. I know that things are not good for you now but they wont always be like this. Have you thought about writing down your thoughts and feelings? Its important that if you do decide to write down your thoughts and feelings that you combine both the positive things and the negative things together so that you dont end up writing down just the negative things on there own. Make sure that you keep safe, none of us want to see you get hurt any more than what you already are you dont deserve it.

Please keep distracting yourself as much as you possibly can, there are lots of things that you can try here are some of them, listening to music, doing jobs to keep you busy, watching a movie, going for a walk and posting on the fun and distractions forum. Please keep talking to us, you dont have to go through this all on your own, we are here for you. Please take care its important that you look after yourself.

Take care best wishes Ian

Shadowedcorner · 10-03-2008, 01:26 AM

I thank everyone who replied. I just had a really bad session with my therapist yesterday. She was trying to get me to drop my facade and talk about things I didn't want to say. Its like all of the pain, all of the memories that I hate or cause me pain are bottled up inside this tiny little jar inside of me and she's trying to twist off the lid.

My parents could never hope to understand me. I'm not ready to confront all of this. How am I supposed to tell them that I like self-harming because it makes me happy? That I wear my depression like a blanket because it's something I've been familiar with all of my life. And how the hell am I supposed to get them to listen long enough to tell them just to let me cut if I promise not to go to deep.

I mean, I want them to trust me, but I've attempted three times and they seem to think that it makes me a criminal. The lock the pills and blades, anything sharp in a cabinet.

Writing stuff down has always been an option for me, but I choose not to because for me it only solidifies my problems and makes them real to me. I feel like its all twisted up inside of me. I want to hide from the pain. I don't want to face it because it will kill me. What am I supposed to do? How...how am I supposed to deal with this when everything my parents do feels like they are encouraging me to self-harm more?